The Hellsing Files
by Keith B. Real
Summary: After suffering heavy losses, Hellsing is forced to recruit from other anime to bolster its ranks. These are their stories. I don't take requests.
1. Ranma Saotome Interview

**The Hellsing Files. **

After suffering heavy losses at the hands of their enemies, the Hellsing Organization was forced to take recruits wherever they could be found. Integra Hellsing even had to resort to conducting job interviews with characters from other anime. The interviews were recorded for posterity and dubbed "The Hellsing Files."

**Interview Tape #1 Ranma Soutome. **

Integra Hellsing sat at her desk staring flatly at the door to her office. She had spent most of her morning personally interviewing various people for membership in the Hellsing Organization. Normally she didn't interview people personally, but these were supposedly special people who were applying for command positions.

She was currently waiting for the next person to make his way up the stairs and into her office. She opened the folder lying in front of her and read the name. "Ranma Soutome." She said flatly. She had read the young man's application and had concluded that he was a bit young and inexperienced. She couldn't fathom why a Japanese teenager wanted to work for Hellsing. She didn't even try to figure out how he had heard of Hellsing to start with.

There was a knock on the door. "Enter." She said.

The door creaked open and in strode a thin young Japanese man. He had a large mop of black hair tied back into a pig tail and was wearing a red Japanese style shirt along with blue trousers. He strode confidently across the room and took a seat in the small uncomfortable chair that had been set in front if Integra's desk.

"Hi there." The young man said.

"Good afternoon Mr. Soutome. I trust your stay in England has been pleasant."

"Yeah, it's been alright. It rains too much though." Ranma said relaxing in the chair with his arms behind his head.

"Yes, I'm afraid it does." Integra sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. She was impressed at how well the boy spoke English, even it was the Yankee version. "How did you come to find out about the Hellsing Organization?"

Ranma shrugged. "I don't remember. I needed a job, something to get me away from my house, so I just started filling out application after application; I don't even remember half of the places I've applied to. I guess this place was one of them."

Integra's left eye twitched slightly. "I see. So do you know what it is we do here at Hellsing?"

Ranma shook his head. "I got no idea. Are you like an orchestra? I'm not too good at playing instruments but I think I could wave that stick around and wear a tux pretty good."

Integra removed her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. After a pause she put them back on her face and looked Ranma dead in the eye. "We hunt down and kill vampires. We are on a mission from God and Her Majesty to rid England and the world of any and all inhuman activities."

Ranma's eyes went wide. "Really?" A faint smile spread over his face. "Hunting vampires? That sounds pretty cool. I think I could do that pretty good." He dropped out of his relaxed sitting position and leaned forward in his small chair. "But uh, are you sure these vampires really exist?"

Integra blinked hard. "Yes they exist."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure."

"Have you ever seen a vampire?"

Integra touched her forehead with her hand. "Yes, I've seen them."

"Really?" Ranma said. "Can I see one?"

"Later."

"Aw, come on. Why not now? I won't tell anyone if that's what you're all worried about."

"They're sleeping at the moment. When they wake up you can meet them."

A confused look fell over Ranma's face. He rubbed his chin slightly. "I can meet them?"

"Yes. We've got two on out payroll and you can meet them later if we decide to hire you."

"But I thought you said you hunted down and killed vampires? Why are you paying them?" Ranma asked.

Integra sighed. "It's a long story. Suffice to say we have two vampires on our staff that are sworn to hunt their own kind." Ranma opened his mouth to say something else but Integra interrupted. "I'm asking the questions here Mr. Soutome. Now, what skills do you have exactly? It says here on your application that you're a martial artist. Could you elaborate?"

Ranma smiled broadly. "I study anything-goes martial arts. We take in moves from all other styles but we specialize in aerial combat."

"Aerial combat you say? What belt are you?"

"We don't bother with belts." Ranma said happily. "But I can take my father out with out too much trouble and I can give the our schools master a run for his money. Actually, come to think of it, I might be one of if not _the_ best martial artist in the world."

Integra raised her eyebrow. "Really? That's quite a boast."

Ranma stood up and dropped into a combat stance. "I can prove it if you want. The thing to remember about me is that I can do anything if it's got martial arts in it."

Integra waved dismissively at him. "Not in here. You can prove it all you like outside on the firing range."

Ranma seemed not to hear her. He leapt into the air like a grasshopper taking off from a leaf. Integra was taken aback at how high he leapt. The boy went clear up to the ceiling, touched it with his feet and used the ceiling as a spring board to launch himself back towards the ground. Before she knew it her desk had been split into two equal halves by Ranma's foot. He rolled backward off the ground and stood back up into his combat stance. "How's that?"

Integra looked down at the remains of her desk. Her expression had gone totally flat and her eyes slowly floated up to look at Ranma. "You've destroyed my desk."

"I can do the same to any vampires that go nosing around here," Ranma said confidently.

Integra took a long, deep breath. Her favorite desk was in ruins and she was considering drawing the pistol she kept holstered in her uniform and shooting the boy. _He's got skills; I'll hand him that._ She cleared her throat. "I think that will be all for now Mr. Soutome. If you would be so good as to be present at the outdoor firing range behind the mansion at about noon on the 23rd we can conduct the physical part of the interview."

Ranma looked down at the broken desk and hung his head slightly. "Okay. Uh, sorry about the desk."

"Not as half as sorry as you're going to be," Integra muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing. Thank you for coming Mr. Soutome I look forward to finishing this on the 23rd."

Ranma nodded and smiled. He spun around on his heel towards the door and boldly left Integra's office. Integra reached down and lifted up the intercom box from her ruined desk. She held in a small white button on the box and spoke into it. "Walter, get another desk up here."

Walter's voice came back though the box. "Right away My Lady."

Integra set the box back down and picked up a box of cigars. She stuck one in her mouth, lit it and took a long puff. "We're doomed."

**End Soutome Interview Tape. **


	2. Ranma Saotome Field Test

**Ranma Soutome Field Trial.**

Swallows could be heard chirping as they flew over the roof of the Hellsing mansion. Ranma Soutome, a young Japanese fellow somewhere in his teens, stood in front of a steel wall painted blue with an opening in the center that led into what he guessed was some sort of maze. He took a deep breath and flicked a piece of lint off his red shirt. Off to his left was a tall, British woman wearing a blue military skirt with thigh high black leggings. She would have been cute had it not been for the sun hat and shaded goggles she was wearing.

"You'll forgive Ms. Victoria's fashion sense. She's put off by the sunlight," said a familiar voice from behind. The young man turned to see Director Hellsing striding across the grass with her monocled butler in tow. It was a sunny morning and the glint off Integra Hellsing's glasses hid her eyes.

Ranma Soutome turned to look at the strange young woman who had been quiet since she had arrived. She gave him a meek smile and a polite wave. Ranma smiled back. "So what am I supposed to be doing here?" he asked Integra.

Integra pointed at the door in the wall. "That there is out shooting range. We find that we mainly work in urban environments and thus we've decided that you should run this obstacle course as part of your field examination," she said. "Inside you'll find targets for you to destroy. Some of the targets represent civilians. You are to avoid destroying them. You'll be graded on time and effectiveness."

Ranma looked at the door and nodded. "Cool. Where's my gun?"

"Gun?" Integra said raising an eyebrow. "Have you been trained to use an MP5?"

Ranma shook his head. "No. I'm a martial artist. I've seen some of your other guys, they all have guns. They _are_ fighting vampires and all."

Integra tried not to let her confusion show on her face. "But I thought…in my office you…do you need a gun?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Aww, come on! I should get a gun. That was one of the perk I thought I get for joining the army."

Integra looked at Walter for an explanation. The butler shrugged and looked to Seras Victoria, who also looked confused. "You don't need a gun. Your martial arts skills are more than enough."

Ranma crossed his arms and pouted. "Well there's some fine print for ya. I thought I'd at least get a gun."

"No," Integra said.

"What the hell?" Ranma shouted. "This is some bullshit right here! I wanted to shoot people! And now here you are telling me to use martial arts? C'mon!"

Integra removed her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Oh alright fine," she muttered. "Seras, get him a weapon."

Seras nodded. "Yes Sir." She turned and walked around the wall out of sight and returned with a fully loaded MP5. She walked over to Ranma and handed him the rifle. "This is the safety. Flick this switch this way for full auto and this way for burst fire," she whispered.

Ranma smiled at her and took the gun. The weight of it in his hands felt good. "Alright, so when do I start?"

"Now," Integra said. Ranma looked at her for a second before he charged into the maze, his gun pointed out in front of him.

To his relief, the maze wasn't as a maze-like as he had expected it to be. It had its twists and turns but it was laid out like a building would be. Doors and rooms with targets for him to shoot inside. He raced from room to room, checking to see if what he was shooting at looked like a cardboard vampire or a cardboard innocent. When he fired, the kick from the gun brought the muzzle up and he put just as many bullets into the sky as he did his targets.

"I'm screwing up!" he said to himself as he ran. "What am I going to do? If I don't get this job it'll be back to Japan with my old man, the ghoul and God knows who else." Maybe the gun hadn't been such a good idea, he thought. Or had it? "If it's got martial arts in it, I can do anything," he said to himself.

He kicked down a door revealing a cardboard cutout of a vampire holding a cardboard cutout of a little girl hostage. He switched the gun to burst fire and performed the Chestnut Fist attack holding the rifle in one hand and pulling the trigger as he punched. The bullets disintegrated the vampire cardboard, leaving only the girl behind.

Once he had found a way to combine martial arts with shooting, the rest of the trial was easy. He emerged on the other side and saw a large scaffolding in front of him. At the top, looking down on him, was Integra, Seras and Walter. Walter was looking slightly impressed and Seras seemed to be sweating and squinting in the sunlight. Integra on the other hand was shaking her head slowly.

Ranma's heart sank with each clank of her footsteps on the scaffold stairs. She didn't look like someone who was about to hire an new employee. Integra strode across the wet grass towards a sullen Ranma and stopped in front of him. "You were botching it for a bit there but near the end you picked up quite a bit. You say you've never had rifle training before? How did you manage that then?"

Ranma smiled, his confidence returning. "Well, if something has martial arts in it, I can do it."

"Is that a fact?" Integra said. "Well, you're a bit unorthodox but few people on my staff these days are. You're hired."

"Yeah!" Ranma shouted.

The sound of water rushing through hoses filled their ears. "Drat! The sprinklers." Integra said. She had forgotten that they kicked on at this time of day. She shrugged. Getting a little wet was nothing more than an slight discomfort. The look of horror on Soutome's face had her puzzled though. As the water hit them he eyebrow shot up and her mouth opened slightly. Standing before her, where a young man had been, was now a young red-headed girl.

The girl grinned sheepishly. "It's a long story."

Integra pushed up her glasses. "Tell it to me later."

**End Soutome Filed Trial. **


	3. Elric Brothers Interview

**The Hellsing Files: Elric Interview.**

Integra Hellsing sat at her new oaken desk across from two odd figures. One was a short, amber eyed blond young man wearing a red coat. Next to him, seated uncomfortable in the largest chair her butler Walter could scrounge up, was a massive man clad head to toe in medival armor. The one in the armor was fidgeting while the smaller one seemed to taking the interview very seriously.

"So, Edward and Alphonse Elric. Why do want to work here at the Hellsing Agency?" she asked as she tapped her cigar case and thinking about lighting one up.

"We think we'd make good vampire hunters," Ed said without hesitation.

Integra rolled her eyes. "Do you really?" she removed a cigar from the case and stuck in her mouth. "Do you know what a vampire is capable of? What have you got that makes you so confident?"

"Glad you asked." Ed said clapping his hands together and laying them on Integra's desk. The desk began to glow along with Ed's hands.

"W-wait, not the desk," Integra protested a second too late. The wood of the desk warped and began to change shape and color. Integra closed her eyes to keep from being blinded. When she opened them her desk had become a large, wooden trunk. The items on the desk were nowhere to be seen. Integra was about to shout Ed out of her office when he leaned forward and opened the trunk, revealing Integra's computer and paperwork inside.

"Ta da!" Ed said grinning triumphantly. "That's not the half of it. Al here can do the same thing. Plus we both know martial arts. I can show you if…"

"No! No, no martial arts demonstrations. I believe you," Integra said covering her trunk/desk with her arms. "So you want to hunt vampires because you think you would be good at it? What did you used to do again?"

Ed straightened up. "I used to be a state alchemist. A dog of the military you might say."

"I, uh, I was his assistant," Al added hesitantly.

"You were in the army?" Integra said skeptically.

"Yeah. I joined to get access to their library so I could uh…do some stuff."

"Do some stuff? What stuff?" Integra asked lighting her cigar.

Ed looked at Al. "I know you mission is to eradicate all non-human life on the Earth but uh, what's your policy on souls bound to…let's say suits of armor?"

Integra looked Al up and down. She stood up and casually walked around the trunk to where Al sat and gave his chair a swift kick. Al fell backwards and landed with a loud clang. His head detached from his body and went rolling across the room. Ed sat motionless in a shocked silence. Integra looked down at the empty suit of armor as it scrambled to retrieve its head.

Integra took a drag off her cigar. "What's one more freak on my payroll?"

Ed's brow darkened. "My brother is not a freak," he said.

"Sure," Integra said. "So you joined the military to fix this little problem of your brother's?"

"Yes. We did something terrible when we were younger and we paid a terrible price. Now we're trying to get back what we lost," Ed said; his voice thick with emotion.

"I thought the army had height requirements," Integra said.

"Want me to turn your carpet into cow manure?"

Integra blew a plume of smoke into the air. "We'll continue on to the field test. You two seem like you might do well here."

Al finished putting his head back on his shoulders. "Hear that brother? We might have a real job!"

Ed nodded. "I was an inch above the minimum height requirement for your information," he muttered.

"What was that?" Integra asked.

"Nothing."

**End Elric Interview Tape. **


	4. Elric Brothers Field Test

**Elric Brother's Field Exam.**

Integra stood atop the scaffolding that overlooked the Hellsing Agency's outdoor urban firing range. Standing next to her was Seras Victoria, a tall, leggy blond girl. Bellow her were the two Elric brothers; the short, blond Ed, and the tall, metal Alphonse. Next to them was Walter, the Hellsing family butler. "They insisted on running the trial together," Walter called up to Integra and gestured toward the two brothers.

Integra rolled her eyes and frowned. "Fine," she said. She looked down on the two brothers. "We mostly find vampires in indoor urban settings. Your performance inside the course will determine whether or not we hire you. The objective is to run through and eliminate your targets while keeping collateral damage at a minimum. Are there any questions?"

"Brother," Al said nudging Ed. "Ask if we can have guns."

Ed looked at his brother. "Guns? We've got alchemy, we don't need guns."

Al's shoulders slumped and he sighed. "I was looking forward to the guns…"

"Any time you're ready," Integra shouted irritably.

"Let's go Al!" Ed shouted as he charged into the maze. Al followed Ed from room to room, they quickly began dispatching cardboard vampires using a combination of martial arts and alchemy.

Seras stood on her tip toes to get a better look at the action taking place bellow. "Wow," she said watching the two brothers work in unison. "What's that magic they're doing?"

"I think they call it alchemy," Integra said looking unimpressed. "I'm hoping they can transmute spent ammo shells into money. Our budget is tighter than…"

"This is wonderful!" Seras said interrupting her. "This means I won't be the only freak aside from my master! I'll have someone to talk to!"

Integra looked at Seras and snorted. "I wouldn't be too pleased about Hellsing becoming fully staffed with powerful non-vampires. Our mission is to exterminate your kind remember," Integra said quietly.

Seras gulped and slumped her shoulders. "Oh."

Walter coughed from behind them. Neither of the two women had noticed him climb up the scaffold stairs. "Speaking of your master, Miss Victoria," Walter said pointing down at the maze. The Erics were making their way down a hall, clearing rooms of targets as they went and leaving the non-combatant targets unharmed. In the room at the end of the hall stood a tall man in a red inquisitors coat complete with hat.

Integra stepped forward, her interest peaked. "This should be good," she said hoping that Alucard wouldn't kill the two applicants.

Al kicked down the door to the room Alucard occupied and stood aside as his brother moved into place and clapped his hands together. Briefly it registered to Ed that it wasn't a cardboard cutout or a dummy he was facing. He was aware that it was pointing a gun at him and firing. Ed willed the floor to transmute into a wall, intercepting the bullets. "Al, watch out!" he shouted backing out of the room.

"What is it brother?" Al asked as he crouched in the hall. Ed was about to reply when the looming figure of the man in red materialized behind Al.

"Armor? And I thought I was behind the times," Alucard said smoothly and he dealt a swift kick to Al's backside sending him flying into Ed. The two brothers scrambled t their feet, Ed with a few new bruises.

"Who are you?" Ed shouted, transmuting part of the wall into a halberd and his metal arm into a blade.

Alucard smiled, showing his fangs. "I work here," he said. Raising his gun he fired three shots. All three punctured Al's chest, daylight streamed through the holes. Alucard's smile broadened. "Oh ho? What's this? A hollow man."

"You leave him alone!" Ed shouted, throwing his halberd at Alucard. The weapon punctured Alucard's chest, splattering blood over the walls.

Alucard pulled the halberd out of his chest and threw it to the floor. "A hollow man and a half pint," Alucard snorted. "Although I must say you do have a good sense of fashion."

"Half pint?" Ed said calmly, crossing his arms. "You think I'm short?"

Above them, Integra scratched her chin. "Seems he's sensitive about his height."

Seras nodded. "What's my master doing?"

"Testing them," Walter said. "He does this with recruits every so often."

"Don't _think_ you're short, no," Alucard said. "I can see you well enough to know. I also know that you can't defeat me. Only a man can defeat a monster, not a hollow man and certainly not _half_ a man."

Ed clapped his hands together and slapped them to the ground. The walls on either side of Alucard began to glow. In a flash, they closed together on him, squashing him flatter than a flapjack.

Seras gasped and Integra raised an eyebrow. Walter coughed. Laughing filled their ears, deep rolling laughter, slightly maniacal. Black ooze seeped out from between the wall sandwich that Ed had created. Ed and Al watched in horror as it flowed into a pool and formed up into a black pillar which slowly took shape. "Marvelous," the newly formed Alucard said. "You'll do."

Ed blinked and he was gone. He looked to Al, who shrugged. "That's enough," Integra shouted at them from above. "You two have earned the official Hellsing stamp of approval."

"So they're in?" Seras asked smiling at the two newest Hellsing members.

"Yes," Integra said smiling. "About a dozen more non-vampire freaks and you can start paying rent."

**End Elric Field Test. **


	5. Solid Snake Interview

**The Hellsing Files: Solid Snake Interview.**

"Mind if I smoke?" the rough looking man with a stubble beard, a mullet and a headband said as he sat in a chair across from Integra Hellsing.

"Go right ahead," Integra said thinking she could use a smoke herself.

"Thanks," the man said lighting up a cigarette. "So, any questions?"

Integra coughed and looked down at the man's application. "Yes, actually, I've got a few. For starters…your name?"

"Solid Snake. You can call me Snake."

"Solid Snake eh? What kind of name is that? Dutch?"

Snake tapped his cigarette ashes onto Integra's desk. She frowned. "It's a code name from back in my Fox-Hound days," Snake said confidently.

"Ah yes, Fox-Hound," Integra said looking at the growing pile of ashes on her desk. "Just what is that organization all about anyway? I've never heard of it."

Snake coughed. "It's an American outfit I retired from. Next generation special forces or something," Snake said looking around.

"And what exactly did you do in Fox-Hound?" Integra asked.

"I was an infiltration specialist. I snuck into places and rescued hostages…sometimes I blew up giant, nuclear equipped, bipedal, battle tanks," Snake said quickly.

"You blew up what now?" Integra asked.

"Oh, uh, nothing. I rescued hostages."

Integra sat back in her chair and locked her fingers. "Right. You didn't leave any contact numbers. Is there someone I can call in Fox-Hound for a reference?"

"No."

"No? Did you not leave on good terms?"

Snake looked around the room and put his cigarette butt out on Integra's desk. Lighting up another one he said, "Not exactly. I retired for personal reasons and then the rest of the group revolted, stole a top secret nuclear weapon and held the United States hostage for millions of dollars and the mortal remains of father."

Integra pushed up her glasses and rubbed he forehead. "I see. Even so, we may want to call some of Fox-Hounds members to see if…"

"They're all dead. I either killed them, or they died from a disease called Fox-Die, which I happened to be the unwitting vector for," Snake said quickly and calmly, puffing on his cigarette.

Integra couldn't take it anymore. She plucked a cigar out of her case and lit it. "Enough about your prior work history; you said you were an infiltration specialist?"

"Yes.'

"So you're sneaky?"

"Yes. I've even got a sneaking suit."

"Right, of course you do," Integra said. "How good are you?"

"I've got a question for you first," Snake said.

"What?"

"What exactly is that over there?" Snake asked pointing to a spot behind Integra.

"What's what?" Integra said turning. "I don't see anything…" she said turning back around. Snake was gone from his chair. In the corner, near the door was a cardboard box. "Where did you go?" She asked, standing up. She looked beneath the desk, behind the curtains, and even opened the door to check the hallway. When she turned around, the box was gone and there stood Solid Snake.

"Boo," he said in his calm, rough voice, making Integra jump.

Integra regained her composure and looked the man up and down. "Impressive. I'm not sure how you did that, but it's a skill that will come in handy."

"Glad to hear it," Snake said. "Just what will I be doing her anyway? The add in the paper said something about vampires, but I figured it was a cover."

Integra shook her head and went back to her seat. Snake followed. "No, I'm afraid the add was correct. Our mission is to hunt down and destroy the vampires that plague England. Are you comfortable with that?"

Snake seemed to think a moment. "I suppose I can handle vampires. I've had some experience with them before."

Integra raised an eyebrow. "You have?"

"Vampires, psychics, Indians, cyborg ninjas, all sorts of freaks." Snake tapped more ashes onto Integra's desk. "The only thing I want nothing to do with, is giant robots. No more giant robots, I'm sick of fighting them."

Integra sighed. "Don't worry. We stick to vampires, Nazis, and sometimes, Catholics."

Snake nodded. "Sounds good to me." He put his cigarette out on Integra's desk and flicked the butt at a garbage can, missing it. Integra looked down at the ashes on her desk and her eye twitched. "You should get an ashtray," Snake said lighting up another cigarette.

Downstairs, Walter heard Integra's scream of rage, followed by loud crashing sounds. It took him a good ten minutes to pull Integra off Snake, and another half an hour to clean him up. "Sir Integra says your field exam will be held on the 19th. She also offers her apologies about your eye."

Snake rubbed the bandage over his eye and shuddered at how close had come to ending up like Big Boss and Solidus. "Is she always like that?" he asked.

"She's been a bit touchy about her desk lately," Walter said.


	6. Solid Snake Field Test

**The Hellsing Files: Solid Snake Field Test**

"Alright, it works like this," Integra said to Snake as they stood in front of the entrance to a maze built from concrete. Next to it was a large scaffolding where Integra would soon stand to observe the action bellow. "Normally we have the candidate traverse the firing range, but you said you were an infiltration specialist so things will be a bit different for you."

Snake nodded once. He was dressed in a grey sneaking suit that clung tight to his body, his red bandanna flapped in the wind. "Different. I like it."

"Good. Your goal will be to enter the maze and destroy the targets. You must take out the heart or the head for it to count. Inside the maze, will be Hellsing operatives. Your mission concerning them is to not let them see you."

Snake nodded. "Sounds easy."

"Does it? Did I mention you would be unarmed?"

Snake shrugged. "Same shit, different day. When do I start?"

"Now. Get going." Integra made her way up the scaffold as Snake ran past her into the maze. "Shouldn't you be down there?" She said to Walter who was also on the scaffold.

"I've got someone filling in," Walter said with a bemused look. Down bellow, Snake was making good time destroying cardboard vampires and sneaking past Hellsing soldiers. With his back flat against a wall, he peered around a corner to spy Seras Victoria patrolling up and down a corridor. Her freakishly huge gun slung over her shoulder. Snake looked on the ground and picked up a piece of concrete that had torn loose during a prior exercise. He took aim and threw the chunk down the corridor, striking Seras in the back of the head. As she was holding her bruised skull and cursing, Snake climbed into a cardboard box.

"Where the hell did he go?" Integra asked standing on the tips of her toes. Walter gave her an odd look but said nothing.

Seras turned around to see what had struck her. Angrily, she rushed down the hall and stopped twenty yards in front of the box. "Think your clever eh?" she said raising her cannon and firing. The box disappeared along with that section of the maze.

"I guess that's a failure," Walter said calmly.

"Why did she shoot that harmless looking box?" Integra asked. "Did she get him?"

Seras was feeling smug when she felt a prick on the back of her neck. She turned around to see what was behind her, her hand brushing over a feathered dart. "What the…" she said as she swayed and fell down unconscious, the last thing she saw was Snake standing there holding a gun, smiling.

"Where did he get that gun?" Integra said to Walter who was scratching his head.

"Wasn't he in the box?" Walter mumbled to himself.

Snake continued on his way through the maze, easily avoiding guards and taking out targets. He stopped in front of the final room. It seemed as though he sensed something he didn't like. There was a door on this room, so Snake laid down on his stomach and looked through the crack at the bottom of the door. Inside he spied a man wearing a large red coat complete with wide brim hat, sunglasses and a suit. He rose to a crouch and held his finger up to his ear.

"What the hell is he doing?" Integra said.

"He appears to be speaking to someone," Walter said.

"To who? There's no one there but himself and he has no radio."

"Perhaps he's talking to himself in order to figure out what to do about Alucard." Walter said adjusting his monocle.

"Bloody daft," Integra muttered.

Snake stood up and returned to Seras unconscious form. Integra's eyebrow shot up when he began stripping her down to her skivvies. "What the hell is he doing?"

"Want me to stop him?" Walter asked.

"No, let him continue," Integra said smirking.

All became clear when Snake disrobed himself and put on Seras' clothes. It was a tight fit but he squeezed in well enough. It was all Integra could do to not laugh when he pulled out a pair of scissors and began to shave Seras bald. Tucking the shaved hair into his headband, the disguise was complete. He picked up her gun and went running back to the room Alucard waited in.

Snake/Seras opened the door and strode in. "Master," he/she said in a high pitched, slightly cracked voice. "Have you seen the intruder?"

"No. He hasn't made it this far yet it would seem," Alucard said.

"I heard he was really tough. He took out most of the targets already," Snake/Seras said in his/her high, gravely voice. He/she scratched her beard stubble and adjusted his/her stockings around his/her hairy legs.

"I'll deal with him when he arrives. I saw him earlier, he doesn't impress me. They'll let anyone into Hellsing these days."

"Uh, say, I think something's wrong with my gun. Would you check it for me?" Snake/Seras said walking over to Alucard. "I think there's something stuck down the barrel." He/she pointed the barrel at Alucard's face so he could look down it.

Alucard removed his sunglasses and peered down the barrel. "I don't see anythi…" The cannon went off with a loud bang. When the smoke cleared, Alucard's headless body collapsed on the floor. Snake/Seras turned up towards Integra and gave her a large thumbs-up.

Integra coughed. "Hire him, just in case someone else does and we end up having to deal with him."

"Yes, My Lady."

"Oh, and have a wig made for Seras. I expect she'll be wanting one."

**End Solid Snake Field Test.**


	7. Naruto Interview

**The Hellsing Files: Naruto Interview.**

Integra's face was buried in her hands. Through her fingers she could see the orange of the boys outfit and it made her groan. "You're a what?" She asked for the second time.

"I told you," the boy in the orange suite with spiky blond hair said. "I'm a ninja."

"Alright, so you're a ninja," Integra said, lowering her hands to look at him. "And you want to become a…what was it?"

"The Hokage," he said winking and giving her a thumbs up.

"Right. And joining Hellsing to exterminate vampires will help you do that how?"

"Well the perverted hermit said that…"

"No, never mind," Integra said cutting him off. "Your reasons don't matter I suppose. So long as you are committed to our mission of defending England and the Crown from the Midian menace you can join." She plucked a cigar from a box on her desk, stuck it in her mouth and lit it. "You are committed to our mission aren't you?"

"Believe it," the boy said.

"Why do you keep saying that?" Integra asked, blowing smoke up over his head.

"Saying what?"

"Believe it."

"What are you talking about?" the boy said, giving her a suspicious, slightly perplexed look.

"You've uttered the words 'believe it' fifty seven times since we started this interview. Believe what? Sometimes there's nothing to believe in and you say it. What's wrong with you?"

The boy seemed to think a minute. "Oh, you must only watch the dub."

"The du…what in blazes are you yammering on about? Are you daft boy?" Integra said almost dropping her cigar.

The boy held his hands up and shook his head. "It's alright, I, uh, I don't have any parents."

"Good. No one will be asking questions then if something eats you." Integra picked up a folder on her desk and opened it. "Alright…Naruto. We've already got someone who's a stealth expert so you're going to have to have something aside from being a ninja to set you apart around here. What else do you do?"

Naruto grinned and put his hands together in an odd manner. "Kagebugen no jutsu," he shouted, or something like that. A loud poof accompanied by a large billowing of smoke filled the room and Integra squinted her eyes. When she opened them, there were over two dozen Narutos standing about the room. "Not bad huh?" one of them said.

"Impressive," Integra said, drawing her sidearm and putting a bullet into the stomach of one of the Narutos. It disappeared in a puff of smoke. "I see. Merely illusions."

"Think again," one of the Narutos said. The one that spoke held out his palm while another began moving his hands rapidly over the palm of the other. A white light began to form over the palm and Integra felt the hair on the back of her neck go straight.

"What are you doing?" she asked leaning protectively over the surface of her desk.

"Rasengan!" the Naruto with the energy orb in his hand shouted as he lunged for the desk, aiming to strike it with the energy ball.

"No!" Integra screamed as she began firing at the Naruto as it flew towards her desk. The ball of energy left the Naruto's hand as he disappeared and crashed into Integra's desk, turning it into a cloud of splinters and sending her flying across the room.

Integra shook her head and waited for her vision to un-blur. In the corner of the room, a group of Narutos stood around what she presumed was the real Naruto. He was holding his shin and grimacing from a bullet wound. "You shot me!" he said. "Believe it!"

Integra looked at the remains of her desk, then to Naruto, then to her gun which still contained bullets. Again, she looked to the desk, then to Naruto, then at the gun. Finally, just Naruto and the gun. She licked her lips and thought of how badly Hellsing needed recruits and that she couldn't afford to go shooting people with combat skills. "Okay, your field test will be in three weeks. Pass it and you're in."

Naruto's eyes lit up. "Really?"

Integra slowly rose to her feet and dusted herself off. "Believe it."

**End Naruto Inteview.**


	8. Naruto Field Test

**The Hellsing Files: Naruto Field Test.**

It had taken Naruto a week or two to get used to firing a gun. His wound had healed in record time, leaving him with a few weeks to learn a few things before taking his field test.

"No, no, no," Seras said as Naruto fired several shots at the paper target, missing both the head and the heart. "Remember, the kick will make the muzzle jump upward. You'll have to compensate when using auto-fire."

"This really isn't my way of the ninja," Naruto said looking at the gun. "Couldn't I just throw a knife?"

Seras thought a moment. She had been given orders to train Naruto in anyway she saw fit before his field test. "I'm sure he'll be safe with someone as capable as you," Sir Integra had said. "Teach him to use firearms and explosives. Also, be sure that he's adept at dodging bullets and shrapnel. Give him pop quizzes on the subject if you take my meaning." Seras had smiled and given her a wink.

"Knife throwing eh?" Seras said. "I don't see how effective throwing…" her eyes glazed over as she spoke. Naruto looked at her puzzled.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

Seras seemed to be in another world. "Must report to Sir Integra…must report…so many knives…cut Master's head off…barrier… can't escape…"

Naruto reached up and gave her a slight tap on the side of the head. Seras shook her head and blinked. "What? Oh, uh, yes, knives. Uh, try it and see."

Naruto put down the gun and threw a slew of kunai at the paper targets. They tore through the head and heart regions easily. "Heh, believe it." Naruto said with satisfaction.

"Believe what?"

"Believe it."

"Believe what?" Seras asked, thinking she might have missed something.

"You know…it."

"Right, right. Let's move on then shall we?" Seras thought the boy was a bit odd, but she liked his enthusiasm.

Things progressed like that until the day of Naruto's field exam. Naruto reported in near the concrete maze/obstacle course. Before him stood Walter, Integra, Seras and a tall, pale looking man wearing a red coat and a big red brim hat. Naruto had never seen the man in red before and was getting an ominous feeling from him.

"Naruto Uza…Uzamu…whatever the hell you name is," Integra began, "Today is the day. Inside that maze are rooms with three dimensional targets. Your objective is to go through and eliminate all of them in as short a time as possible. You'll be given an MP-5 with three…"

"Nope," Naruto said.

"What?" Integra glared at him.

"Seras said I could use kunai and kunai is what I'll use. Believe it."

"What in blazes is a kunai?" Integra asked.

Naruto pulled out a funny looking knife. "This is a kunai."

"I believe it," Integra said eyeing the boy suspiciously. "Alright, fine. Show us what you can do."

Integra, Seras and Walter made their way up the stairs of the scaffold that overlooked the testing ground. Naruto plunged through the door taking a glance back to see the man in red melt into a shadow on the ground. He didn't like that, not one bit.

Naruto made his way trough the rooms throwing his kunai and shurikens deep into the heads and hearts of the vampire targets. He did no better or worse than any of the other applicants. Atop the scaffold, Seras noticed an odd look on Sir Integra's face. She seemed…amused. "Something funny sir?" she asked.

"No, nothing. I'm just anticipating the final question on this little exam." The smile on her face broadened.

Seras looked down on the testing field at the room in the center where Alucard usually stood if he was going to take part in the testing. She didn't see him. Why would Alucard have been present earlier if he wasn't going to show up at the end of the test.

The moment of truth arrived. Naruto stood at the door to the final room. That ominous feeling overtook him, so he created a shadow clone to open the door in his place. It stepped through the door and had its head blown off almost immediately. Naruto ducked to the side of the door as more bullets came flying at him. Grinning, Naruto created a dozen or so more clones. Together they all charged into the room.

Standing in the room was a man in red, although much shorter than the one he had seen outside. This man wore no hat and had long blond hair he tied back into a braid. "Who are you?" One of the Narutos asked.

"Edward Elric. Welcome to Hellsing," the young man said as he held the gun sideways and fired a burst at the group of Narutos. Three didn't manage to dodge and disappeared, while the rest hit the ground. Suddenly, what he taken to be some kind of statue in the corner began to move. The suit of armor grabbed two of the clones and knocked their heads together sharply, causing them to poof out of existence.

Realizing he was in deep shit, Naruto created a dozen more clones. An annoyed look passed over Ed's features at the amount of clones. "Damn, how are we going to take them all?"

"Leave everything to me," a cardboard box said, as it sat inconspicuously in the corner. Three grenades came flying out of it, landing near a clump of Narutos. They exploded, taking nearly all of Narutos clones out with them.

"Thanks Snake," Ed said from behind the blast shield he had transmuted for himself.

"Yeah…way to go Snake," said Al's head as it lay separate from his various body parts that had been scattered about the room by the blast.

Looks like victory is ours," Ed said walking over to Narutos corpse. He poked it with the barrel of his gun only to have it poof into a cloud of smoke, leaving a log behind. "What the…"

From seemingly nowhere, Naruto dealt a swift kick to the back of Ed's head, knocking him out. "Ha! Believe it, shorty," he said landing on his feet. Ed twitched and mumbled something as he faded out of consciousness.

"What kind of ninja wears fluorescent orange?" Snake said from across the room, now free of his box.

"This kind of ninja," Naruto said. "Believe it."

"Believe this," Snake said producing a stinger missile launcher from somewhere in his person. He took aim and fired. The missile made a b-line for Naruto so fast he almost didn't dodge it. It shot out into the hall, blowing away a good chunk of the wall.

Naruto dusted himself off and cast a look up at Integra who was frowning. With a devilish grin, he put his hands together to form a seal. With a loud poof and some smoke, where Naruto once stood was a perfect duplicate of Integra Hellsing, minus the clothes. Those up on the scaffolding thought they heard a snapping sound, while down bellow Solid Snake was flabbergasted. Part of him knew it was really Naruto, but the other part didn't care. He dropped his missile launcher and walked toward the naked Integra, hands outstretched. A swift punch to the neck from Integra/Naruto knocked him out cold.

"Release control art restriction system to level…" Integra's mumbling was cut off by Walter's hand over her mouth.

"Forgive me My Lady, but we simply can't have that. He's not worth it."

Integra slapped Walter's hand away. "Yes he is! Look what he's done!"

"I see," Walter said casting an appreciative glance at the false Integra, "But we can't go killing applicants. Think of his power being turned on the enemies of England."

"I want to kill him," Integra said.

"We can't…"

"Yes we can. I'm the head of the Hellsing organization, I'm the boss and I want to kill him!"

"No," Walter said flatly. "Let Mr. Soutome have his shot. I'll see that Mr. Uzumaki troubles you no more."

"Fine," Integra said.

Ranma Soutome had been battling Naruto for a few minutes when their attention returned to the training ground. Both were bloody and bruised, neither had enough chi or chakra (same shit, really) to do much of anything. "You can't win," Ranma said. "If it's got martial arts in it, I can do anything."

"Really?" Naruto said, panting. "So if martial arts are involved, you'll win?"

Ranma smiled. "Believe it."

Naruto was getting tired of his English catch phrase being made fun of. He looked over to where Ed's body was heaped on the ground and staggered over to it. "What are you doing?" Ranma asked as Naruto picked up Ed's MP-5 assault rifle. "Hey, this is a martial arts battle, no guns! I didn't bring mine because I thought we'd have a martial arts fight…hey man, come on!"

Naruto popped a fresh clip in and switched to three round burst. "Alright, so I say believe it a lot. And sure, maybe bright orange isn't a great color for sneaking around," he began to say loudly so all could hear. "But you know something," he said looking up at Integra, "I WILL become the Hokage! BELIEVE IT!" he turned to a frightened Ranma and put three shots into his legs. Ranma crumpled to the ground holding his bloody shins.

"My legs! You shot me in the legs! You dick!" Ranma shouted.

Naruto dropped the gun and went to leave through the door that led out of the maze. It opened before he could get to it. In it, stood the man he had seen earlier. "I see you've passed with flying colors, although I'm afraid my Master doesn't care for you."

Naruto bit his thumb, making it bleed. "Look, don't make me summon a gigantic frog, I'll do it."

Alucard smiled, his fangs looking prominent. "Oh, I believe it," Alucard said. Naruto snarled, but Alucard held his hand up, "Calm yourself. I think you'll get on alright around here. Just avoid my Master, she want to shoot you."

"Again? But she already shot me once! And that was just an interview."

"Come on, I'll teach you how to take a bullet. I do it all the time. It's fun," Alucard said, standing aside to let Naruto through the door, both oblivious to Integra's howls of rage.

**End Naruto Field Exam.**


	9. Vash the Stampede Interview

**The Hellsing Files: Vash the Stampede Interview.**

For a moment, she though Alucard had ditched his hat and dyed his hair blond. When the tall, red trench coat wearing stranger sat down in the chair before her desk and introduced himself as Vash the Stampede, she breathed a sigh of relief. She should have known, having looked at his file an hour earlier.

"So, Mr. Stampede…"

"You can call me Vash," Vash said, smiling at her as he removed his yellow sunglasses to reveal his deep green eyes.

"Alright, Vash, why do you want to join Hellsing? You're aware of our purpose I assume?"

"Something about vampires, right?" Vash said, folding his sunglasses and putting them in his pocket.

"Right. Our mission is to exterminate all non-human life on the planet. Or at least the ones that threaten Great Britain and the Crown."

"Does that include plants?" Vash said, raising an eyebrow.

"Plants? Well, no I suppose not. Unless they're evil vampire plants or something but we haven't seen any…" Integra shook her head. "Vampires. It pretty much means we hunt down and kill vampires."

"I see," Vash rubbed his chin. "Your info packet said you had vampires on your staff, what will you do with them after you kill off all the worlds vampires?"

Integra opened her mouth to respond but closed it upon looking about the room, eyeing the dark corners suspiciously. "Eh, they're fine. We'll let them live," she said quickly. "Anyway, it says on your application that you're an expert gunman. That's good, we've somewhat of a lack of people capable of using firearms. I am curious to see how much of an expert gunman you are though."

"I'll show you," Vash said. Integra saw his hand blur towards his hip, and watched in disbelieve and horror as Vash's gun barrel nicked the edge of her desk as he drew it up. Wood chips flew everywhere, some landed in Integra's tea. "Oh…oops," Vash said putting the gun back. "Pretty fast though eh?"

She picked the wood splinter out of her tea and took a sip. The liquid warmed her throat as it went down, taking her anger with it. "Don't do that again. Safe that for your field exam."

"Uh, sorry. So do you have any other questions?"

"You never really answered my first. Why do you want to join Hellsing?" Integra asked.

"I'm looking for that elusive mayfly known as peace," Vash said dreamily.

Integra frowned. "Peace is the last thing you'll find here. Life as a Hellsing operative is short and violent."

"Well, right now my life is shaping up to be long and violent. Not that I want to die or anything, but I think I might be able to find what I'm looking for in this place," Vash said leaning towards Integra.

"I'm not sure I follow your logic," Integra said. "If you're looking for peace then Hellsing is…"

"What are you doing later?" Vash asked suddenly.

"What? I've got work to do and then I'll go to sleep."

"What are you doing after that?" Vash asked, his voice getting slightly deeper.

"Well, I've got another one of these interviews in the morning, after that I need to go over the budget with some prat from the government, then I might have lunch, depending on how that goes…"

"Lunch? What are your lunches like?" Vash asked.

"Uh, well Walter usually whips something up and brings it to my office."

"I know a good sandwich place a few blocks away…" Vash said, casually.

"Are you asking me out?" Integra said angrily.

"Only if the answer is yes," Vash said as he began to sparkle.

"No. The answer is no, and stop that sparkling, there's none of that here." Vash frowned and sunk in his chair as Integra chastised him. "I don't know what you hope to gain by working for us Mr. Stampede, but you'll be sorely disappointed if you hope to find something other than mortal combat with the undead."

Vash shrugged. "That works too I guess," he said sullenly.

"Good. Your field trial will be in three days. I trust that's long enough?"

"Works for me."

"Good. There's a room for you in the manor; if you like, Walter will show you to it. If you stay here, you are to keep your distance from the other staff," Integra said, dreading the thought of him getting near Seras, or heaven forbid, Alucard.

"I'll think about it," Vash said.

"Good, see you again in three days."

**Meanwhile, somewhere in Italy **

"Well, your cross is certainly big enough," Enrico Maxwell, leader of Section XIII, the Iscariot Organization, said to the darkly clad stranger in his office.

"You guys allow smoking right?" Nicholas D. Wolfwood said as he pulled out a cigarette.

"But of course, you'll need to smoke after a few days in our line of work," Enrico said offering Wolfwood a light.

"Killing vampires right?" Wolfwood said, puffing on the cigarette.

"Vampires, heretics, heathens, Nazis, whatever."

"I, uh, I suppose I can get behind that. So am I hired or what?" Wolfwood said, sounding bored.

"Yes, yes, of course you're…hired." Maxwell returned to his desk and sat down in a large, plushy chair that matched his extravagant office. "Your faith is strong I trust? We at Iscariot are a pious lot, some would even say…fanatical."

Somehow the cigarette Wolfwood had been smoking had gotten broken in the middle. Wolfwood frowned and wondered how that kept happening. "My faith? Oh there's no problem with my faith. Why, it's stronger than ever. Amen and hallelujah."

"Amen. As it happens, we have a mission already lined up for you. You'll be making a trip to England along with Paladin Anderson," Maxwell said as he pulled out a folder from his desk drawer. "In there is all you need to know."

Wolfwood picked up the folder and opened it as he leaned on his giant crucifix for support. "Anderson? What's he like?"

"He's nice enough until he runs into a demon or a heathen, then he loses his mind and becomes a psychotic killer. He uses bayonets," Maxwell said smiling.

"Bayonets? I guess that could be pretty cool," Wolfwood frowned as he looked at the dossiers within the folder. "Say, who are these Hellsing guys?"

**End Vash the Stampede Interview. **


	10. Vash the Stampede Field Test

**Vash the Stampede Field Test.**

"He's going to have to get a new coat. The sunglasses can stay, but the coat has to go," Alucard said to Integra Hellsing as they both stood on a large scaffold overlooking the maze-like shooting range bellow.

"Why? You didn't have a problem with the older Elric brother having a red coat," Integra said looking off towards the barracks as Vash the Stampede came out, escorted by Seras Victoria. The two had spending far too much time with one another for Integra's liking and she frowned upon seeing them together.

"Elric didn't have sunglasses, nor did he use a gun," Alucard said darkly.

"Actually, he seems to have taken to gun use, almost as much as Saotome," Integra said.

"You know what I'm getting at," Alucard said. "Put a hat on him and he's basically me."

Integra rolled her eyes. "Just continue killing people without any sense of remorse and you'll be different enough."

Alucard turned away and sneered. Vash and Seras stopped in front of the entrance to the testing site and looked up towards Integra for instructions. Integra cleared her throat, "Seeing as how you've brought your own gun, we'll be allowing you to use that," she said loudly to Vash. "You know the drill, there's targets in the maze, aim for the head and the heart, do well and you pass, blah, blah, blah."

"Sounds easy enough," Vash said drawing his gun and checking to make sure it was loaded.

"Right, get going," Integra shouted.

"Good luck!" Seras said, patting Vash on the back. He winked at her and entered the shooting range spinning his gun on his finger.

"Show-off," Alucard muttered.

Anything Vash had done to irritate Integra in the past three days was nearly erased by his performance. All of his shots hit the head or the heart of the targets; sometimes Vash didn't bother to stop in front of a door before firing. He hit them on the run, sometimes using the ricochet to make the shot. Even Alucard looked slightly impressed. "Well, he's hired, that's for sure," Integra said sounding as pleased as she ever did. "From here on out, we're just seeing the extent of what he can do."

"Is this my cue?" Alucard asked. Vash had nearly reached the center of the maze, the room containing a straight hallway to the exit.

"Yes. Don't kill or maim him beyond repair. He's too valuable."

"Oh please, he's just a…" Alucard stopped mid sentence and turned his head toward the south. At first, Integra thought he looked puzzled but when a faint look of amusement twisted the corners of his mouth up, she felt her stomach get heavy.

_Dear lord, what is it this time? Last time he had that look we were all nearly eaten by freaks,_ she thought. "What is it?"

"I sense something. This could be fun," Alucard said, fading into a shadow on the floor and disappearing.

"Damn. Fun for him usually means paperwork and dead employees for me," Integra cupped her hands over her mouth, "That's enough! Get out here now! It's time to go to work!" she shouted towards Vash. "Seras! Look alive!" she bolted down the stairs to the scaffold and headed towards the main part of the mansion where she would likely find Walter. She needed a gun and a sword.

Vash joined Seras just in time for Alucard to materialize next to her. At some point during his shadowy journey from the scaffold to the ground he had retrieved her Halconnen cannon. "Here," he said handing it to Seras. She looked sullen as she grabbed it.

"What's this for? Where did Sir Integra go?" Seras asked.

"You'd know if you'd drink that blood. You'd be able to sense what I sense," Alucard said calmly, as though he had been over this many times.

"What is it you're sensing?" Vash said scanning the southern horizon.

The thumping drone of a helicopter filled their ears as a small black dot appeared on the horizon, getting steadily larger as it drew closer. "Should I shoot it down?" Seras asked.

"Probably. But let it come. It's been a while since we've had a good fight, and besides, I think this is a good time to test Mr. Stampede's true capabilities," Alucard said grinning.

"Uh, you guys can call me Vash. Stampede isn't exactly a term of endearment…" Vash complained.

The helicopter stopped just past the tree-line, over a grassy field that lay between the Hellsing manor and the forest. The trio could see two ropes fall from the helicopter, followed by two figures repelling down onto the ground. After dusting themselves off and pointing towards the mansion, they began to walk ominously towards the testing field. "Crap," Vash said upon recognizing the large crucifix slung across the back of one of the dark figures.

"Oh look, it IS Anderson," Alucard said happily. "I knew this day would come," he said drawing his Jackal.

Seras swallowed hard. "A-Anderson?" her voice cracked. "Paladin Anderson?"

"No, Louie Anderson," Alucard said with disdain.

Vash was looking puzzled. "Someone you know?"

"We've met before yes…the one with the big cross is a new one to me however," Alucard said.

Vash sighed. "I know him. He's an old friend of mine."

The two newcomers stopped fifty yards from them. Anderson pushed his glasses up and drew two bayonets from his long coat. He had a large sneering grin on his face to match Alucard's. Wolfwood was looking stoic, his sunglasses reflecting the scene before him, his cigarette broken as usual.

"It's a great day to be out killing heathens and demons, wouldn't you say Wolfwood?" Anderson said.

Wolfwood raised an eyebrow. "Uh, that wasn't our mission."

Anderson snorted. "That's always our mission. Even if we are her to collect the bounty on this Vash the Stampede, our mission is always the killing of demons and heathens."

Wolfwood coughed, "Yeah, alright fine." Wolfwood pulled a strap on his crucifix, the white cloth fell away revealing a huge, cross-shaped gun.

Vash and Alucard exchanged looks. "A bounty? How much?" Alucard said, amused.

"Uh, I think it's up to…60,000,000 double dollars," Vash said meekly.

"Double dollars?" Seras said, looking confused. "What's a double dollar? Is that like…two dollars?" She looked at Vash with wide eyes. "So you're worth $120,000,000! Master, why don't we turn him in for the bounty?"

"Hey! I thought we were friends!" Vash shouted.

"Well, we are, but out mission costs such an awful lot of money and…" Seras was cut off by a bayonet as it pierced her throat. She gurgled and gagged, dropping her cannon to pull the bayonet out.

Alucard and Anderson both began to move. Anderson made to stab Alucard with his bayonets, while the vampire dodged, trying to get a good shot with his gun. That left Vash and Wolfwood. "How'd you hook up with these guys? They're a bit intense don't you think?" Vash said to Wolfwood.

Wolfwood looked at Seras as she choked on her own blood, behind her, Alucard had two bayonets sticking out of him, while Anderson was favoring his left leg, which was a bloody ruin. Wolfwood shrugged. "Maybe a little."

"Well then why are you working for them?" Vash asked as he ducked a stray bayonet.

"I'm a priest, so I thought I should try to act more like it," Wolfwood said aiming his gun at Vash.

"More like a priest? I don't think these guys are shining examples of priesthood," Vash said drawing his own gun.

"I've seen worse," Wolfwood said firing off a volley at Vash. Vash leapt to the side and returned fire, aiming to damage Wolfwood's gun.

"Isn't there an orphanage or a soup kitchen somewhere you could work in? Why do you have to come over here and shoot at me?" Vash asked running behind the scaffolding for cover.

Wolfwood crouched next to the testing maze wall. "Enough about me," Wolfwood shouted. "What are you doing with these guys? What happened to love and peace? These guys are anything but."

"Aren't you the one who is always telling me I'm too naïve?" Vash shouted as he ducked under a rain of Wolfwood's bullets that slipped past the supports of the scaffold. "Working here is just what I need!"

"Oh yeah?" Wolfwood said as one of Vash's bullets raised a clump of dirt next to him. "What about your killing phobia? You do know that these people work to kill vampires?"

"Ha! Trick question. Vampires are already dead and thus, cannot be killed," Vash said as he bolted for the barracks, firing at Wolfwood to cover himself.

Anderson saw him move from the corner of his eye. _Hmm, accomplish my assignment…fight with vampire…mission…vampire…vampire…mission…_ "Wolfwood! I'll hold this one off, you get the target!"

Wolfwood rolled his eyes and ran towards the barracks, leaping over Seras' twitching body as he ran. Vash had entered the barracks, meaning that Wolfwood didn't dare charge through the door. "Come on Vash, quit screwing around. The money will go to poor people, I swear it," he shouted into the barracks.

Bullet holes appeared in the door in reply. Wolfwood cursed when he realized the shots had come from behind him. He turned to see Integra Hellsing standing behind him holding a revolver. "I've had just about enough of you Iscariot types killing my employees. Drop your weapon or suffer the consequences," she said coldly.

Wolfwood looked past Integra to see Anderson completely enthralled with his own battle. "Some backup," Wolfwood muttered.

Integra smiled. "He's a shining example of what Iscariot has to offer. Too wrapped up in their own fanatical obsessions to watch their comrades back."

"Give it up Wolfwood!" Vash shouted from inside. "Just run. She's really, really scary!"

Wolfwood leveled his weapon at Integra. Her face remained a blank as she held her weapon steady. His finger found the trigger and slowly began to squeeze. _What the hell am I doing? Hunting Vash, shooting at women, this is crazy._ He lowered the gun. "Anderson!" he shouted. "We're gone!"

"What?" Anderson shouted back as he ducked a bullet fired by Alucard. "No we're not!"

"Yes we…"

Wolfwood was cut off by Vash's screaming.

"What's the matter with him?" Integra said.

Wolfwood turned towards the door, "Vash, what is it?"

"Uh, nothing! Don't come in here. Just, uh, just run. Run away as fast as you can," Vash said, sounding worried.

"What the hell is the matter with him?" Integra said sounding annoyed. Alucard and Anderson stopped fighting, their attention had been grabbed. Even a wounded Seras managed to look up.

Wolfwood was getting a bad feeling in his stomach. The feeling intensified when a radiant light began to shine through the bullet holes in the door and through the windows of the barracks. Wolfwood kicked down the door just in time to see that Vash's arm had turned into a large, plant-like energy cannon. Wolfwood backed up slowly, shutting the door behind him. Integra, Anderson, Alucard and Seras were all looking at him. "Should we run?" Seras managed to say despite her throat wound.

Wolfwood pluck another cigarette out of a pack in his pocket and lit it. "Don't bother."

A blinding light followed by a horrendous sound filled their reality, making all of creation nothing but heat and light. When the dust settled, the barracks was gone and the testing site was in ruins along with a wing of the Hellsing mansion. After the dust had settled, the six of them staggered back to the mansion's main kitchen, where Walter had prepared tea for them all.

"Well that was pointless," Anderson said putting down his cup.

"Maxwell is going to be pissed," Wolfwood said.

"Good. Let him be pissed," Integra muttered.

Seras took a sip of tea and cursed as it poured down her shirt, via the hole in her throat caused by Anderson's bayonet.

"You don't have a black coat that you could wear or anything, do you?" Alucard asked Vash.

Vash was crying into his tea. "I don't know what happened. The arm just…did that."

**End Vash the Stampede Field Exam. **


	11. Harry Potter Interview

**The Hellsing Files: Harry Potter Interview.**

Integra narrowed her eyes at the skinny, pasty, scruffy looking boy who sat nervously in front of her. He had large, circular glasses and was sporting a bizarre lighting shaped scar on his forehead. Plenty of odd people were joining the ranks of Hellsing these days, but a mere boy? Would she stoop this low?

"So, you're a wizard then?" Integra said, looking at the boy's application, a document she had thoroughly read before his arrival. She hadn't expected him to enter via the fireplace however.

"I'm still in school for it, but I suppose you could say I'm a wizard," the boy said.

"School? What sort of school teaches magic Mr., eh, Potter?"

"Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry," Harry Potter said with a hint of pride. "It's the best magic school in England."

"There are other magical schools in England?" Integra said, raising an eyebrow.

Harry scratched his neck nervously; the woman who sat before him was scarier than any of his professors ever had been. "Well, uh, no I don't think so."

"So you do magic then I take it? What sort of magic? We've already got a bloke who does alchemy, what makes you so special?" Integra said locking her fingers and resting her elbows on her desk.

Harry nervously pulled out his wand and looked around for something on Integra's desk. He cleared his throat. "S-"

"Stop!" Integra shouted, causing Harry to jump in his seat. "No the desk! For the love of the Queen, not the desk! The mantle, by the fireplace where you came in, destroy something on that!"

Harry seemed to relax a little as he stood up and walked over to the mantle which sat several family portraits and an two urns. "Scourgify!" Harry shouted, flicking his wand at the mantle. The urns shook slightly and threatened to fall over but remained in their places. Integra stood up and walked over to stand beside Harry.

"What did you do?" she asked, examining the urns.

Harry looked over the mantle; the dust on the pictures had disappeared along with cobwebs and bits of plaster. "I, uh, cleaned it," he said eyeing the urns.

Integra frowned and picked up her father's urn. She knew what had happened before opening the lid to receive visual confirmation that her beloved father's ashes had been evaporated by the prepubescent, magical janitor standing by her side. Sighing, she put the urn back and slowly returned to her desk. Harry followed suit, resuming his seat in front of Integra.

"I take it that's not your only trick," she said lighting up a cigar and angrily puffing away at it.

"No," Harry said in a thin, reedy voice. "I-I can disarm people, repair stuff, float things, summon objects, produce a corporeal patronus,'

"A what?"

"A corporeal pat-"

"Never mind, I don't care," Integra said, cutting him off. "How do you feel about killing vampires? Can you do that?"

"Well…I guess I could. Evil vampires, right?"

"Are there any other kind?" Integra asked, thinking about Seras for a brief moment.

"I don't know. Are there?" Harry asked.

"You'll have to learn to shoot a gun. Is that a problem?"

Harry coughed. "Well, no, I don't suppose it would be. I can still use my wand right?"

"Yes, of course. I've got a few more questions for you though," Integra said picking up his application and looking at it with a blank expression.

"What?" Harry asked, putting up a front of false confidence.

"First off, what the hell is quidditch? It says here it's a hobby of yours. I hope you know that illegal substances are still illegal once inside these walls." Integra scolded, waving the paper at him.

Harry looked confused. "Oh, no, quidditch is a wizard sport. You play it on a broomstick. There's the golden snitch, quaffles, beaters, bludgers, and then there's the-"

"Don't care," Integra said stopping him with a wave of her hand. "What's a parselmouth?"

"Someone who can talk to snakes," Harry said quietly.

"What's that? Speak up boy, I can't hear you."

"I can talk to snakes!" Harry said loudly. "It doesn't mean I'm like him though! Just because I see through his eyes and can talk to snakes doesn't mean-"

"Enough," Integra said, stopping Harry. "Whatever grudges you have from your previous occupation don't matter here. Here, you enemies are the vampires, is that clear?" Harry shrugged and sulked in the chair. Integra puffed her cigar and flicked the ashes into a trey. "Why do you want to join Hellsing?"

Harry bit his lip. "I guess you could say…it's for an internship."

Integra raised her eyebrow. "We at Hellsing do not have an internship program."

Harry threw his hands up to indicate he had nothing to do with it. "Uh, yes you do."

Integra coughed. "Really? Care to tell me about in then, seeing as how I'm the head of this organization."

"All I know is that someone named Walter got in touch with Argus Filch, our caretaker, through some kind of caretaker network or rather and Filch sent me here…"

"Hold on a minute," Integra said putting out her cigar. "The caretaker, your school janitor I should say, is also in charge of internships?"

"Yes," said Harry smiling too broadly.

"Let me just ask Walter about this," she said picking up a phone receiver on her desk.

"Alright, I'll come clean," Harry said before she could dial. "I'm serving detention."

"You're what?" Integra said putting down the phone.

"I was caught lacing Professor Snape's robes with itching powder. He's finally pushed me over the edge you see, so this is my punishment."

Integra frowned. She knew schools could be strict but sending a child to work in a place with a mortality rate as high as Hellsing's was downright medieval. "What happens if I don't hire you?"

Harry turned white. "Oh no! Please, you have to hire me! They said you'd take anyone you're so desperate, I thought I was safe!" Integra's eye twitched. "Oh, crap, I'm doomed if you don't hire me! Do you know what Snape will do to me if this doesn't work out?"

"Do you know what a vampire will do to you if it gets a hold of you?" Integra asked.

"Kill me eventually, I reckon…not Snape though! Oh, please give me a job! I don't care if it's scrubbing toilets, I do it, anything!"

Something about the boy's pleading made Integra think it was highly unusual for him to stoop to such a level. Seeing someone normally strong of will, reduced to begging touched off a flicker of pity deep down inside the stony depths of her heart. "Oh, alright. I suppose I'll move you along to field trial. It's set for the nineteenth, on the northern section of the grounds. I'll have Walter keep a room for you until then."

Harry beamed. "Thank you, Sir Integra, I'll be there," He said standing up. "I think I can return those ashes back too."

Integra smiled. "That would be nice."

"Maybe if I say the spell backward…"

It took a moment for what he said to sink in. He said in the tone of voice one uses when they are about to attempt something they have never done, and understand very little. "Oh dear Lord no!" Integra shouted.

Too late. Harry's wand came down with a sharp flick, "Yfigruocs!" he shouted. Above Integra's desk, a giant pile of dirt appeared. Formed from every dust particle, every cobweb, every bit of grass tracked in from a shoe, that had ever been in the main office, the large heap of filth and dirt crashed down on Integra's desk, thoroughly destroying and burying it. "You little bastard!" Integra shouted bounding up and over the dirt pile, gloved outstretched towards Harry's throat.

Harry woke up staring at the ceiling of what he took to be a hospital. He could hear muffled voices off to his right, by the door. He couldn't see out of one eye and his entire body felt like it had been under the Cruciatus curse for ten whole minutes. "We were able to extract the wand, but it would be advisable that he not walk too far at a time," one of the voices said. "The stitches need time to heal him up a bit…before he tries anything like that."

"We'll have to reschedule his field test then," another voice said.

"Most definitely."

**End Harry Potter Interview. **


	12. Harry Potter Field Test

**Harry Potter Field Trial.**

Integra looked bored as she stood atop the scaffold that overlooked the testing ground. She had seen half a dozen people, each more bizarre than the last, navigate the maze using whatever freakish ability they possessed. Today she had a young, teenage boy who claimed to be a wizard of all things taking the field trial.

Harry Potter stood at the entrance of the maze holding out his wand and looking terrified. Walter, the Hellsing families butler, held out an automatic rifle for the youth to use inside the maze. Tucking his wand beneath his armpit, Harry accepted the rifle nervously.

"Is that weapon really going to be necessary?" A large toothed, bushy headed girl standing next to Integra on the scaffold said, looking up at Integra.

Integra pushed up her glasses and glared down at the girl. "Yes."

"But he's got his wand. A gun can't stand up to a wand," said a taller, red headed, freckled lad, about Harry's age, as he stood on the other side of the girl.

"Really? Care to test that theory?" Integra asked unbuttoning the holster of her own gun.

"Uh, no thanks," the red headed kid said. Integra had decided to allow Harry's friends come and watch his field trial. Apparently they were also wizards and went to the same school. Integra had been hoping to possibly get three wizards to join Hellsing, but these two didn't seem interested.

"When you're ready Potter. Simply enter the maze and make your way to the center eliminating the targets along the way. Head and heart shots are all that count," Integra shouted down to the boy.

Harry looked at the maze and began to sweat. Walter, who was watching him closely, thought he was about to faint. "Something wrong lad? They're just cardboard and foam, no real vampires are in the maze," Walter said, not sure if he was telling the complete truth. Sometimes Alucard woke up to give the recruits a hard time.

Harry took a step toward the maze and stopped. Heavy breathing now accompanied his profuse sweating. "I-I can do this," he muttered to himself. "It's just a maze. Just a normal maze…"

"What's wrong with him?" Integra asked either of the two children next to her; Ron and Hermione she thought they said their names were.

Hermione bit her lip. "Oh, why didn't I realize this before?"

"Realize what?" Integra asked.

"Harry's had a bad experience with a maze. You see, the last trial of the Triwizard tournament involved a magical maze where the objective was to touch the Goblet of Fire in the center. Only it turned out to be a port key to…"

"Bad experience, maze, got it," Integra said, cutting Hermione off. "Well if he can't do the field trial then I guess we can't hire him. If he thinks his maze experience was bad, there's no way he'll handle live combat with an N.H.B."

Integra was about to call the whole affair off when Harry suddenly plunged through the entrance to the maze, followed by cheers from Ron and Hermione. "After all, he is a Gryffindor," Ron said with pride.

"A Gryff…never mind," Integra said watching as Harry lugged the assault rifle through a hallway. When Harry encountered his first target, he opened fire. The gun sent a volley of bullets at the target, causing the muzzle to jump upward and away.

"He has no idea what he's doing with that thing," Hermione muttered. "Harry! Your wand! Use your wand!" she shouted down to him.

Integra smacked the girl upside the back of her head, sending her bushy hair flying forward. She watched as Harry looked at the wand and then at the gun. He then set the weapon down, pointed his wand at it, and shouted something. The gun floated up into the air and began to follow Harry around. It reminded Integra of that Mickey Mouse cartoon with the enchanted brooms.

Ignoring the dirty look Hermione was giving her, Integra watched Harry and his enchanted rifle walk through the maze, accurately shooting all of the vampire targets and missing the civilians. Integra shrugged, deciding that she would allow it. She let the Elrics use alchemy, she might as well let Potter use his magic.

When Harry reached the center of the maze he froze in his tracks. Sitting on a pedestal in the central room was an oversized chalice. Harry began to sweat and shake all over again, causing the enchantment on the gun to weaken and waver. "Did he have a bad experience with a big cup as well?" Integra asked, sounding annoyed.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he did," Hermione said, sounding equally annoyed. "What made you decide on a cup anyway?"

Integra shrugged. "It was Seras' idea to have him touch the cup. She said she had gotten the idea from some book or rather."

Hermione and Ron looked worriedly down at Harry, who seemed to be on the verge of having a full-blown flashback. "Does it have to be a cup?" asked Hermione.

"No. But it's a bit late in the game to change the object now. Look, if he's got a maze and cup phobia I don't think…"

Hermione flicked her wand and sent some strange magical energy flying at the cup. It struck the edge and with a loud bang and a puff of smoke, the cup was gone. In its place was a comely Asian girl, dressed similar to three other wizards only with purple being the secondary color of her robes. Seeing the girl seemed to snap Harry out of his fear induced stupor and into another type of mental blankness. With his hands outstretched, he walked clumsily over to where the girl sat on the pedestal, beckoning with her hand. Integra was too baffled to say anything.

When Harry and the girl's fingertips touched, all hell broke loose. An inky black cloud enveloped the entire central room, obscuring Harry and the girl. Ron and Hermione made cries of confusion and fear, while Integra groaned with annoyance. "what is he going to do now?"

The inky globe of darkness vanished, leaving the room empty save for the pedestal and the chalice that sat on it. "W-what happened?" Ron stammered.

"Another port key? Why did you put a port key in there? Where is Harry?" Hermione shouted at Integra.

"He's off to consult his employment with a senior staff member," Integra said as she walked off the scaffold. "If he's in any shape to work when he comes back, I guess we'll hire him,"

Hermione and Ron trotted after Integra, shouting questions and threats.

Harry wasn't sure where he was. The ground was black, the sky was black, everything was black. For all he knew he was falling through some void, although the solid ground underneath him made him think otherwise. He nearly screamed when he saw a pair of red orbs, that he took to be eyes, shining in the darkness not ten feet to his left. "W-what's this? Where am I?"

"It might be the deepest pit of hell. Does it really matter?" a deep, velvety voice said.

"Yes, yes it does matter," said Harry pointing his wand at the eyes. "_lumos!"_ he said, causing the wand tip to glow. The light revealed a tall dark haired man in a blood red coat and a wide brimmed hat; the owner of the red eyes. "Who are you?"

"They call me Alucard," he said, looking Harry up and down. "And you must be Harry Potter?"

"That's right. Is this some trick of Voldemort's? Are you one of his Death Eaters?"

Alucard chuckled. "I see your life is rather complicated. No worries; I'm no Death Eater…although that does have a nice ring to it."

"Well then what's going on here? Last I remember was that awful cup turning into Cho Chang. Am I finished with this field trial or what?"

Alucard gave a small sneer. "My master is mistaken if she thinks that shooting paper targets is the way to measure a man's worth. You want to join Hellsing? You want to stand in the same ranks as me? Kill me and show me you have the right!" Alucard drew his Cassul and fired. Harry had thrown up a shield charm the instant he saw Alucard go for his gun.

"_Expelliamus!"_ Harry shouted. Alucard's gun flew out of his hand. Looking surprised and amused he drew his other gun, the mighty Jackal, and fired. Harry saw his life flash before his eyes. His parents, the Dursleys, Hogwarts, Ron and Hermione, Quidditch, and finally…Dobby. Only Dobby was no image called forth by his dying brain, Dobby was physically present, leaping in front of him, taking the bullet. Elf blood and guts flew everywhere as Dobby hit the ground with a wet thud. Harry looked down at the house elf in horror as his lifeless eyes stared up into the darkness.

"What in the hell…" Alucard said, walking forward to inspect what he had shot.

"You killed Dobby!" Harry shouted.

"Dobby? What the hell is it? It looks like a monkey of some kind,"

"You shot him! You shot him dead!" Harry screamed, tears running from his eyes.

"Well…it was an accident. He literally came out of nowhere. No one has ever done that; not when I make everything all black and weird like this," Alucard said, looking down at the crying Harry and wondering if, for once, he had gone too far.

"You killed him. He's dead…you…you…wonderful man."

"What?"

Harry stood up and wrapped his arms around Alucard and gave him a tight squeeze. "Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. That horrible thing has been ruining my life since my second year of school. It thinks it's doing me favors when really it's nearly gotten me killed and expelled. It talks so stupid to…"

Alucard patted Harry on the back, trying to touch him as little as possible. "There, there…there, there. It's dead now."

"So am I in?" Harry asked, letting go of Alucard and looking up at him.

"Yeah, I guess so."

**End Harry Potter Field Test. **


	13. Order:1 Fullmetal Potter

**The Hellsing Files: **

**Order 1: Fullmetal Potter. **

Integra put down the phone after hearing what Walter had to say. From the sounds of it, there was a good old fashioned vampire attack occurring at a boat launch just south of Chichester. As usual, the police had gone in, gotten slaughtered, called in a SWAT team, and had gotten that slaughtered as well. "One of these days, they'll learn," Integra said irritably as she looked over personnel reports.

She frowned. According to the reports only two personnel were combat ready. All others were either out on missions or were recovering from completed ones. "Harry Potter and Edward Elric," Integra muttered. She did not want to send people so young into battle by themselves. Picking up the phone, she dialed rapidly. "Walter," she said upon hearing the butler's voice. "I've decided that you are to provide backup for Potter and Elric. Let them complete the mission, but if something goes wrong, step in."

From his end, Walter nodded. Realizing he was talking into a phone he quickly added. "Yes ma'am." Hanging up, he shook his head as he went to brief Potter and Elric on their mission. "As I recall, I was no older than either of them when I was off killing vampires and Nazis. I fear we coddle out youth too much these days," he said wistfully to himself as he approached the briefing room where he expected to find Potter and Elric.

The two boys were sitting alone in a room full of metal folding chairs placed in front of a projector. Walter took his place at the front of the room and regarded them with a grandfatherly amusement. "Your first mission as part of Hellsing; aren't you both exited?"

Ed nodded firmly while Harry turned a deeper shade of green. As Walter briefed them on what to expect upon entering the dockside town, Ed fidgeted in his chair, growing more exited by the second. By the time Walter finished, Harry had passed out on the floor.

"Hello Chief Malfas," Integra said to the bespectacled man wearing a suit. He was surrounded by police of various ranks who were all chattering away like hens. "There's a vampire down there, you're only feeding it, this is a job for Hellsing, we've got experts, blah, blah, blah," she said walking past him and sitting down in a chair reserved for people in command.

"S-sir Hellsing? I'm glad you came," Malfas said. "I'm afraid the situation is quite serious. Our spotters report two young teenagers are in the area. We haven't been able to reach them…I sent people after them but I'm afraid they'll have become casualties before we reach them in time."

"Relax Malfas, those boys are our newest experts," Integra said lighting up a cigar while Chief Malfas seemed to be developing an asthma attack.

Harry and Ed crouched low in the bushes as they watched the activity along the wharves. Two boats were on fire, in the light of the flames the boys could see a vision of hell. Over fifty people, police and civilians, had become ghouls. They were wandering about aimlessly, some stopping to chew the flesh off a fallen corpse. Harry vomited quietly behind a tree, and even Ed looked sickened. "Where's the vampire that created them?" Ed whispered to Harry when he returned.

Harry scanned the scene with his golden snitch spotting eyes. "I don't see it. Maybe it left?" The sound of a woman singing nixed that idea. Harry and Ed's attention shot to a large, beautiful sailboat. Harry squinted, by the light of the flames he could barely read the ships name in black letters on its white hull. "HMS Beagle," Harry said.

"Let's sneak in for a closer look," Ed said.

"Here, we'll use this." Harry pulled his invisibility cloak from his backpack and draped it over him and Ed. It was a cramped fit and they could barely walk, but they managed to sneak over to the Beagle, past the ghouls and the flames.

"Denn wir fahren. Gegen England! Auf nach England!" the voice sang.

"Say what?" Ed said listening to the lyrics and trying to see what was happening on the deck of the Beagle.

"I think it's German or something," Harry whispered.

"German? Those people with the zeppelin things? Why are they always bombing this country?" Ed said, sounding annoyed.

"Uh, I think a better question is why are they wrecking people's boats…and singing about it."

For an answer, Ed led Harry up the gangplank onto the deck of the Beagle. They stopped upon seeing what looked to be soldiers of some sort standing at attention near the bow. "Hey, soldiers. Maybe Sir Integra sent them to help us," Ed whispered.

Harry eyed the swastika on their armbands. "I don't think so," he said, feeling nervous.

"Denn wir wollen es nicht langer erleiden." The singer of the unfamiliar song could now be seen. She was a tall, thin woman with long black hair that extended far down her back. She was wearing a man's suit, as black as her hair, making her pale white skin look all the whiter. She turned to face the soldiers, still singing. The reflection of the flames in her glasses made her look like some sort of demon, fresh off the boat from hell.

"What's that she's got slung over her back?" Ed asked.

"Looks like a…musket?" Harry was puzzled to see such an ancient weapon in the hands of a modern soldier. At least he supposed she was some sort of solider, the way the others were saluting her.

"Wir lachen die…" she was interrupted by a nervous looking soldier who broke rank and coughed.

"Uh, Lieutenant," he said weakly in a German accent.

"What is it?" the woman snapped.

"I think there has been some sort of mistake…"

"Mistake? What sort of mistake? We were sent to capture this ship and we have captured it. Soon the Major's plan will…"

The soldier removed a piece of paper from his uniform pocket and looked at it nervously. "That's just it Lieutenant, I think we're on the wrong ship."

The woman stepped forward and snatched the paper from his hands. Leaning her musket against her side she held in front of her, gripping it with both hands. "Let's see here, proceed with detachment to harbor, check. Make contact with British defectors…" she looked up at the swarms of civilian ghouls, "check. Secure the aircraft carrier HMS Eagle…" she looked up at the seventy foot long sailboat. "Oh…" gritting her teeth she handed back the paper to the soldier.

"The Major is going to be pissed, isn't he?" the soldier said, tucking the paper away in his pocket.

"Not if he doesn't find out about it," the woman said. "I am the Huntress Rip van Winkle and what the Major doesn't know won't punish me." She looked around at her troops. "Prepare to sail! We'll use the Beagle to reach the Eagle and act like everything went according to plan!" she shouted.

Harry and Ed were forced to back up against the a wall to avoid the rush of soldiers as they moved to set sail. "Crap. This is bigger than we thought. What should we do?" Ed asked.

"Sink this boat and kill all of these vampires I guess," Harry said nervously.

Ed nodded. "Alright. Let's move somewhere where a sudden hole in the ships hull will sink it. I'll use my alchemy. If anything goes wrong, whip out your wand and do that voodoo that you do so nicely."

"I don't do voodoo, I do magic," Harry said defensively.

Back on shore Walter watched from his position behind the chimney of a small dockside office. He hadn't seen Elric and Potter since they donned the cloak but he had a feeling they were on the deck of the Beagle. He had also heard Lieutenant Rip's little conversation and it made him breathe a bit easier. "They're dumber than that Jan Valentine chap. I guess I'll leave this to the rookies after all."

**Too be continued… **


	14. Order:1 Fullmetal Potter part 2

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Order 1 part 2: Fullmetal Potter. **

Harry drew his wand and tried to remember a spell that might sink the HMS Beagle. When he couldn't think of one, he whispered to Ed, "Maybe you had better put a hole in the boat, I don't know a spell that can do it."

Ed smiled from beneath Harry's invisibility cloak as Nazi vampire soldiers scurried about, trying desperately to figure out how to operate a sailboat. "I guess magic isn't all it's cracked up to be," he said.

Ed crouched and clapped his hands together. The wooden mast behind them began to glow and bend over like a fishing pole that had snagged a huge fish. The soldiers began to shout in German as the tip of the mast punched through the deck, sending wooden shrapnel everywhere.

Lieutenant Rip van Winkle, the tall, pale woman in the dark suit with long black hair gaped in confusion and amazement at the mast. Shaking her head to snap out of her daze, she brought her musket up to her shoulder and fired. The bullet flew out of the gun and struck the mast, ripping through it. Ed and Harry were impressed, but not worried. The one shot hadn't been enough to snap the mast.

It was when the bullet came back to strike the mast again, that became worried. Their worry turned to outright fear as the bullet peppered the mast several times, snapping it near the base. Ed listened for the sound of seawater rushing up into the hull, but was disappointed. The mast hadn't pierced the bottom of the boat.

Rip shouted something in German. The soldiers stopped what they were doing and began scouring the deck. Some went bellow, presumably to search for whomever had caused the ship's mast to behave in such an unnatural manner.

"Lieutenant!" shouted the soldier that had pointed out that the Beagle was the wrong boat from the start. "We can't sail the ship in this condition. I think we should abort the mission and try again."

Rip scowled. "Very well. No one here knows how to sail anyway. But we're not leaving until we find who did this and kill them!"

"Right!" the solider saluted her and ran off. Rip glanced over the deck, scrutinizing every inch. Harry and Ed both felt chills go up their spines as her gaze fell on them. Walking forward, Rip began sniffing the air like a dog that had caught a scent.

"What's this?" she said, walking towards Ed and Harry. "I smell…I smell…stowaways!" she raised her musket and fired. Ed was quick enough to grab Harry and jump to the side out of the magic bullets path. He wasn't quick enough to dodge it on its return trip, but Harry had the presence of mind to raise his wand for a shield spell, deflecting the deadly musket ball.

Ed pulled off the cloak, lest it tangle him up. Now that they were both visible, the Nazi vampire's on the deck surrounded them, leaving an open spot for Rip to have another clear shot. Rip narrowed her eyes at the two boys, recognition dawning on her face upon seeing their Hellsing insignias. "Ah, I see. Hellsing's dogs. Dogs are no match for a hunter. Die!" she fired again.

Ed took the bullet in his arm. It became lodged in his automail and didn't fly around in an attempt to rip them to shreds. Harry took the opportunity to point his wand at Rip and shout "_Expelliamus!" _Rips gun flew from her hands and clattered across the deck.

"Hey! No fair!" Rip shouted. "You can't do that!"

"I can and I did," Harry said defiantly.

"No, really. You _can't_ do that," Rip said angrily. "That's not possible."

Harry looked puzzled. "Uh, yes it is. I just did it didn't I? It's magic."

"Magic?" Rip said, her eyebrow raised. "Whatever. Kill them!"

The vampires surrounding them lurched forward, Ed clapped his hands and placed them on the deck. Rip watched in horror as the deck itself came alive into sharp stakes, impaling her underlings where they stood.

Rip made a break for her gun. Both Harry and Ed were on their feet chasing after her. Harry was flinging sparks at Rip with his wand while Ed had transmuted his metal arm into a sharp blade. Dodging the sparks, Rip slid for her gun on her stomach, grabbing it and flipping into her back to face the two boys. She hadn't been quick enough, they were on her before she could shoot, kicking, punching and tugging at her gun. Rip winced as Harry smacked over the head repeatedly with his wand. It didn't do much damage, but it stung quite a bit.

Rip's jaw dropped in shock as her beloved gun began to glow and change shape. Ed was concentrating heavily on the transmutation as the gun shrank and grew thicker near one end. When he had finished, Rip was holding a wooden baseball bat. "What have you done?" she asked in a weak voice.

"Taken away your weapon," Ed said haughtily, standing back. Harry also ceased his attacks and backed up. "Surrender. You're unarmed."

Harry and Ed's smug looks fell away as Rip gripped the bat by the handle. "Like hell I am," she snarled, swinging at Harry's legs. She struck him in the shins and he went down. Ed clapped his hands together, only to double over in pain as Rip's bat found his genitals. With Ed on the ground, curled up in the fetal position, Rip began striking him with the bat. "My gun! You ruined it! Fix it!" she shouted, landing blow after blow.

Suddenly, Rip was swinging only half a bat. She looked at the stump she was holding to see that it had been cut neatly in half. "I think that's quite enough," said a stern voice from behind the impaled soldiers. Rip looked towards the voice to see a older man dressed like a butler standing on the deck. Her eyes could see thin wires extending from his hands.

Without thinking, Rip hurled the broken bat at the man. She guessed he hadn't expected it, the bat struck him between the eyes, he staggered backward and fell over the railing with a splash. Rip's victory was short lived however. Harry muttered something, flicked his wand and suddenly Rip saw the ship grow larger. Harry and Ed also began to grow, along with the other half of the bat that had fallen onto the deck.

Harry picked Rip up by the back of her shirt and held her in front of him. When she realized she had been shrunk, she began kicking her legs and shouting curses in German. "What should we do with her?" Harry asked, looking the mini monstrosity that was Rip van Winkle over.

Ed staggered to his feet, the look of pain on his face mixed with malice. "Take her with us, I've got an idea."

Integra eyed the sullen, eight inch, Nazi vampire commando sitting in a birdcage on her desk with suspicion. "You realize of course, that out mission is to destroy vampires. Not shrink them and keep them in cages?" she said to Ed Elric and Harry Potter as they sat in chairs in front of her new desk.

Harry shrugged. "We killed a bunch though. Ed impaled them using the wood from the deck."

Ed nodded. "Yeah, we bagged a lot. Besides, she isn't much of a threat like she is now."

Rip gave an indignant, high pitched, huff. "You'll pay for this! Both of you!' she said, sounding like a chipmunk. Integra gave the cage a stiff smack, knocking Rip backward.

"Quiet you," Integra said. Turning to the boys she said, "I'll let it slide this time. But next time you're ordered to eliminate all enemy vampires, you had best do it."

"Yes sir," they both said in unison.

"Right. Dismissed," Integra said, pulling a cigar from a pack on her desk and lighting it.

When the two boys had gone, she looked at Rip with a flat expression of disinterest. "I think," she said after a minute of looking at mini-Rip, "That having a pet might help cheer Seras up a bit. Don't you think?"

Rip's eyes bulged. "A pet? No! You wouldn't…would you? Oh, you would. You vile woman, I'll get you for this, I swear! I…" Rip coughed as a cloud of Integra's cigar smoke enveloped her.

"I'm told you like to sing operas. I'll just tell Seras you're a rare, singing monkey from India," Integra smiled, throwing a towel over the cage as Rip ranted and raved in her native tongue.

**End Order One: Fullmetal Potter. **


	15. Rosette Christopher Interview

**The Hellsing Files: Rosette Christopher Interview.**

Integra took off her glasses and rubbed the bridge of her nose. The heap of papers on her desk had kept her busy for most of the morning. She would have liked nothing more than to sting them up on the firing range and put bullets though them, but if she didn't fill them all out in time Hellsing would be footing the bill for the damaged boats and the funerals of the people killed in the last vampire attack.

"They should really have insurance for this kind of thing," Integra muttered. "Maybe some kind of secret insurance plan or rather…"

Her muttering was interrupted by a knock at her office door. Integra cursed; she had forgotten that she had an interview today. "Enter," she said, perhaps a little too harshly.

The door creaked open slowly and a blond, blue eyed nun, wearing a white a blue habit with an odd looking watch around her neck entered the room. Integra's eyes fell to her waist, where she had a gun holstered. Integra dove under her desk upon seeing the gun and drew her own. The nun froze, confused, but quickly ducked behind a chair as Integra fired over the desk.

"What the-are you crazy?" the nun shouted, drawing her own weapon.

Integra remained crouched beneath her desk. She wasn't about to fall for any Vatican assassin's tricks. "Surrender!" Integra shouted. "When my subordinates get her, you'll be surrounded."

The nun's mouth hung open for a second. She had been told to expect a cold reception from Integra Hellsing, but this was ridiculous. "What is this? I just came for the interview!"

Integra's mind flashed to the résumé she had glanced over prior to starting the mountain of paperwork that was now sitting on her desk. Frowning, she recalled that Rosette Christopher, the woman she had been scheduled to interview, was a nun. Integra slid her gun back into its holster and slowly stood up, looking as dignified as possible. Integra coughed. "Of course you are. That was merely a test to see of you were worth interviewing." Integra smoothed her uniform and sat down, folding her hands calmly while Rosette dragged herself to her feet, looking terrified.

"D-does everyone who works here have to get shot at?" Rosette asked.

"Yes."

"I guess it's not such a big change…" Rosette said, looking away from Integra's steely gaze.

"Right then," Integra said, shuffling about in the heap of papers for Rosette's application. "It says here you used to belong to the Magdalene Order's militia…meaning that I have few questions about your abilities," Integra put the paper down and looked into Rosette's eyes. "But I have some serious questions about your motivation for joining Hellsing."

Rosette swallowed hard. "What do you mean?"

"My organization has had some prior difficulties with the Catholic church, namely Section XIII, the Iscariot organization. You wouldn't have had any dealings with them now, would you?" Integra asked, leaning forward slightly.

Rosette's brow furrowed at the question. "Section XIII? Iscariot? I don't know what you mean."

_Like you would tell me if you did. No matter, you'll tell me everything soon enough, _Integra thought. "Good, good. So glad to hear you're not a spy sent by Maxwell. Would you like some tea?"

"Uh, no, not really," Rosette said.

"Excellent, I'll have Walter bring us up some." Integra pushed a button on her speaker phone. "Walter, tea for two please."

"Right away my Lady," Walter's voice said through the phone. "How will your guest be taking it?"

"I'll have to sugars and some milk," Rosette said.

With a slight smirk Integra added, "She'd like the good sugar, Walter. Not the plain sort."

"Right away," Walter said.

"The good sugar?" Rosette asked. "What sort of sugar is that? I'd be happy with plain."

"Nonsense, you're worth it," Integra said flatly. "Now why would you leave your order to join another, protestant, order that hunts vampires instead of spirits and demons? It seems like you were already doing something worthwhile."

The expression on Rosette's face fell. "Well…it's complicated. I'm looking for someone."

"Who?"

"My brother Joshua. I heard a rumor he was in England, with vampires," Rosette said, her voice had become distant.

Integra sighed. _That has to be the worst cover story I've ever heard. Nasty Vatican spy, you'll tell me everything you know about Maxwell's plans soon enough,_ Integra thought. "I suppose that's as good a reason as any. Now about your brother…" Walter's knocking interrupted her. "Enter," Integra said.

Walter entered the room carrying a tea tray. He set it down on Integra's desk and handed Rosette her cup. Rosette nodded and thanked the butler as she sipped the tea. When Walter had left, Integra resumed her questioning. "Why would your brother be consorting with vampires?"

Rosette took a large gulp of the tea and blinked hard. "He, uh, he sort of had demon horns stuck on his head," Rosette said heavily. "Then he…froze time at the convent and then me and Chrono decided we'd make a contract and…"

Integra smiled. "I see it's working already. Chrono? Who is this Chrono?"

Rosette downed the tea dropped the cup. "Chrono? Oh he's just the cutest little demon you ever saw. He's been my friend for ages and I've made a contract with him and he drains my soul when he uses his powers and I'm going to die soon and…"

"Stop, stop, that's enough about that. I had a feeling you'd be weird, that's not the issue. Now, what orders did you receive from the head of Iscariot, Enrico Maxwell?"

Rosette smiled. "Maxwell House…freshens up your cup…the best part of waking up…no that's not right."

Integra rolled her eyes. Truth serum was unreliable at best. Sometimes the subject babbled at length about nothing before giving up what the interrogator wanted. "What did the Vatican send you to do?" Integra said, hoping to put the drugged nun back on track.

Rosette was looking at the surface of Integra's desk. Her face was being reflected back at her in she varnish. "The Vatican…sent me to spirits and Joshua." Rosette's eyes narrowed into slits as she stared at her reflection on Integra's newly polished desk. "Hey! What am I doing stuck in the desk?"

Integra stood up, knowing where this was headed. "No, no, over here, look at me! Look at me! Forget the desk, just forge…"

Rosette drew her gun and pointed it at the surface of Integra's desk. "Oh, so you want to gunfight do ya?"

Integra was shaking her head slowly. _She's having a reaction to the drug Walter slipped into her tea…what a disaster, _Integra thought. "Never mind the desk. Just sit down and there will be no more questions. I'm convinced you're not a Vatican agent!" Integra said, hoping that Rosette would at least divert her attention from Integra's desk.

Instead she fired on it. Five shots altogether obliterated the surface of the desk causing it to cave in on itself beneath all of Integra's paperwork. When the destruction was complete, Rosette let her gun fall to her side and looked about the room with a blank expression.

The door to Integra's office opened and Walter entered looking concerned. "I heard gunfire…again."

Integra pulled out a pack of cigars, lit one, and took a long drag. She blew the smoke out her nose as she looked down at her ruined desk. "Take Miss Christopher to the medical wing so she can sleep off the effects of the serum. I think she's on the level so schedule her for a field trial," Integra said.

Walter led a dazed Rosette out the door by the arm. "Right away ma'am."

Integra sat back down in her chair. With no desk to work at she would have to move the pile of papers to another office. "Maybe I'll just do my work on the floor from now on."

**End Rosette Christopher Interview. **


	16. Rosette Christopher Field Trial

**The Hellsing Files: Rosette Christopher Field Trial.**

Rosette Christopher sat on a bench in one of the Hellsing manor's locker rooms. She double knotted her boots and checked to see if her gun was loaded with regular ammunition. There was no sense in wasting Sacreds on dummy targets. Still, she kept a spare clip in a pouch, along with two Gospels, just in case.

The door opened and in walked a tall, leggy blond woman wearing a funny looking uniform. Rosette had always thought her clothes were slightly revealing, but this girl's skirt made her look like…a nun. "Are you ready?" Seras Victoria asked, sounding cocky.

Wondering what she had to be so cocky about Rosette narrowed her eyes into slits. "I was born ready."

Seras turned up her nose. "I'll be you were…"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rosette shouted, jumping to her feet.

"Nothing. Follow me please."

Sulking angrily, Rosette followed Seras out of the women's locker room, up some concrete stairs, down a hall and outside. The sky was overcast, the area around London hadn't seen hide nor hair of the sun in three days. It had drizzled yesterday and was threatening to do the same on this day. Rosette hoped it wouldn't rain while she took her exam. She didn't need anything hindering her performance; she absolutely needed to make a good impression. She had already been drugged once upon her arrival, The good Lord only knew what these Hellsing people had in store for her next.

She could see the task that lay before her just over Seras' shoulder. There was some sort of enclosure made from concrete, next to it some sort of scaffolding. Atop the scaffold was Sir Integra Hellsing. She had been told that she was to clear some sort of obstacle course but nothing more.

"Good day," Integra said loudly to Rosette as she stopped in front of the entrance to the enclosure. "Rosette Christopher, if that is your real name, I trust you've been briefed on what you need to do?"

"Yes. Shoot all the paper targets in that little maze over there. Simple enough," Rosette said with confidence. The smile that spread across Seras' face caused that confidence to waver slightly, along with what Integra said next.

"You'll find more than paper targets once you get to the maze's center. Nothing lethal…I shouldn't think," Integra said.

Rosette wondered if the rest of Hellsing's employees had been treated so harshly when they took this test. Rosette knew Protestants didn't get along with Catholics, but this was a bit much. "When do I start?" she asked.

"Now," Integra said.

Rosette was off and running. She kicked open the door to the first room, entered and fired. Her shots penetrated the heart and the head of the dummy vampires propped up on posts inside. She made her way down the hall and repeated the process.

The test proved to be no more difficult than the training she had received in the Magdalene Order. If anything, it was easier. Rosette found her way to the center of the maze inside of half an hour. She kicked open the door to the central room with her gun drawn. At the far end was a hallway that appeared to lead outside.

Standing off to the side of the exit was a tall man, holding a silver gun and wearing a long red coat. He grinned and ran a hand over his short, spiky blond hair. "Hi," he said happily. "You got here pretty quick."

Rosette lowered her gun. Was this man a target? They didn't seriously expect her to kill somebody here did they? "Who are you?" she asked.

"His name is Vash," a deep, smooth voice said from somewhere in the room. Rosette looked around for the source, but couldn't find it. "Vash the Stampede to be precise. Probably because he stampedes all over the status quo around here," the voice added.

Vash's face fell, reminding Rosette of a scolded puppy. "Aw, c'mon. I'm not that bad,"

"Yes, you are that bad." The shadows in the corner of the room swirled and out of them stepped another man with a silver gun wearing a red coat. He had black hair and red wide-brimmed hat to match his clothes. "I'm the one she's supposed to do battle with. Not you."

Vash now looked confused. "But Sir Integra told me to be here to test Miss Christopher," Vash said looking up to the scaffold where Integra stood.

Alucard shot Integra a confused look as Integra looked away and scratched the back of her neck. "I, uh, I guess I did tell him that…" Integra said with a cough.

"Why would you tell us both to come down here? Don't you think that's a bit much for a rookie on a field test to handle?" Alucard said, his eyebrow raised in suspicion.

"Rookie?" Rosette said. They ignored her.

"Yeah," Vash said, "And why did you call me servant? I know I work for you, but I get paid so…"

Integra had begun to walk quietly off the scaffold when Alucard's eyes widened. "You!" he shouted. "You thought he was me didn't you!"

"I have a Round Table conference to attend," Integra said walking quickly off the scaffold.

Alucard turned to Vash. "This will not stand." He turned to Rosette. "Your fight it with me human; show me what you've…"

"Hey, hey, hey," Vash said, interrupting. "I think it's pretty clear that this is my assignment." He gave Rosette a rakish wink. "Why not take a breather and let me handle the lady?"

Alucard folded his arms and glared. "She's supposed to be showcasing her vampire killing skills. I'm the only vampire here, so I think it's more appropriate that I be the one to handle this."

Rosette's eyes flickered between the two men. She wasn't sure which she would be better off fighting. The one in the hat claimed to be a vampire and had stepped out of the shadows…but the other one didn't seem concerned. "So, uh, who do I shoot?"

"Shoot me, My Lady," Vash said, bowing. "Orders are orders."

Alucard stepped in front of Vash and held his arms out. "No, you'll be shooting me, Rosette Christopher. Show me that you belong in Hellsing!"

Vash pushed Alucard aside, "No! Shoot me! Afterwards you can nurse me back to health!"

Alucard counter shoved. "Bullets don't even hurt me. You won't even need to bother with it."

Rosette frowned and tapped her foot on the ground as the two began shoving one another. She waited five seconds for them to decide who was going to be shot. When they were still fighting at the end of Rosette's patience, she removed the clip, ejected the normal shell still in the chamber and loaded it with one of her Gospels. "Oh boys," Rosette said sweetly.

"What?" they said in unison, turning their heads. The last thing they both saw that day was the light of the Gospel.

"So am I in?" Rosette asked Integra Hellsing as she sat in the empty conference room, smoking a cigar.

Integra leaned back in the large, stuffed chair at the head of the table. "You defeated both Alucard and Vash the Stampede with one bullet…you have more of those Gospels I take it?"

Rosette smiled. "The Elder still sends me stuff on the sly when I ask, so yes."

Integra took a long drag from her cigar. "Welcome to Hellsing."

**End Rosette Christopher Field Trial. **


	17. Leon S Kennedy Interview

**The Hellsing Files: **

**Leon S. Kennedy Interview**

Integra had a good feeling about Leon Kennedy as he stepped into her office and took a seat in the small wooden chair before her desk. If his résumé was anything to go by, he was an experienced police officer as well as a trusted government agent. Granted, he had been an American government agent, but that could be overlooked.

"Good day Mr. Kennedy. I hope your stay in England has been pleasant," Integra said. She had been nursing a cup of tea for the past ten minutes and took a sip of it.

"It rains a lot," Leon said, looking around Integra's office.

"Yes, I'm afraid it does. You'll get used to it. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a few questions about your desire to join this organization and your prior work history. I think there might have been a mix-up on your application," Integra said.

"Shoot," Leon said.

"So why do you want to join Hellsing? You are aware that we hunt down and exterminate vampires, correct?"

Leon smiled. "Sounds great to me. I was getting sick of zombies, mutants and weird parasite things."

Integra raised an eyebrow. "Come again?"

Leon cleared his throat. "I said I was getting tired of fighting zombies, mutants and weird parasite things. I think vampires is the next step up in my career."

Integra looked down at Leon's application where he had listed his work history. She thought that somehow, the ink from another application had bled onto the page, inflating his list. "So you're saying that you were involved in both the incidents listed here? With the zombies and then later the presidents daughter…"

"Yep," Leon said putting his hands behind his head and leaning back. "I thought the zombie infested city was as bad as it got. Guess I was wrong."

"Wow…" Integra said, strumming her fingers on her desk. "That's uh…quite a series of odd events. We'll have to do a more thorough background check, just to make sure. We get a lot of fakers trying to sign up you know."

Leon nodded. "I understand. Any more questions?"

Integra sipped her tea. "You don't happen to have any weird powers do you?"

Leon stroked his chin. "I don't think so. Is that going to be a problem?"

Integra shook her head. "No. I only ask because most of the people we've been getting in have some bizarre power, skill or ability. You're the first truly normal person I think I've interviewed so far."

Leon's face fell and he sunk in his chair slightly. "Oh."

"Something wrong?"

Leon sighed heavily. "No. I was just sort of hoping that I'd be the resident bad-ass, you know?"

"Ah. So sorry, that position is already taken," she said, smiling to herself. "Alright then; you seem like you'll be able to hold your own against vampires and such, considering what you've already faced. You'll be subjected to a field test later this week so we can see you in action. Will you be needing equipment or do you have your own?"

Leon reached behind him and pulled out an attaché case. Integra hadn't seen him carry it in. "I got everything I need right here," Leon said. "First aid spray, rocket launcher, shotgun, nine millimeter, and a magnum. Ammo too," he said smiling.

Integra eyed the small attaché case suspiciously. "You carry all of that in there?"

Leon nodded. "It's all in how you pack. You'd be surprised what you can fit into an attaché case. Hell, back in Raccoon City, I carried all of this around in a fanny pack."

Integra finished her tea. "I knew it, another freak…"

"What?"

"Nothing. We'll provide accommodations for you if you haven't got any. Just have Walter show you to your room. I'd also ask you to not make contact with any of our combat personnel."

"No problem," Leon said. "Is that it?"

Integra nodded. "Yes, you're dismissed."

Leon stood up, gave a polite nod and a smile and walked out the door. Integra sat at her desk quietly, looking at the door and around the room. Something was wrong. The interview with Kennedy had gone fine; she had asked him all she wanted to ask and was confident that he would pass the field examination. She reached into her breast pocket for her smokes and lit one up. Blowing a cloud of smoke over her desk, she frowned. What was this feeling she had in her gut?

The sound of wood splitting filled her ears and she looked down to see a crack running down the middle of her desk. Slowly, it widened and the desk caved inward for no apparent reason. "Oh, son of a bi…"

**End Kennedy Interview Tape.**


	18. Leon S Kennedy Field Test

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Leon S. Kennedy Field Trial.**

Leon S. Kennedy was standing in front of a fold out metal table topped by an attaché case. The case was filled with ammunition and firearms along with bags of crushed herbs. It was the herbs Integra was eyeing suspiciously as she looked over the contents of the case. She held her questions on them though, there were other things about the case she found more pressing. "So how exactly do you fit it all in there?" she asked.

Leon smiled confidently and pulled a RPG launcher from the small case. "It's hard to explain…are you familiar with quantum physics? Dimensional mathematics?"

Integra shook her head. "I'm afraid not."

"Good, neither am I," Leon said. "But I guess it has something to do with that."

Integra pushed her glasses up on her nose. "Solid Snake said the same thing…"

"So is this a typical indoor firing range slash obstacle course?" Leon asked.

Integra nodded and looked over to the blue concrete walls of the maze Hellsing used to field test recruits. "Essentially yes. The interior mimics a complex building layout. Your targets are only affected by head and heart shots."

"Head shots?" Leon asked.

"Yes. Vampires and ghouls can only be destroyed by either having their heads or hearts destroyed."

"Really? You mean nine shots to the chest won't put them out?"

"Nine shots? No, simply shoot them in the head or the heart. One bullet will do it if it's a clear hit."

"Great," Leon said. "This'll be easy. I always used to just plug zombies in the chest until they stopped moving. Same with weird parasite people."

Integra was now looking at the herbs in Leon's attaché case with more concern. "What's in the bags?"

Leon looked at the green herbs he had crushed into a sandwich bag. "Oh, you need some? They're hard to find but I'll let you have a bag for fifty bucks…I mean, pesos, no…pounds is it? Or have you all switched to Euros?"

"I'm sorry Mr. Kennedy but we can't have drug pushers in this organization. You can take your things and…"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Leon said, holding his hands up. "Who's selling drugs? These are medicinal herbs used for healing. You stick them on wounds."

Integra grabbed a bag of green herbs and opened it. Taking a deep whiff of the bags contents she set it back in the attaché case. "Alright, I believe you. Do they really work better than standard medical kits?"

Leon shrugged. "The only thing I know that works better is this stuff," he said producing an aerosol can from the case. "Sprays the bleeding away. It's saved my life many times."

Integra grabbed the can of first-aid spray and inspected it. It looked like no other first-aid spray she had ever seen before. "Well, hopefully you won't be needing any of this today, Mr. Kennedy."

"Right, so when can I start?"

"Go once you see me up on that scaffold over there," she said pointing to a near bye scaffold that supported and observation deck.

Leon shut his attaché case, fixed it to some spot on his person and drew his nine millimeter. When Integra was in position he plunged into the maze. Leon did as well as Integra had expected him to do. Quickly and calmly he made his way towards the center stopping to shoot targets with precision accuracy.

Integra felt a tapping on her shoulder. She turned to see Walter, her long haired, monocle sporting butler standing behind her. "Sir Penwood is on the phone my Lady. He's chattering about the HMS Regal being attacked by ghouls."

Integra raised an eyebrow. "Where's Van Winkle?"

"In her cage. Miss Victoria is trying to teach her to rap."

"Rap?"

"Yes. I'm afraid Miss Victoria has lost a few fingers in the attempt but Master Alucard assures me they will grow back," Walter said.

Integra sighed. "Send Solid Snake and Naruto to deal with whatever is on the Regal. Tell Seras to stop torturing the prisoner in that fashion and tell Sir Penwood I'm on my way."

"Right away ma'am," Walter said leaving. Integra looked back at Leon as he neared the center of the maze. She shrugged and decided she would simply review the tape later. Alucard would show Kennedy to where he needed to be, provided he didn't kill him. Lighting a cigar, she followed Walter into the mansion.

Later that evening Integra sat in her room wearing a robe. She had just gotten out of the shower twenty minutes ago and her rage had nearly dried her off. Before her, on the TV in her room, played the tape of Leon Kennedy's field trial. Everything had gone fine after she left, up until Leon's meeting with Alucard at the center of the maze.

She was now watching Alucard and Leon sitting on a bench in the center of the structure. Both were laughing riotously at Alucard's hat as he attempted to stuff it in Leon's attaché case. Leon passed Alucard a small glass pipe and a lighter when the hat wouldn't fit. Alucard took the lighter and used it to take a long toke off the pipe.

"And she believed you?" Alucard said.

Leon cackled. "Yeah. I even offered to sell her some for fifty pesos…" he said, nearly falling off the bench laughing.

"Pesos! Ha!" Alucard shouted. "You tried to sell her…sell her…" his laughter made it impossible to form the sentence.

Integra stopped the tape and shut the TV off with two angry clicks of the remote. "Don't ask, don't tell I suppose," she muttered to herself as she got ready for bed.

**End Leon S. Kennedy Field Trial. **


	19. Order:2 Naruto Gear

**The Hellsing Files: Order Two**

**Naruto Gear**

A black rubber raft powered by a tiny engine made its way over the rolling waves of a black sea towards the floating hulk know as the HMS Regal. Manning the till was a stern, faced man dressed in a black, tight fitting suit. Wearing a similarly designed, yet intensely orange, outfit was a blond haired boy peering eagerly over the bow.

The man at the aft heard a beeping in his ear. He put his hand up to it and activated the tiny transmitter inside it. "This is Snake," he said in a low voice, impossible for anyone else to hear.

"Snake, this is Integra Hellsing. Have you made visual contact with the Regal?" the voice in Snake's ear said in a female, British accent.

"Yeah," Snake said. "It's about one hundred meters from out current position."

"Make that one hundred and twenty," came another British woman's voice.

"Who's that?" Snake asked.

"That's Seras Victoria. I believe you two met at your field exam," Integra said.

Snake winced. "Oh yeah, I remember. Hair grow back okay?"

"It sure did," Seras said happily. "No hard feelings!"

Snake had been betrayed too many times to believe Seras. Likely she would try and get him back somehow, if she hadn't already. The last time a member of his support team held a secret grudge, she had infected him with an experimental virus. "No, no of course not," Snake said.

"This nanomachine communication seems to be coming in quite handy," Integra said. "How is Naruto holding up?"

Snake looked to the bow as Naruto looked back at him, flashing a large grin and a thumbs up. "Great!" Naruto shouted to Snake, hurting his ears as what he said also came over the nanomachines. Snake grimaced and corrected their course.

They were now within paddling distance of the HMS Regal. Snake cut the motor and grabbed a short oar and began rowing. Naruto followed suit. The going was tough but soon the raft was touching the Regal's hull.

"Are you there yet?" Seras asked over their nanomachines.

"Yeah, we're at the hull," Snake said.

"Alright," Integra said, "Now you use the magnetic grappling hooks. The gun you'll fire them from has a suppressing system that should make it completely silent."

Snake was already holding one of the hook launchers. "Yeah, I know. We covered this in the briefing room already," he said as Naruto picked up his own launcher and inspected it.

"Just double checking," Integra said. "Now, the control mechanism is designed after the Playstation two controller. Push the R-one button to enter the targeting mode. Hold down square and release it to fire the hook. Aim with the left analog stick."

Snake looked down at the launcher and then to Naruto who was frowning at his own launcher. "Mine's a Gamecube controller…" Naruto said. "Believe it."

"Gamecube?" Integra said. "Aren't they the same thing?"

Snake sighed loudly and pointed the launcher up at the deck and fired. There was a loud _poof_ sound as the magnetic disk flew upward, taking a rope with it. Naruto did the same as Snake, firing his own grapple launcher. Snake watched a jet of hot air shoot out the back of Naruto's launcher and burn a hole in the rubber raft. Looking down at his own feet he saw that his had done the same thing. "Climb kid!" he shouted as the raft slowly began to deflate.

As the two began to shimmy up their ropes, Naruto's feet began to glow. Naruto swung himself back and forth on the rope until he made contact with the hull. From there, he let go of the rope and began walking up the side as though he were on the ground. "A witch!" Snake shouted over the nanomachines.

"What?" Integra asked.

"That kid you sent with me, he's a witch! He's walking up the side of the ship on his feet, it…Jesus Christ!"

Integra sighed. "Relax. He's not a witch, just a magical ninja or something."

Naruto shot Snake a thumbs up and a grin. "Believe it!" he said over the nanomachines.

Snake shook his head. Why had he lost his cool like that? He had seen far stranger things than magical ninjas walking up walls. Why had it suddenly bothered him? "Yeah Snake, Believe it," said Seras.

They both reached the deck of the Regal and crouched low to the ground. It was dark and Snake was wearing black. He would blend right in with the surface of the carrier. Naruto…maybe they would think he was a traffic cone.

Snake looked around and saw that the deck was covered in blood. Someone had used the blood of the slaughtered crewmen to paint what looked to be a giant swastika on the deck. Snake could see no movement and spotted no stationary guards. "It doesn't look like anyone is on deck," he whispered to Naruto.

Naruto was scanning the deck as well. "I don't see anyone either, believe it."

"Make your way to the bridge," Integra said. "If this is anything like the botched attach on the Beagle, you'll likely find a squad of vampires implanted with the FREAK chip being led by a single vampire much more freakish than any of the others."

"Roger that," Snake said. "Naruto, make your way to the bridge by going around the starboard side, I'll take the port."

Naruto nodded and took a single step before stopping. "Uh, which side is starboard?"

Snake slapped his forehead. "It's…" he looked around for a sign somewhere on the deck indicating which side was which. Frowning, he stood facing the bow and tried to recall of starboard was to the left or not. "Just get to the bridge from this side, I'll go around."

"Shouldn't you have planned this all out beforehand?" Seras asked.

Snake and Naruto ignored her and headed towards the bridge. Snake looked back at the bright orange figure of Naruto creeping down the length of the carrier's deck towards the control tower. Snake wasted no time getting into position. He crouched and pulled out his electronic binoculars. The blackness that had been the aircraft carriers deck became an eerie green as he zoomed in on Naruto. Any moment now, the enemy would spot him and his orange jump suit. When they came out to kill him, Snake would use the distraction to sneak in and get them from behind.

Snake lowered the binoculars when he heard the gunfire. "Snake, what's happening?" Integra asked.

"They've spotted the kid. I'm moving to flank them," Snake said, running towards the structure that held the bridge.

"They've what?" Integra shouted. "Damn it Snake, don't let him die. He's insured for more money than…"

Snake ignored Integra's shouts and snuck in to the command station via a small door next to some oil drums. With the door shut behind him he looked down the lighted hall and listened. He heard no footsteps from around the corner and saw no shadow on the wall. Quietly, he made his way down the passage.

As Snake approached some dimly lit stairs he began to worry over the lack of guards. Intelligence reports said that the ship had been overrun by vampires. There weren't enough to equal the former crew in number, but there should have been enough to post at least a few guards on this end. The Naruto diversion had worked almost too well for Snake to buy it.

He ascended the stairs and went through a door. He smiled, seeing that he had reached the bridge. His smile disappeared and something deep within him told him to duck. He did so just as a large scythe blade whipped through the air above his head and bit deep into the wall. Snake rolled forward and turned, drawing his SOCOM.

Standing off to the side, struggling to free the great blade form the wall was a woman. She was pale, with short blond hair and sharp angular features. She was dressed in brown, baggy pants with a brown tank-top shirt. She ripped the blade out from the wall and turned to face Snake. The entire right side of her body was covered in bizarre tattoos; as though someone had written an extensive document down half of her body. Something was fishy about her right eye as well. "Another stowaway," said the woman. "I guessed there might be two. That idiot outside was such an obvious decoy."

Snake frowned and remembered that he was here to kill all of the vampires. No need to worry about any silly hostages or giant robots. He fired three shots at the woman and was disappointed when she deflected two with her blade and ducked the last. "Die!" she shouted, charging him.

Snake ran towards her, leaping over the blade as it came towards his midsection. As he jumped her fired two rounds at the vampire woman, hitting her in the ribs with one. Snake landed in front of the door that led downstairs. He turned and prepared to fire on her again.

The woman had destroyed a command console with her weapon and had crouched behind another, standing, console. Snake could see drops of blood on the floor and knew he had wounded her. He had to finish her quick before the other guards showed up. There was no telling how much longer they would be occupied with Naruto.

Snake was about to move across the room when the door at the far end burst open, letting dozens of enemy soldiers pour in. All were wearing black SS uniforms and all had their faces covered, save for their eyes. Worse, all had their guns trained on Snake. The woman stood up and turned to Snake, clutching her wounded side. "Looks like you lose, rat. Time to abandon ship."

**To be continued… **


	20. Order:2 Naruto Gear part 2

**The Hellsing Files: Order Two**

**Naruto Gear Part Two**

"Just who the hell are you supposed to be anyway?" Snake asked as he stared down the barrels of a few dozen assault rifles. The vampire woman was still favoring her wounded side as she glared at him angrily.

"Zorin Blitz, the Brown Insanity," she said, angrily. "Who the hell are you supposed to be?"

Snake wasn't much for introductions, but anything to buy time at this point was fine by him. "Solid Snake," he said, trying to think of a way out of this. He could fall backwards down the stairs and try to land on his feet without breaking his back, but could he do it fast enough not to be shot? "What did you do with the boy?" Snake asked, already guessing he was dead.

Zorin smiled, making her visage truly hideous to look at. "These are elite SS, shock troopers. That human traffic cone is dead," she said, grinning. "Enough talk. Shoot him!"

Snake was about to roll back down the stairs when his eye caught something strange. All of the soldiers corrected their aim, thus pointing their barrels at Zorin. She realized, almost too late, what was happening and ducked behind a console just as the soldiers in the room opened fire on her. The top of the console she ducked behind was shredded into a thousand pieces as hundreds of bullets tore through it.

Not entirely sure what was happening, Snake rolled off to the side and ducked behind another console. He heard the sound of what he thought was Zorin moving followed by what sounded like smoke bombs going off. Peering over the top of the console, he could see Zorin swinging her large scythe blade at her own soldiers. When she hit one, it would disappear into a cloud of white smoke.

"Integra!" he called into his codec, "What's happening?"

"How should I know? I can't see anything from here," Integra replied. "What _is_ happening?"

"That crazy vampire woman is hacking up her own soldiers. They all shot at her after killing Naruto," Snake said.

"Oh, don't worry about it," Integra said.

"What do you mean don't worry? Everyone on this boat has lost their mind…"

"It's one of his Naruto's ninja tricks or something, just go along with it," Integra said.

Snake sighed and quickly reloaded his SOCOM. Once again he peered over the desk and saw that Zorin had cornered the last of her renegade soldiers. The _click, click_ of the soldiers empty gung rang throughout the room as Zorin wound up to strike with her scythe.

Snake fired at the blade as she swung, the bullet hit it, knocking it slightly off course. The soldier ducked it easily and jumped off to the side where it suddenly poofed into a cloud of smoke. When the smoke cleared, Naruto stood in all his orange glory.

"Oh, I see how it is," Zorin said. "Illusions and lies is it? Have it your way." The tattoos covering half of her body began to move. Snake had to blink as the scene before him melted away and was replaced by something else. The last thing he was Naruto rushing at Zorin holding a ball of blue light in his palm.

He was standing in a large hanger. As he looked around he realized that he had been here before. It was the very same hanger that housed Metal Gear REX only there was no Metal Gear in the hanger. Instead, a Metal Gear sized Naruto was standing before him. "Hello Snake!" it said in the voice of his brother, Liquid. "Time to die!"

The giant Naruto Gear lifted one of its orange legs and brought it down in an attempt to squash Snake like an insect. It was big, but it was slow and he rolled away from the spot where the foot was going to crush him. "Integra!" he shouted into his codec. "Something's wrong, I'm hallucinating! That Zorin woman did something…"

"Her power should have worn off," Integra said. "Naruto is reporting that he defeated her."

The Naruto Gear tried for another stomp, missing Snake by inches. "What!?" Snake shouted. "Then why am I hallucinating!?"

"Um…I have a confession to make," Seras said over the codec.

"A confession?" Integra said, not sounding amused in the least.

"I uh, injected Snake with something before he left…" Seras said.

The Naruto Gear began to melt, forming into a giant Seras Victoria; it resumed trying to crush Snake, who was forced to dodge faster along with wonder what was happening. "Injected me with what!?" he shouted.

"A mild hallucinogen," Seras said.

"Why!?" Snake shouted.

"You shaved me!"

Snake recalled his filed test where he had disguised himself as Seras in order to trick Alucard. They key had been using her own hair as a wig. "Oh yeah," he said, looking up at the giant, angry Seras. "Sorry."

The Seras Gear melted and became Meryl, a woman he had met on Shadow Moses island, when he destroyed Metal Gear. The next four hours carried on in a similar fashion, with the scene changing into various places he had been with giant versions of the people in his life trying to kill him. He woke up in the medical wing of the Hellsing mansion some time later.

He awoke to see Naruto's face staring down at him. "Hey, you're awake!" he said. "I defeated that vampire but she ended up escaping, believe it."

Sake believed it. Groaning, he sat up. "Where's Seras? I've got a bone to pick with her."

"Seras…yeah," Naruto said, scratching the back of his head. "You remember that Rip Van person Potter and Elric captured?"

Snake nodded. "They kept her in a cage or something and assigned Seras to look after her."

"Right, anyway, Sir Integra punished Seras for drugging you by sending her to her room. But guess what? The spell Potter had used to shrink Rip Van wore off, so she was normal sized again. Somehow she knocked Seras out and made off with her, believe it."

Snake chuckled. "Can't say she didn't deserve it," Snake lay back down on the bed. "Who are they sending to rescue her?"

Naruto shrugged. "No one knows just yet. First they need to learn where she was taken, then pick who to send. I heard that England is being overrun by vampires and Catholics…we're short staffed."

"Well, I'm not doing it, that's for sure," Snake said. "Integra will find someone, I'm sure."

Naruto smiled and looked around. "I heard she was thinking about sending the new guy…"

"Who? Kennedy?"

Naruto shook his head. "Nope. Some guy from someplace called Los Santos."

"What does he do?"

"No one knows. I just heard about it myself from Ranma."

Snake sighed. There were too many freaks in this outfit.

**End Naruto Gear. **


	21. Carl Johnson Interview

**The Hellsing Files: **

**Carl Johnson Interview**

Integra Hellsing looked between the résumé in her hand and the black man sitting across from her, slouched low in a wooden chair, scratching his crotch and looking around the room as though she wasn't there. He was wearing blue jeans and a white tank top. His hair was short, his face beardless, and he hadn't taken off his shades despite being inside and at a job interview.

"You've got quite an impressive list of skills here Mr. Johnson. It says here you can fly a Harrier?"

Carl Johnson nodded slowly. "Yeah, easy."

Integra smiled, thinking that if nothing else, the man was amusing. "It also says you're proficient with nearly all types of sub-machine guns, RPG launchers, and assault rifles. Is that correct?"

Carl inhaled deeply through his nose. "Yeah. Like I said, easy."

"And where did you learn all of this exactly?"

Carl scratched the back of his head. "Why you gotta ask so many questions? I learned on the streets, no big thing."

"You learned to fly a Harrier and a helicopter on the streets of Los Santos?" Integra asked, dropping Carl's folder.

"Naw, I learned that from CIA buster. My bro got locked up so I had to put in some work for him or else…well you know it works."

Integra lit up one of her cigars and took a long drag. "You realize of course that you'll be expected to demonstrate all of this in a field test?"

Carl took off his glasses, revealing surprised eyes. "A test? Aw, damn, I can't be takin no tests. That shit's for marks…"

"All you have to do is run through a maze and shoot things," Integra said.

"…yeah that's alright." Carl said. "Let's go get that out of the way, I gotta be somewhere"

"I've got a few more questions for you," Integra said, blowing smoke out her nostrils. "Why do you want to be a vampire hunter?"

Carl's eyebrow shot up and he sat back in his chair. "Vampires? Say what?"

"Vampires; the living dead, fangs, blood, stakes, holy water, Bram Stoker, you know."

"You mean like Dracula and shit? Man, that's messed up. I thought vampire was code for something, like, I dunno, white folk."

Integra paused, wondering if she should even send this man onto his field trial. "No, Dracula is actually on the payroll, don't worry about him. But we do hunt vampires, not…white people."

"Oh, oh," Carl said. "Yeah, alright, vampires. Sure, I'll roll on vampires. No problem."

"Good. You're field trial will be Friday…"

"Thursday."

"I'm sorry?" Integra said, looking annoyed.

"Thursday. I can't do Friday, I got things to do."

Integra drummed her gloved fingers on the desk slowly. "Look Mr. Johnson, this isn't the sort of outfit where we decide what days are good to work and which ones are not, we…"

"Look man, why you gotta bust balls? I told you, I got other work to put in and can't be…"

"Man?"

"Yeah. Sir whatever-your-name-is, you gots to let a player play, you know what I'm sayin? You look like a pimp who knows his shit, why you gotta be crampin my…"

"You are aware that Sir is an honorific and that I'm a woman?" Integra said, angrily.

Carl stopped talking a looked at Integra. "Oh…oh, OH, I see. Yeah, sorry. This English thing is weird, you know?"

"Why exactly did you come to England in the first place?" Integra said, remembering her prior question.

As if on cue, both heard footsteps outside the door, as though a dozen or so men were running around outside. "Uh, I think that's why," Carl said, getting up out of his chair.

Before Integra could ask questions, the door burst in and a dozen black men wearing purple and white clothing burst in. "Ballas!" Carl shouted; somehow a gun had appeared in his hand.

Integra tipped over he desk and got behind it, wincing at the sound of bullets slamming into the surface as the men opened fire. Integra drew her own gun and was about to return fire when everything fell silent. She looked up to see Carl standing in the doorway among the corpses of the invading men, picking up the money they seemed to have dropped upon dying. "Friends of yours?" Integra asked, inspecting the bullet holes that riddled her desk.

Carl shot her a dirty look. "The Ballas? Hells no. They aint nothin but busters…"

"Alright, Friday it is," Integra said, realizing that he had killed a dozen people on his own. "Don't be late."

"Yeah, yeah," Carl said, stuffing bills into his pocket and stepping over the bodies of the dead gangsters.

**End Carl Johnson Interview**


	22. Carl Johnson Field Trial

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Carl Johnson Field Trial**

The man calling himself Carl Johnson walked towards Integra Hellsing with a swagger. Behind him in a cloud of dust was the maze/shooting range Hellsing had been using to test the combat skills of new recruits. It had only been a week since Carl, CJ as he liked to be called, had been interviewed. In that time he had grown out his beard, dyed his hair blond and gained fifty pounds. He was also wearing an expensive set of designer clothes and enough gold jewelry to feed a small African nation for a year.

The wind blew, clearing away the dust. Amongst it was the unconscious form of the vampire Alucard, a wooden stake had pierced his chest. Also buried amongst the rumble was a battered Seras Victoria; her cannon, stuck someplace the sun would never shine. Just as battered only slightly less buried, was a Walter C. Dornez. "What ya'll think o' that?" CJ said to Integra Hellsing as she stood at the foot of a scaffold, holding a piece of paper.

"I'm impressed," Integra said. "You managed to defeat most of my staff, lay waste to the training ground in record time AND you rescued Seras from Millennium seemingly by accident all before your first field trial. You truly are something else."

"Thanks," CJ said. "So I got the job I take it?"

"No."

"Say what!?" CJ shouted. "How did I not get the job?"

Integra held up the piece of paper. "The fans sent this letter. It seems that you're a black stereotype and none of them like you nor do they seem to feel that you belong in this fandom."

CJ's jaw dropped. "What!? Ya'll gotta be ing me! That's some serious bull," CJ shouted. "Harry Potter! Harry ing Potter is up in here and I Don't belong? Get real."

"I'm sorry Mr. Johnson, you're too black for anime fans to handle," Integra said. "It doesn't matter how talented you are or what depth you may feel you have, you'll always be a stereotype…"

"Stereotype!? The hell? There's REAL people out there who act worse than I do…REAL people man!"  
Integra shook her head and frowned. "Sorry. If you were white and something called a _bishounen_ you'd be acceptable. As it is you're not "bishie", as the kids say, and you're simply not Japanese or English enough to belong here. I can't hire you."

CJ began looking around as though there were an audience in which he could share his exasperation with. He looked back at Integra. "Aw, this is bull. Affirmative action ya'll!"

Integra shook her head again. "We don't do that here in England. You're not bishie, you're not kawaii, you're not anime, you're not Japanese and you're not cool. Go home. San Andreas isn't even a real state."

CJ hung his head and began to skulk off. "All I wanted was to kill Nazis…can't a brother kill some Nazis?"

"No," Integra said. "Only pretty-boy bishies from Japan can kill Nazis."

CJ stopped and picked his head up. "Say…you want some coffee before I leave?"

"No. We only drink tea here in England. No coffee…ever."

"Dang," CJ said as he walked off into the sunset.

**End Carl Johnson Field Trial**


	23. The Millennium Files

**The Millennium Files**

The Major sat in his favorite chair with his legs crossed, looking at a projection on a screen. The man everyone called Doc was behind him with his hand on a button that would change the picture when he clicked it. The pictures Doc had been showing him were technically bad news, but the Major only smiled.

"So you see," Doc said. "While the Valentine brothers did succeed in annihilating most of Hellsing, the new recruits are vastly superior to the former."

Doc clicked the button showing two men, one dressed in bright orange and the other in midnight black, making short work of Nazi soldiers on the deck of an aircraft carrier. "This is good news," the Major said. "Very good news indeed. Alucard, Seras, Integra and that butler are very powerful opponents but they are only four. With this many powerful enemies we can have a truly marvelous war, don't you think Captain?"

The man the question had been directed at, stood silently in the corner of the room, looking intensely at the projector screen. His eyes flicked to the Major and back to the screen again.

"My thoughts exactly, Captain," the Major said. "A marvelous war will have."

Doc coughed and adjusted his bizarre, multi-lens glasses. "Marvelous it will be, but short. If I calculate things correctly, the Werewolves, plus the Last Battalion, won't hold out for long against the four you mentioned as well as the rest."

The Major nodded and rubbed his fat chin. "Ah, yes, I see your point Doc. What you're saying is that we need to bolster our forces as well then, yes?"

Doc nodded. "Ja, I think that would be prudent, sir."

"Very well then. Tell Warrant Officer Schrödinger that he has work to do. I will have prepared for him a list of people he must go meet and recruit. Hellsing isn't the only military organization that can recruit outside of its fandom."

Doc saluted the Major, although he did not seem enthused about having to talk to Schrödinger. "Yes, sir. Right away." He turned on his heel and left the room.

"As for you, Captain Gunche, I think you should prepare a list of questions to ask out prospective candidates," the Major said.

The Captain saluted the Major and left the room through the door Doc had gone. The Major sat back in his chair, causing it to creak painfully. He put his finger tips together and studied the picture that was now up on the screen. It was a group photo of the current Hellsing operatives, all in brand new Hellsing uniforms. The Major tried to imagine the chaos that would ensue when they fought with Millennium head on, and could not. The thought disturbed him a little, but he knew that he would see it soon enough.

A shirtless man with long blond hair and a five o' clock shadow sat across from the Major as he sat at his desk, eating what looked to be a chicken dinner. The Captain stood at his side, while Doc read off the man's résumé. "Impressive," the Major said, swallowing a bite of chicken as Doc finished. "Fox-Hound commander, not an easy job to hold I would think."

The man called Liquid Snake frowned and looked at the floor. "No, no it wasn't," he said in a possibly British accent. "If it hadn't been for my brother…"

"Yes, your twin brother Solid Snake. Doc here has an interest in twins, right Doc?" the Major said.

Doc nodded. "Ja, they make good test subjects for genetic experiments."

Liquid snorted derisively. "I've had enough genetic experiments for one life time, thank you," he said. "Look, I'm a card carrying super soldier, I hate Solid Snake, I love war, I have a giant robot pilot's license…just hire me."

The Major smiled. "Fine, but you'll have to wear a shirt."

"I'll wear a trench coat, no shirt."

The Major looked Liquid in the eye, sizing him up. "Deal. Next."

"Where's Ryoga Hibiki, he's late," The Major said, looking at the clock on the wall.

"He called an hour ago and said he was lost. We gave him directions but…that was the third time he called and had received directions," Doc said, flipping through the papers on his clipboard.

The Major shrugged and took a bite out of a turkey leg. "Forget him. Send in the next one."

"That will be all, Mr. Voldemort," the Major said sternly to the pale, bald, nose-less man with red snake-like eyes.

"LORD Voldemort!" the man shouted, standing up and drawing his wand. A loud _bang _filled the room and a red blot appeared on Voldemort's head and he fell backwards, dead on the floor. The Captain holstered his long, smoking gun and said nothing.

The Major rubbed his temples and removed his glasses. "That's the third time today we've had to do that," the Major said, sounding annoyed. "I thought that Orochimaru person would have been the last."

Doc coughed. "I'm afraid villains are a willful sort. So far, we've only got Liquid Snake, a zombie the Umbrella corporation mailed us, and that sad looking child who came in with Orochimaru. I'm afraid villains who will take orders are hard to come by."

The Major nodded. "Indeed. Who else is on the contact list?"

Doc sighed. "Darth Vader, Cobra Commander, Megatron, Emperor Zombie, Dick Cheney, and someone named Frieza. I think we'd be wasting our time interviewing them. They'll either want officer positions or they'll want to be in charge of the whole operation."

The Major sighed. "Send them away Doc, you're right. They're just not soldier material."

Doc left the room, leaving the Major to stare forlornly at his turkey. He took a few more bites and sighed. "What do you think Captain? Can we stand up to Hellsing's newfound power base?"

The Captain remained at attention next to the Major and said nothing.

"We have the Werewolves, that is true, but both Zorin and Rip have been made fools of already. I want this war more than anything, but if we are to be destroyed before I can enjoy it…that will not do. We must think of a solution."

The Captain looked down at the Major, his expression unchanging and silent. The Major returned his gaze and nodded. "You're right…you're absolutely correct Captain. That will work beautifully. You should give Doc a few pointers on troubleshooting sometime."

The Major bit off another hunk of meat and stood up. "Come Captain, we have work to do."

**To be continued…**


	24. The Millennium Files part 2

**The Millennium Files**

**Part Two**

Integra Hellsing considered going for her gun when she finally put down the folder and saw who was sitting across from her.

It was that fat major, and what looked to be half of the Millennium group, the one that had been trying to annihilate Hellsing, along with Britain, for the past month. The Major had seated himself in the chair before her desk. To his left, was the man everyone called the Captain. Behind them were Zorin Blitz, Rip Van Winkle, and that Schrödinger person.

Integra stealthily unbuttoned the holster on her pistol, in case she did end up needing to use it. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

The Major smiled and leaned back in the chair, causing it to creak. "We're her for our interview," the Major said, his thick German accent giving Integra the willies.

Integra opened the folder she had been about to examine. Sure enough, it held the résumés of the people standing in her office. "What is the meaning of this?" Integra asked angrily. "How the hell did you get in her anyway?"

"Relax, Sir Hellsing," the Major said. "We're nothing more than German immigrants looking for work. All that damage you and your operatives have caused Millennium has caused it to go bankrupt. We've got bills to pay, and this is the only way to pay them."

Integra let the folder fall onto her desk. She closed her eyes and rubbed them vigorously. This was not happening. It couldn't be happening. She had finally worked herself to the point of insanity; there was no way these people seriously wanted to work at Hellsing.

"Just for the sake of an argument, I'm going to pretend you're not all hallucinations," Integra said, reaching for a cigar, but suddenly deciding she needed to cut back on the stimulants. "What makes you think I'd hire the likes of you anyway? Aside from the fact that you're all Nazis, you've carried out numerous attacks on this organization and England as a whole. I have no reason to trust you, and to be perfectly honest, with you on our payroll we'll have no one left to kill."

The Major folded his hands, while the gruesome company he kept looked around the room, bored. "I would submit that Alucard has the same credentials," the Major said. "Once he was a horrible monster who sought to do harm to England and those of the Hellsing family, along with their friends. He is also a vampire, and if it hadn't been for him, Hellsing would not exist. Why keep him around and not hire us?"

This time, Integra stuck the cigar in her mouth and lit it. She needed something to take the edge off this…situation. "I'm not hiring you," she said, puffing on her cigar. "In fact, I think I'm call Walter on the intercom and have everyone of my soldiers rush up here and kill you."

Integra's finger was over the button when the Major muttered "Racist."

"What?" she said, looking at him sternly.

"Oh, nothing," the Major said. "I'm just not surprised that we're not getting jobs. I should have guessed it, after hearing about what happened to poor, Carl Johnson."

The Captain, along with the rest of the Werewolf division of Millennium, began making forlorn faces at one another, presumably in the memory of the great human rights crusader, Carl Johnson. Schrödinger was having a hard time keeping a straight face.

"I, but…what, no…he," Integra began sputtering. "I didn't fire him because…"

"He was black!" The Major shouted, suddenly. "And now we're being sent off because we're German. Nazis, as you eloquently put it. Are ALL German's Nazis, Sir Integra? Is that what you think?" Righteous, burning anger was flaring in the Major's eyes as he spoke.

"This is ridiculous," Integra said, holding the button in her intercom.

"Just because we're German, and just because we wear the Nazi emblem on our sleeves, doesn't mean…"

"ALUCARD!" Integra shouted at the top of her lungs, causing the Werewolves to back up a step.

The expression on the Major's face was frozen. "Run!" he shouted.

Integra had never seen a group of people, or monsters, move so fast in her life. Surprisingly, the Major was first to the door, shoving Zorin and Rip out of his way, his coat tails flapping behind him.

By the time Alucard materialized in the room, they had gone. Alucard looked at the fallen chair, and the haggard expression on Integra's face. "So, she needs me after all," he said to Integra. "Are you sure you don't me to go get Vash the Stampede? Or maybe on of those ninjas…the orange one perhaps?"

Integra blew cigar smoke out of her nostrils at him. "The Millennium high command was just in here…they wanted jobs."

Alucard stroked his chin thoughtfully. "You haven't bought any cigars off that Kennedy fellow by any chance?"

Integra shook her head. "No."

"I see. Why don't you lie down for a few hours? Maybe hire a secretary next time, instead of a trained killer."

Integra nodded, looking at the overturned chair where the Major had sat. "I think I'll do just that," she said. "Thanks for coming so quickly."

"You will is my desire," Alucard said, disappearing.

Integra put out her cigar and made her way to the door, not noticing the bomb the Major had taped to the desk. When it exploded, turning the desk into splinters, Integra didn't bother turning around; she needed a nap.

**End Millennium Files.**


	25. The Iscariot Files

**The Iscariot Files:**

**The Passion of Father Anderson**

Nicholas D. Wolfwood was smoking a cigarette and watching, through dark sunglasses, a travesty unfold. He was standing in the middle of a field that had a dirt path around it for jogging purposes. Scattered around the filed itself, was an obstacle course designed to test only the most rugged of athletes.

Standing on one of the corners was Father Alexander Anderson. He was glaring at a stopwatch as a runner passed him bye. The runner was a skinny, Japanese school girl wearing a black track uniform. Her long, brown hair had been tied back into a pony-tail. She was breathing heavily, sweat was pouring down her face and she looked as though she might collapse at any moment.

Just watching Anderson put the poor girl through her paces was making Wolfwood tired. He had no idea who the girl was or where she had come from. He tried not to ask Anderson questions when he could help it, but curiosity had finally overcome him. Shouldering the large crucifix wrapped in linen that he carried everywhere, Wolfwood walked over to Anderson just as the girl came around again.

"Alright, I'll bite. Who is she?" Wolfwood asked.

Anderson ignored him to shout at the girl. "You're too slow! Stop slacking and pick up the pace. I know you've got it in you." His thick, Irish accent lent a certain harshness to his tone. The girl, seemingly in her own little world, jogged past him.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say that's a Japanese schoolgirl you've got there. What would you be doing with a Japanese schoolgirl, Anderson?"

Anderson crossed his arms and faced Wolfwood. "I'm doing what Maxwell assigned me to do, what he assigned both of us to do. Bolstering Iscariots ranks."

Wolfwood raised an eyebrow. A few weeks ago, Enrico Maxwell, head of the Iscariot organization, had ordered them to find people of talent and faith (in that order) to join Iscariot. The idea had been to combat the Hellsing organizations growing cadre of freaks. So far, they had been having little success.

"Hellsing has people like Vash the Stampede and Naruto Uza…whatever. Who's she supposed to be?" Wolfwood asked.

"That's Tohru Honda. A schoolgirl from Japan," Anderson said, as though that explained it.

"What does she do?"

"I don't know yet. I'm training her to be my apprentice. Things aren't going so great, but if my Asian cultural studies are any indication, she'll shape up when the time comes."

Wolfwood blinked and removed his sunglasses as Tohru passed bye again. "Say what?"

Anderson sighed, annoyed at both the stopwatch and Wolfwood's questions. "She's a Japanese school girl. Even if she doesn't display anything special in training, she'll shine through in battle."

"So…she's just a schoolgirl then? No powers?"

Anderson looked at Wolfwood as though he were stupid. "I said she's a Japanese schoolgirl, of course she has powers. If not, then deep down, she's an expert martial artist."

Wolfwood's mouth hung open as if to say something, but the words wouldn't come. Part of him knew Anderson had a point; a large majority of Asian schoolgirls were capable of fending off alien invasions and the like, but something about the one running out on the track seemed…normal. _Is it possible that he press ganged the one Japanese school girl with no magical powers or martial arts skills? If anyone could do such a thing, it's Anderson, _Wolfwood thought.

Anderson sighed and walked past Wolfwood. Tohru had collapsed at the far end of the track. "Not again," Anderson muttered as Wolfwood followed. "Not to worry, Wolfwood. The harder they are in training, the better they are in battle. Happens every time."

Tohru had sprawled out face first in the dirt and was unconscious. Anderson scooped her up in his arms and carried off to a tent that had been set up to treat various exercise maladies, such as exhaustion and heat stoke. He set the girl down on a foldout table while a bored looking medic got up to attend Tohru.

Wolfwood replaced the broken cigarette in his mouth with a new one and shook his head slowly. "You're going to send her at something weak first, right? Just in case she turns out to be a normal girl."

Anderson shook his head. "No. I had thought about it, but then I decided that it was best not to mess around. If Hellsing hears about her slaying vampires, they'll be ready for her. My plan is to train her, and then send her at that Alucard straight away."

Wolfwood looked at the girl, the eyelids covering her large eyes were fluttering as she slowly regained consciousness. The medic who had put an ice pack on her head had gone back to reading a copy of Nun Monthly and was sipping some tea. "Of course you'll call me when you take the girl to get killed, right?" Wolfwood said as he turned to leave.

Anderson didn't respond, he merely glared at Wolfwood. Knowing that was about all they had to say to one another, Wolfwood left, hoping he might be able to at least give the girl her last rites, if not save her from Alucard or some other horrid Hellsing minion altogether.

**To be continued…**


	26. The Iscariot Files part 2

**The Iscariot Files:**

**Casting the First Stone Since **

The stench of war filled Alucard's nostrils. The old castle was on fire, scientists were running and screaming and he had only shot his way through half of the ghouls and freaks. He stopped as a scientist in a white flaming coat ran towards him. Sticking his foot out, he tripped the scientist and shot him in the back of the head on his way down.

He was supposed to be letting them live so they could be captured and interrogated but he had been sent on so few missions as of late, he was determined to have some fun with the nasty little humans. It served them right for manufacturing sub-standard vampires.

Alucard's face lit up with a hideous grin when he saw the light of the fire glint off a pair of bayonets as they stuck out from behind a corner in the stone corridor he was standing in. It was just like invading a castle in the old days. The place was on fire, people were screaming and here was a gallant warrior come to face him. His favorite warrior no less, Alexander Anderson.

Alucard's disappointment was only exceeded by his confusion when Tohru Honda stepped into view. She looked tired above all things and was dressed in an ill-fitting overcoat along with priestly robes. The large cross dangling around her neck looked extremely out of place on her.

Slowly, she raised her bayonets into the sign of the cross. "We are God's representatives, agents of Divine Punishment…" she said wearily. "Our mission is to destroy…oh…how did the rest of it go?"

Tohru looked confused as her large eyes darted back and forth while she searched her memory. Alucard opened his mouth to say something but couldn't think of what to say next any better than Tohru could.

A loud whisper with a pronounced Irish accent echoed through the corridor. "Down to the last bit those who would oppose our God," it said.

"O-oh, yeah," Tohru said, remembering. "Down to the last bit those who would oppose our God!" Tohru shouted as though to make up for forgetting. "Err…which God is that?" Tohru whispered out of the corner of her mouth.

There was loud grumbling from around the corridor and Alucard thought he heard the voice say "Oh just shut up and kill the vampire…you heathen." Tohru nodded, clearly unsure of herself.

"D-die vampire," she said meekly and began running at Alucard.

Alucard saw the very real danger that he might die from laughter. _If you start, you'll never stop, so don't laugh. Not one bit,_ he thought as he punched through his lip with a fang. Pain didn't mean much to him, but it was better than nothing.

Alucard stood still as Tohru stopped in front him. She looked at her bayonets and then up at him. Slowly she placed the tip of a bayonet on his chest and closed her eyes. He felt the pressure from the tip a little, but clearly the girl's heart was not in this. Instantly Alucard knew she could no more stab someone than she could fly.

"Who are you?" Alucard asked, sounding bored.

"My name is Tohru," she said. "Tohru Honda…"

"And I take it you're supposed to be with Iscariot. The Catholic hit-men?"

Tohru was now just idly poking Alucard with the bayonet while the other hung limp at her side. "I guess so…" Tohru said. "I don't see why you're all fighting. Can't you talk about this?"

Alucard felt his skin crawl. "Talk? About what?"

Tohru cast a glance behind her. The flames could be heard breaking windows in other parts of the castle and smoke was beginning to crawl along the ceiling. "Mr. Anderson says you're an abomination against God, but…I'm sure you didn't want to become a vampire. You only shoot people because you have to. If you two would just talk, you could figure something out."

Alucard thought he heard gagging sounds come from behind Tohru; a sentiment he whole-heartedly agreed with. "Actually I told God off one day many years ago, so I am an abomination. I also happen to love shooting people," Alucard said.

"You can't mean that," Tohru said, looking up at him with wide, blue, dinner plate eyes. "No one wants to go through life fighting all the time."

"The hell we don't!" Anderson shouted as he jumped out from behind the corner, wielding his bayonets. "Murdering demons and heathens is fun! Blast it, Honda, you just don't get it. Wolfwood!"

Nicholas D. Wolfwood stepped out from behind Anderson with the air of a vindicated parent. "If you ask me, she's more Christian than either of you," Wolfwood said. "And seeing as how she's a Buddhist…I think…that's sad."

Wolfwood walked up to Tohru and took her by the arm. "Come on. We'll have you on a plane back to Japan where you belong in no time."

"But what about them? Are you going to let them fight?" Tohru said, looking back at Alucard and Anderson as they rushed at one another.

"If we're lucky, they'll kill each other," Wolfwood said. "Neither one of them is playing with a full deck."

"But…" Tohru wasn't able to finish. A bullet whizzed between them making Wolfwood scoop Tohru up in his arms and run off.

"I've got a serious question for you," Wolfwood said as he ran.

"What?" Tohru said.

"Do you really not have _any_ powers?"

**End Iscariot Files.**


	27. Lobo Interview

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Lobo Interview.**

Despite the fact that there were bullet holes and blood stains on his résumé, Integra thought Lobo had promise. He claimed to be from outer-space; his appearance being all the proof she needed. He was abnormally large with white skin, black markings on his face and pupil-less red eyes. Otherwise, he looked like a member of the Hells Angels; big boots, a chain wrapped around his right arm, wild black hair and a leather vest.

Integra cleared her throat. Lobo was sitting cross-legged in a chair and looking impatient. "It says on your résumé you enjoy, and I quote, 'cigars, motorcycles and… fragging bastiches. Would you care to elaborate on that last bit?"

Lobo shrugged. "My high school guidance councilor suggested it after I fragged him. It's been a long and fulfilling career," Lobo said, his voice sounding like he looked.

"I'm not clear on what you mean by Fra…"

Lobo drew a large gun from somewhere on his person and promptly shot a large hole through Integra's desk before she could finish. "See? Fragged. Look it up in the dictionary and there's a picture o' me."

_Well, that was fast,_ Integra thought, looking at her ruined desk and wondering where Lobo was hiding the gun. "Please don't shoot things in my office, Mr. Lobo," Integra said sternly. "You'll have the chance to prove your combat abilities in the second part of the interview."

Lobo pulled a large cigar out of his vest pocket and lit it. "Yeah, can't we just get to that, say about nowish? I got booze to drink."

"Do you drink often?" Integra asked.

Lobo reached into his boot and pulled out a fifth of Jack Daniels. He bit the top of the bottle off and drained it completely. "Not as much as I used to," Lobo said, throwing the bottle across the room, shattering it against the wall.

Integra yawned. A few weeks ago, this sort of behavior would have annoyed her. "I guess it's not a problem," she said, lighting a cigar of her own. "So why do you want to hunt vampires? It's not a profession even professional…fraggers, usually consider."

Lobo scratched his head and looked puzzled. "I need a reason? Vampires is dweebs like everyone else. This here's a paid gig with a steady paycheck, am I wrong?"

"No. You get free bed and board, and a check once a week plus benefits. I hope you're not just doing it for the money? Vampires are some of the most dangerous creatures on earth."

"Earth shmearth. Earth dweebs, vampires, whatever. It ain't nothin'."

Integra held up his résumé and peered at it, trying to decipher the words through the smudges, holes and blood. "It says here you were killed and resurrected, due to being an insufferable nuisance in the after-life. I trust you'll behave yourself around here?"

Lobo shrugged. "Maybe. Depends on how many other three-eyed, string waving, British geeks you got hanging around whining about manners."

"I see you've met Walter," Integra said. "Who's blood is this on the paper?"

Lobo rubbed his chin and seemed to think. "I ain't sure. After I hit the butler, some jerk in a red coat started yappin' about love and peace, so I hit him with a kid dressed like a pumpkin. Maybe it splattered offa one of them. I dunno, I don't remember much after the nun shot me."

Integra sighed. "Was anyone permanently injured?"

Lobo laughed. "I'd guess yeah maybe. The way they bounced offa them fancy statues and paintings…ha!"

Integra took a long puff off her cigar. On a whim, she pushed the button on the intercom sitting on her desk. "Walter, come in Walter. What's your status?"

"This is Snake," came Solid Snake's voice over the intercom. "Walter's not responding. Some kind of…monster came in through the front door, said something about an application…all hell broke lose…Vash is…my eye, can't see…crab battle…" Snake said, static punctuating his report.

Integra looked calmly at the thing sitting across from her. It had defeated nearly her entire staff in the process of applying for a job. A plan began to form in the back of Integra's mind.

"I got a question," Lobo said, looking at Integra in a manner she didn't care for. "Are you a dame?"

"A dame?"

"Yeah. A broad. A member of the female persuasion. You seem like you might be a chic, but with the Sir in your name and the hard-ass thing you got goin on, I got to wodnerin. I wasn't gonna say nothin, but I ain't got nowhere to be later tonight and…"

Integra stamped her cigar out hard, her plan finally coming together in her mind. "I've just remembered, Hellsing is no longer accepting any more applicants, however a similar group I happen to know of, is."

"Eh? They pay?"

"Oh my, yes," Integra said, smiling. "They're called Millennium. Here's their card," Integra handed Lobo a small, white card with a phone number on it. "Call the number on that card and to speak to the Major. Tell them you like war and they'll hire you."

Lobo examined the card. "Millennium eh? Sounds like some comet chasing, Kool-aid drinking, fruit club ta me…"

"I can assure you, they're on the level…_a_ level anyway."

Lobo stuck the number in his pocket and stood. He stretched his arms up over his head and yawned. "Right, thanks. Maybe I'll check these dweebs out…tell what's left of your boys in the lobby that I've had better fights from bowel movements."

Instead of using the door, Lobo walked around past Integra's desk and leapt out the window, shattering it. Integra let Lobo's application fall into the garbage and chuckled. "That fat Major had better hope he had one hell of a Human Services Director."

**To be continued…**


	28. Lobo Field Trial

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Lobo "Field Trial"**

The man some called the Fat Major was making small talk with another man who looked suspiciously like a lawyer. The lawyer, a Jewish man, had initially had some reservations about working for Nazis, and so the Major had taken steps to reassure him.

"I've heard of civil war re-enactors…but World War Two?" The lawyer switched his briefcase from one hand to another, something he did when he was nervous.

The Major laughed politely and took a bite off a sausage he held with a fork. "It sounds crazy, yes, but we Germans have a love of history that is unrivaled amongst other nations."

The lawyer looked unsure. "I always thought the Germans hated talking about…"

"Major, you twelve o' clock is here," said a vampire Nazi corporal who had poked his head in through the office door.

"Ah," the Major said loudly, patting the lawyer on the back. "We will speak another time. And if thoughts of history plague you again, just think about how this upcoming, sure-to-be-landmark, civil rights case will make you ric…er, famous. Good day."

The lawyer walked nervously past the corporal and gasped slightly at the man standing in the other room awaiting his appointment with the Major.

"Outta my way, dweeb," Lobo said, shoving the lawyer to the side. The corporal turned and put his hand up.

"Halt. You have to be…" The corporal was interrupted by Lobo tearing his lower jaw off and ramming it through his eye sockets. The corporal stumbled backward and fell.

Unperturbed, the Major finished off his sausage and threw the fork on the corpse of the corporal. "Mr. Lobo I presume? What brings you to Brazil to join the Last Battalion?"

"Last Battalion?" Lobo said with a snarl. "Aw, Feetalgizz, I'm in the wrong spot. Stupid dame gave be bum directions….Hey, Fatty! Where's 'the Millennium Organization?'"

The Major smiled, seemingly pleased at Lobo's poor manners. "The directions you received are correct. The Last Battalion and Millennium are one in the same."

Lobo cocked an eyebrow. "Then what's with all the Swastikas? You bastiches ain't Nazis are ya? I'm a bad guy, but even I've got my limits, bub."

The Major sighed and feigned tired sadness. "Like I was telling Mr. Wrightstein before you arrived, we're World War Two re-enactors."

"I quit," Lobo said. "There's geeks and then there's geeks…"

"I don't think you understand, Mr. Lobo," the Major said, causing Lobo to stop before he walked out the door. "We are World War Two _re-enactors._"

"You're _dweebs,_" Lobo said, continuing his exit.

"As in, we intend to re-enact World War Two…for real."

Lobo turned and began unraveling the hooked chain he kept wrapped around his wrist at all times. "For real huh? Listen ya anti-Semitic bastich, I…"

"Not the holocaust part, just the war," the Major said, holding his hand up and smiling disarmingly. "You don't want to blow up Englishmen?"

"Those geeks with the top hats who are always drinkin' tea? Of course I want to blow them up. When do we start?"

"Soon, but we must be patient. Why don't I introduce you to the other Werewolves?"

Lobo looked unsure and more than a little impatient. The Major led Lobo through the secret vampire Nazi complex while the space-biker-bounty hunter asked him questions about pay, work hours and what manner of booze they had in stock.

The Werewolves, only one of which was an actual werewolf, had assembled outside in front of a shooting range where other vampire Nazis were practicing shooting people.

"Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mr. Lobo. Our newest member. Unlike the other villainous characters we attempted to recruit before, Mr. Lobo isn't a "main bad-guy", if you will. Because he's more of a sideshow, he won't have as much of an ego…"

"What?" Lobo said, flatly.

"I was telling the them how you're much better than the other candidates we interviewed a few weeks ago. You'll take orders like a good soldier. Unlike that dreadful Hannibal Lecter and megalomaniacal Darth Vader."

Lobo did not look amused. "Did I hear you say sideshow?"

The Major coughed. The Werewolves all began slowly moving towards Lobo and the Major, seeking to get between the two. "I merely mean that…"

"Listen geek," Lobo said, pointing a large white finger at the Major. "I don't know who you're calling a sideshow. I have my own comic too ya know, which is more than you Shonen manga rejects can say…"

A day or so later, Integra was doing her best to conceal her amusement from Walter and Seras. "I told you I wasn't crazy, Walter," Integra said, rewinding the audio tape the bug she had secretly planted on Lobo had recorded. It would appear that insinuating that the Werewolves are cheap, Shonen manga villains is a sore spot for them."

"Sometimes I think they really do belong in Bleach or One Piece," Walter said, scratching absently at his arm cast.

"They've even got gimmicky attacks," Seras mused, fiddling with the breaks on her wheelchair. "Do we know how badly he injured them?"

Integra laughed. "Judging by the looks of you all and the screams on the tape, I'd say Millennium has received a serious setback in personnel."

Walter's normally placid features darkened. "Let us just hope he leaves the planet and never comes back."

Integra's laughter slowly died off. "The only thing that has me worried is that lawyer business we overheard. They're up to something…"

"That horrible Lobo probably killed the lawyer," Seras said. "Let's just be glad he's gone."

"Indeed," Integra said, lighting a cigar and thinking.

**End Lobo Field Trial.**


	29. Ham Sandwich Interview

**The Hellsing Files.**

**Ham Sandwich Interview.**

Integra liked the new candidate. He possessed something that no other agent of the Hellsing organization had: Mayonnaise. The good stuff too, not that store-bought garbage. What was even better was that it could also have mustard of equal quality if she so desired.

It was sitting on the chair in front of her desk, getting crumbs on the seat. Integra decided to overlook the breach of etiquette; it was, after all, a ham sandwich. What did she expect from it?

"You've all but got the job," Integra said. "But we still must conduct this interview. It's a necessary formality I'm afraid. You understand of course?"

The sandwich made no reply. The angle in which it sat on the seat, showing off not only the fine grain of the bread, the layers of ham, but the delicious mayonnaise in between, said enough. Integra also thought she detected a bit of cheese.

"Good, good," she said, taking out the sandwiches résumé. "Why do you want to hunt vampires? Ah, to protect Queen and Country, of course. Why did you leave your last job? People trying to eat you…you might also encounter that problem here. Vampires are ravenous beings, you know."

The sandwich clearly had good reasons for joining Hellsing. It certainly wasn't a Millennium or Vatican spy. Integra mentally calculated what it would cost to equip the sandwich with a plate. They could easily afford that much, but a tray with some tea might take a bit of asking. Parliament was stingy when it came to secret vampire hunting organizations.

"You know we have an awful lot of rank and file soldiers," Integra said. "All of them have unique powers and talents, but no clear leadership. Most are loners or rebels and few have the qualities that make a good leader. You on the other hand…I think I see a command position on your future."

It was true, Hellsing was short on commanders. Solid Snake had showed his ability to keep his head in battle and issue orders with military precision, but he was a loner and not used to having other people to worry about. Vash and Leon seemed to also have the ability to lead, but few took them seriously. Vash was too silly and people were always ignoring Leon to go off by themselves and find escape routes from ghoul invested cities and secret, underground, factories. The ham sandwich could be just what the team needed.

"Alright, I think that will do," Integra said, laying the sandwich's résumé on her desk. "There will be an obligatory field trial. You'll be required to traverse a sort of obstacle course. You'll run through a maze and shoot targets, with a special challenge waiting for you at the end. All fairly routine for you, I'm certain."

The ham sandwich said nothing. Instead, it smelled delicious. _Finally,_ Integra thought. _A competent commander. And who knows? The Hellsing family needs an heir…and he didn't even break my desk._

**End Ham Sandwich Interview. **


	30. Ham Sandwich Field Trial

**The Hellsing Files.**

**Ham Sandwich Field Trial.**

The ham sandwich sat on a stool in front of the Hellsing proving ground. Integra had managed to procure it a plate and Walter was busy allocating funds for a tray and some tea. The entirety of the Hellsing staff had come out to view the sandwiches field test, much to Integra's delight. Perhaps now they would see a real soldier in action. The looks on their faces showed that they were clearly in awe of the new recruit. Integra hoped they would all grow to respect it as a commander in due time.

"Alright. You claim you don't need a weapon and I believe you. I hope you're not just showing off," Integra said to the sandwich through her bullhorn as she stood on the scaffold overlooking the training ground. "As you already know, your goal is to run through the maze, shoot the targets in the head or in the heart, and face the challenge awaiting you at the center. Begin when ready."

The sandwich didn't move. It wasn't about to charge into a maze filled with enemies. A good soldier knew when to disobey suicidal orders…Integra smiled in admiration.

The other members of Hellsing all looked between the sandwich and Integra in awe. _Clearly,_ Integra thought,_ they've rarely seen two great commanders in such close proximity. The last time must have been right after World War Two._ Integra turned her attention back to the sandwich. Clearly it was waiting for its enemies to tire of waiting and come to it. They would funnel through the door one bye one and their numbers would count for nothing."Genius," Integra whispered.

Solid strategy or not, the dummy targets would never move. The only one that would was the one in the center. "Cut off the head vampire and the others will follow suite," Integra said to herself. "It's what I would do."

After an hour, a few of the Hellsing agents began to walk away, shaking their heads, most likely in the dismal realization that they were nothing compared to the sandwich. Integra mentally jotted their names down. Ranma, Naruto, Potter…children really. Perhaps it wasn't fair to compare them to such a sandwich.

A black pool appeared before the sandwich. Up from its inky depths rose the terrifying figure of Alucard. Integra smiled. The sandwich's trap had been sprung. The vampire had come out of hiding. "What is the meaning of this?" Alucard shouted, looking down at the sandwich. "A sandwich?"

Integra smiled. Alucard had finally met his match. His opposite, his negative, his Waterloo. "Alucard!" she shouted. "Destroy that sandwich. Obliterate it, burn it to ash, crush it, show no mercy! If you can…"

Alucard drew his Jackal. Clearly, he was angry. Integra could see that he had indeed met his equal. Not only was the sandwich his rival in battle, but also for her, his master. Alucard fired, obliterating the sandwich completely.

Integra's jaw dropped and she sunk to her knees in despair. How could this be? The best soldier she had seen in years…the best man she had seen in years…had been merely a ham sandwich.

"Noooo!" Integra shouted at the heavens. "How could you!? I've served you and England all my life…I gave up my childhood, all of my old soldiers died…and now you've taken my only hope! Aaaarrrggghhh!"

Integra fell on her back, breathing heavy with her hair across her face. After a minute or two, she heard footsteps coming up the scaffold. Walter's kind face appeared over hers. The murderous butler had always been there for her. Always getting her tea and offering advice. He also killed people who bothered her. "Do you feel a little better now, Sir Integra?" Walter asked, holding out his gloved hand for her to take.

She took it and he helped her to her feet. "I-I think so. I think I'm going to arrange for some time off. No more than a week your understand."

Walter nodded. "I think that would be highly appropriate. You are human after all."

"Human. Yes."

**End Ham Sandwich Field Trial.**


	31. Order:3 Millennium v Hellsing

**The Hellsing Files.**

**Order Three: Millennium v. Hellsing.**

Lobo and Carl Johnson, CJ to his friends, were sitting in a mall food court attracting stares. Between them sat a ham sandwich neither of them had ordered. All three had been rejected by the Hellsing organization.

"And they wouldn't hire you because you're a…Cnarnian?" Carl said shaking his head in disgust.

Lobo took a puff off his giant, rancid-smelling cigar and let it blow towards a table full of teenagers who promptly gagged. "It's racism I tells ya," Lobo said. "Keepin' a brother down."

"Word," Carl agreed. "That playa hatin' Integra said I wasn't bishie enough or some crap…whatever that means."

Lobo snorted. "She didn't even have the ovaries to tell me I wasn't hired. She sent me to work for some dweeb Nazis instead. Can you believe it?"

Carl shook his head and looked at the sandwich. "Did you order that?"

Lobo put his cigar out on his tongue and flicked it at one of the unconscious teenagers he had gagged earlier. "No. I live on booze and stogies. I didn't order no sandwich."

Carl shrugged and took a bite out of it. "So how are we going to get those busters? I was thinking I'd get some of my homies together and do an old fashioned drive-bye," he said with his mouth full.

Lobo nodded in agreement until an idea popped into his head. He ginned evilly and lit up another cigar. "I got a better idea. Something that'll fix those dweebs real good."

"Better than shooting them with a rocket out of the back of a Chevy Impala?"

"That does sound like fun, but what I've got in mind will hit em' where it hurts. Their pockets."

"We gonna rob em?" Carl said, smiling. "Damn, that ain't no thang…"

Lobo shook his head. "We're gonna rob em' alright, but we're gonna do it uptown style. Get my meanin'?

On a rooftop in London stood the enemies of the Hellsing Organization. The Major, The Captain, Lobo and Carl Johnson had all agreed to a meeting after a phone call made by Lobo to Millennium's lawyer, Phoenix Wrightstein, explaining their situation.

"Mr. Lobo, I can't say it's a pleasure to see you again," the Major said. "Yet it would seem that the enemy of my enemy is also my co-plaintiff."

Lobo puffed on his giant, stinking cigar. "Yep."

From behind the Captain stepped a nervous Phoenix Wrightstein. "So, all you'll have to do, Mr. Lobo and Mr. Johnston, is sign this." He held out a form to Lobo along with a pen. "That will make you plaintiffs in our case."

Lobo signed the paper and handed it to Carl, who also signed. "There," Carl said. "Brown v. Board of Education, eat your heart out."

Wrightstein took the paper back and put it in his briefcase. "E-excellent. You'll both testify that Hellsing didn't hire you based on your respective ethnicities."

The Major clapped his hands together firmly. "And they discriminated against us based on our nationalities. I believe this will burry them. They're funding will be cut and they will have to fire those unpleasant people that currently make up their organization. Then, finally, this war will be what it should be."

"All I know is we're getting paid," Carl said. He walked to the edge of the building, checked his parachute, and jumped. "See ya."

Before he returned to his flying motorcycle, Lobo grabbed the lawyer by the shirt. "Just what country had jurisdiction over all this?"

Wrightstein swallowed hard. "Because it involves international parties, I've managed to get it tried in an American court."

"Who's gonna be the judge?"

Wrightstein swallowed harder. "I, uh, I don't know just yet."

Lobo dropped him and went to his motorcycle. "I guess your lawyerin' will have to do," he said ominously and sped off.

**To be continued…**


	32. Order:3 Milennium v Hellsing part 2

**The Hellsing Files.**

**Order Three: Millennium v. Hellsing.**

**Part Two.**

A certifiable media circus was being held outside the courthouse. Journalists from all over the world had converged on the trial of the Millennium along with a large crowd of anime, comic and video game fans. Food was being sold, tents were being staked, and bets were being placed.

Inside the courtroom sat Integra Hellsing. A bead of sweat had appeared on her forehead and her hands were shaking. They didn't allow smoking in the courthouse and she was feeling the effects. Her trusty butler Walter was seated next to her and acting as her lawyer.

Integra cast a hateful glance to her right where sat the gang of fiends that sought to undo Hellsing not by bullets and swords, but by civil rights litigation: Lobo, the last Czarnian, Carl Johnson of the Grove Street Families, and Major Montana Max Krieg. _Bastards, the lot of them,_ Integra thought. _Good thing Walter is also a lawyer…who would have guessed?_

A large, bald bailiff raised his voice to the courtroom. "All rise. The Honorable Judge Dredd presiding."

A bizarre looking man dressed in green boots, some sort of space-age looking armor and a futuristic looking helmet that covered his eyes, walked in. He sat down with little pomp or circumstance and everyone in the courtroom followed suit. Although Integra couldn't see his face, she could tell simply by his mouth and jaw that this man was a complete and utter hardcase.

She could feel his authority, distemper and piercing contempt even through the helmet. She resisted the urge to swoon over the man; she was Sir Integra…she didn't swoon. "Let's get a few things strait," Judge Dredd said. "I don't know how you think the legal system works and I don't care. Forget it. _I_ am the law. Understand?"

Walter flinched and Integra looked over to Millennium's lawyer who was shaking. _There goes their advantage,_ Integra thought, smirking at the distraught faces of the plaintiffs. "Now," Judge Dredd continued. "What's the problem?"

To his credit, Mr. Wrightstein spoke first. "I-I, uh that is, we, we the Millennium organization charge that Sir Hellsing has discriminated against my clients based on ethnicity and nationality. My clients all applied for jobs and were all turned down due to bigotry…"

"Enough, shut up. Let's start with Lobo…just what are you anyway?"

Lobo leaned back in his chair and out his arms behind his head. "I'm the last Czarnian. That broad over there didn't hire me 'cause of it. Instead she sent me a referral to these dweebs…who are also Nazis."

The Major and Mr. Wrightstein both winced at the word Nazis. Judge Dredd frowned. "Heartbreaking. You, Johnson, what's you're problem?"

Carl stood up and put his left hand on his groin. "Your Honor, I passed this bitches test with flying colors. Then she comes and says to me that the fans hate me, that I ain't a…bishie or whatever, that I'm an ethnic stereotype…"

"Get your hand off your crotch," Judge Dredd said. "That leaves you, Major Krieg. What's your story?"

The Major put down his donut and stood up. "I, along with other members of my organization, applied for work at Hellsing. Sir Integra turned us all down and said herself that it was because of our politics."

"They're Nazi…" Integra began to shout.

"Order!" Judge Dredd shouted, shattering the pitchers of water sitting on each table and cowing everyone in the courtroom. "And just what are your politics, Major?"

The Major loosened his collar, knowing this was the one point in the trial everything might fall apart. "We're members of the German National Socialist part…and we think…"

"Nazis, right," Judge Dredd said. "Sir Integra, these charges, while laughable, are also very serious. Do you have any proof you're not a racist?"

Integra swallowed hard and looked at Walter. She didn't know why, but she somehow had the feeling that a farce was about to play itself out. "We have a few witnesses, yes," she said. "We would like to call Ranma Saotome…or however the hell his last name goes, to the stand."

Ranma stood from the back of the courtroom and walked to the front while carrying a bucket of water. His expression was one of grim determination. "My name is Ranma Saotome and I'm Japanese."

Integra nodded and narrowed her eyes when Ranma cast a pleading glance at her. "And?" Integra said.

"A-and…and…and I'm a…a…Tra-trans…transsexual." With that, he dumped the bucket over his head, causing the curse he had lived with for so long to take effect. Where Ranma the man once stood now stood Ranma the woman. The court was silent with awe, save for Lobo and Carl's laughter.

Ranma slinked out of the courtroom, followed by Harry Potter who had been instructed to keep Ranma from committing seppuku in the courthouse's bathroom. "Naruto Uzumaki," Integra said. Naruto ran to the front of the court room and pointed at Judge Dredd.

"I'm pretty much from Japan too," he said, as he preformed an ninja technique that made him look like a woman. "I'm also a chic sometimes…believe it."

Judge Dredd drew a powerful looking gun and blew off one of Naruto's kneecaps. The boy fell, screaming as medics promptly hauled him away. All eyes were on Dredd, shocked. "What? I'm the law, remember," he said.

"Rosette Christopher," Integra said.

From the back, Rosette raised her hand and shouted. "I'm a woman…I'm also terminally ill…sort of."

Integra sighed. "That's about all we have for minorities I'm afraid, although I hope that changes. Also, I would like to point out that Lobo is a menace to humanity, Mr. Johnson is a criminal, and the Major over there is a Nazi, as are his friends."

Judge Dredd nodded, much to the dismay of those Integra had named. "Point taken. Court rules in favor of Sir Hellsing and the Hellsing Agency. Court adjourned." With that, Judge Dredd removed a thermal grenade from his hip, pulled the pin, and tossed it at the Millennium table.

Investigators would later conclude that the thermal grenade detonated the explosives and ammunition both Lobo and Carl Johnson were carrying in their massive inventories, thus explaining the size of the blast. Later, the United States Supreme court would rule that legal matters involving organizations of super-powered anime types would be settled through dramatic battle sequences and not in a court of law.

**End Order Three: Millennium v. Hellsing. **


	33. Integra's Vacation

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Searching for a Temporary Director.**

Integra Hellsing stood with arms crossed at a train station; next to her were two suitcases containing enough personal items to facilitate a month-long vacation in the Hawaiian islands. She did not look amused.

Walter Dornez, her butler, was standing in front of her as a train pulled in. It would take her to a private airport where she would board her flight and hopefully regain her sanity.

"I'm telling you, Walter. This isn't necessary. I'm perfectly capable of overseeing Hellsing operations. I don't need a vacation." Integra had agreed to booking the trip only after the entire staff had staged an intervention. It had gone well, with only one person, Naruto, being shot.

"Forgive me my Lady, but you were about to hire a ham sandwich before Master Alucard destroyed it. The only reason you were at the trial last Tuesday was because you were required by law to appear. There's no need to worry. A suitable replacement will be chosen within a weeks time."

"We should have had someone already set up. I'll oversee the selection process…"

Walter raised a gloved hand and smiled. Integra wasn't happy about being forced to take a break from her duties so he was going to have to use a light touch to get her onboard the train. "Alucard, Seras, and I are quite capable of choosing someone to boss us all around on our own. You need to go off and relax immediately. Need I remind you, a ham sandwich…"

"Shut up about the sandwich," Integra said. She didn't like being reminded of the best soldier she had seen in years being killed. Let the others think she was embarrassed about him being a sandwich, it didn't really matter now; he was dead. "What if Millennium or Iscariot tries something?" she asked.

Walter sighed. "Millennium, as you know, received the brunt of the explosion caused by that Judge Dredd fellow. They won't be running any operations any time soon. As for Iscariot, they've got some legal issues of their own."

Integra smiled, recalling being briefed on Father Anderson being cited by Interpol for abducting a Japanese school girl. Iscariot had tried to cover it up by transferring him, but the ruse had failed.

The train pulled in just as Integra was about to raise another objection. "You'll miss the train," Walter said, picking up her bags and shoving them in her arms. She attempted to object again, but was ushered onto the train by Walter with the help of some conductors who had been paid beforehand.

With Integra outbound, Walter checked his watch and made haste back to the Hellsing manor. There were important meetings to be conducted.

Seras, Alucard, and Walter were sitting at a table in front of a stage. Next to the stage was a line made up of an odd assortment of characters. Most were natural born leaders who had come to vie for the job of Hellsing Director, while others just needed jobs.

Walter spoke into a microphone that had been put before him. "Alright then, first up. First, identify yourself and explain to us why you believe you're right for the job."

A bald man wearing black linen and carrying a brown handbag stepped up onto the stage. Along with a spider tattoo on his head, he wore a pair of sunglasses with oddly shaped lenses. One was rectangular and red, while the other was circular and green.

The man lit up a cigarette and spoke into the microphone on stage. "Spider Jerusalem," he said. "I'm a journalist."

Seras and Walter looked at one another while Alucard scowled. "And why do you think you can lead Hellsing?" Walter asked.

Spider looked at him as though had asked a stupid question. "I said I'm a journalist."

"What good are journalists?" Alucard said. "Vampires aren't affected by bad press."

Spider coughed and puffed on his cigarette. "As a journalist, it's my job to know everything about everything before it happens. I did some digging on your shady little group and I've noticed that you guys have a severe handicap when it comes to info gathering. I'd fix that for you."

Seras whispered something to Walter and they both nodded in agreement while Alucard gave a derisive snort. "We think you'd be a wonderful candidate. You're going onto the next round," Seras said.

Spider smiled at both Walter and Seras, flipped of Alucard, and left the stage.

"Alright, who's up next?" Walter said, shuffling through a stack of papers. "Albus Dumbledore…isn't that the name of Agent Potter's headmaster?"

"Yes," Seras said, looking expectantly towards the stage. Instead, Agent Harry Potter himself walked out and grabbed the microphone. For some inexplicable reason, he was wearing a green military hat.

"Albus Dumbledore's helicopter was shot down over the South China Sea at 0800 hours. There were no survivors."

The three senior Hellsing members exchanged puzzled looks as Harry left the stage. "Dead, right," Alucard said. "Next."

"Chuck Nor…" Seras began saying, stopped by Walter's hand across her mouth.

"Miss Victoria, I'm afraid we must refer to him as Walker, Texas Ranger. Using his real name is against the TOS…"

"The what?"

"Never mind. It's Walker, Texas Ranger. Trust me."

"O-okay," Seras said, eying the bearded man wearing a brown trench coat and a cowboy hat standing on the stage. "Mr. Texas Ranger, why do you think you should lead Hellsing?"

Walker cleared his throat and burst into song. "Oh the eyes of the ranger are upon you; everything you do he's gonna see. When you're in Texas look behind you, cause that's where the ranger's gonna be…"

Seras and Walter were trying to pinpoint the source of the music that had started playing, while Alucard began rubbing his temples. "What are you doing?" Alucard asked.

Walker cleared his throat. "Singing. I'm here for the Hell Sing, or whatever it is. It's like a choir, right?"

"Next!" Alucard shouted as Walker left the stage with his shoulders in a slump.

"We should keep these people's numbers on file," Seras said, watching Walker leave. "Some of them look like they might make good agents."

Walter nodded. "We need a director more than anything right now. Right now, all we have is an homage to Hunter S. Thompson, a dead wizard, and a singing cowboy. Unless you want the three of us trying to run this place for the next few weeks, I suggest we focus."

"Running the place? You mean doing all of the paperwork," Alucard said. "Anyone one of us is capable of leading Hellsing, it's the red tape you truly fear."

Walter coughed. "I'm the only butler in an entire mansion full of super-powered freaks, forgive me if I don't want my workload increased."

Seras cleared her throat an announced the name of the next candidate. "Gendo Ikari."

A sour looking man with yellow tinted glasses and a beard walked out into the stage. Something about his demeanor seemed familiar to the three Hellsing members, all of them were silent as the man grabbed the microphone. "I'm the obvious choice for this assignment," he said. "My former job was heading up an organization responsible for defending and entire city against giant monsters using equally giant robots. I'm sure the principles behind hunting vampires are very similar."

Alucard and Seras looked uncertain, but Walter nodded. "Yes, they are. But I must ask, why did you leave your former post?"

Gendo sighed and pulled his gloves on tighter, making Alucard, Walter, and Seras gasp. "What?" Gendo said, eyeing them suspiciously.

"Gloves!" the three of them said in unison.

"You're hired," Walter said.

"Hooray!" Seras shouted. "Our new director!"

"I think you'll fit in at Hellsing quite nicely, Mr. Ikari," Alucard said.

Gendo remained looking confused as the three of clapped their inexplicably gloved hands. "Er, well, thank you. I'll be in my office. Just as soon as someone shows me where it is."

The three were up before Gendo left the stage, each one eager to show their new gloved leader his office.

**End Hellsing Director Audition. **


	34. Integra's Vacation part 2

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Integra's Vacation.**

Being the head of a secret vampire hunting organization afforded one special privileges. Privileges like having an entire beach in the Hawaiian Islands all to one's self. Integra Hellsing was sipping some fruity island drink while lounging around in a bikini (with a British flag motif) beneath a large parasol. Much to her dismay, she was enjoying it.

The sun had just touched the edge of the water and a warm breeze was blowing in off the ocean, sending her thoughts of what might be going on back in England floating out of her head. She tried to cling to them as best she could, but gave up with a sip of her drink.

"Walter had a point," she said to the incoming waves. "I was about to make a ham sandwich an officer." With that realization, she had no trouble letting go of her worries. The mind needed rest just like the body and to overtax it was to invite disaster.

Speaking of disasters, the one thing wrong with Integra's vacation was the volcano in the center of the island. Small quakes had been reported since three days ago and steam was rising from vents along the mountainside. It did this sort of thing every decade or so, Integra had been told by a tour guide. Nothing to worry about, but something to keep an eye on anyway.

The shuffling of sand caught Integra's attention. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw an odd sight. What looked to be a Japanese teenager with flaming red hair tied up into pig-tails and dressed in an equally red bikini was walking down the sand carrying a towel and a beach umbrella. She laid the towel out and planted the umbrella several meters from Integra and began putting sunscreen on herself.

Integra had trouble counting the things wrong with this scene, the least of which were the need for an umbrella and sunscreen at this time of day. Her main concern was that she had paid for the VIP beach and her was someone interrupting her solitude. She coughed loudly, catching the girl's attention. With a polite wave, she went back to rubbing sunscreen over herself.

_Let it go. She's not bothering you, you've only been here a few days, who cares if the girl is on the wrong beach?_ Integra thought. Still, she had been enjoying the view minus this odd young lady and was getting pissed.

"Ahem," she coughed again. "I think you've got the wrong beach," Integra said. "The one you want is down that way."

Smiling, the girl shook her head. "No. I'm fine here, thank you."

Integra could tell she didn't normally speak English and must be from some Asian country. She had nothing against Asians, but there was something strange about this girl she didn't like. Deciding to call it a night, she stood up and began folding her towel.

By the time she turned around with her umbrella wrapped in her towel and her drink sitting warmly in her stomach, the cup resting in a nearby trash barrel, the red-haired Japanese girl was also pack up and watching Integra. _Great, a freak,_ she thought. Only freaks and loonies sought to seek her acquaintance. What this girl's malfunction was, Integra didn't want to know.

Trying not to make eye contact, Integra headed down the beach in the direction of her hotel. Her heart sunk when she heard the girl's footsteps behind her. _Time to nip this in the bud,_ she thought, wheeling around. The girl took a few steps back, surprised, but still smiling politely. "Can I help you?" Integra asked.

The girl sucked in a breath, getting ready to say what she had obviously wanted to say all along. "Are you Integra Hellsing?"

Integra blinked. She was the head of one of the most secret organizations in the world. She should not have teenage admirers. Her first instinct was to lie, but she had been in such a good mood that day, it didn't seem to matter. "Yes. Who are you and how do you know me?"

The girl approached and stuck out her free hand. "My name is Reiko Himezono. I'm a zombie shop."

_Oh, she's a zombie shop…_ "You're a what?" Integra said, shaking the girl's hand and noticing the pentagram tattooed onto her palm.

"A zombie shop. I raise the dead for money."

Integra nodded slowly, letting go of Reiko's hand. "Really? How nice. I'm paid to un-raise them."

Reiko nodded. "I know. I heard through the vines that you're hiring. I want a job."

Something snapped inside Integra. Dropping her beach things, she covered her ears and began running down the beach, shouting "No! No more job interviews! Not today!"

Dropping her things as well, Reiko broke into a run after Integra. In her haste to escape hiring another freak, Integra had run past the tiny trail that would take her back to her hotel and instead was forced to leap a line of red tape running across the sand.

Integra hadn't noticed it, but Reiko had. Signs written in English saying FORBIDDEN were strung along the tape. Reiko jumped over the tape even so; her eternal quest to make money overriding her caution.

Integra slowed and began looking around, realizing that she had run herself into a bad spot in her haste to escape work. A sheer cliff rose up to her right while the ocean blocked an escape to the left. The only way out was to go forward and hope the beach rounded to a place where she could make her way back to the hotel.

She stopped running altogether when she saw something strange standing in the sand. Reiko saw it as well and stopped a few feet behind Integra and looked over her shoulder.

It was some kind of cactus, only it was shaped like a little man complete with black eyes and a little mustache. Thinking someone must've just drawn a face on a tacky decoration and stuck it out on the beach, Integra attempted to resume her run. She was stopped when the little cactus man sidestepped in front of her.

"What the bloody hell is this?" she asked, swiveling around to face Reiko. "Is this your doing?"

Reiko shook her head. "I do zombies, not cacti. I have no idea what that thing is…but the FORBIDDEN signs on that rope back there might have something to do with it."

Integra nodded, noticing the dozen or so cactus men who had appeared behind Reiko. They didn't seem to have facial expressions but somehow she could tell that they weren't happy to have visitors on their beach. "I think we should leave," Integra said, thinking there might be a way to sidestep the cactus people.

It turned out they had been surrounded. Standing back to back, they faced twenty or so of the prickly looking little people as they steadily began closing in. Integra took a deep breath; a good swift kick would send one of them flying, allowing her to escape, the trade-off being a foot full of cactus spines.

Reiko was the first to make her move. She ran forward, back the way they had come and vaulted the cactus men, spines and all. Wondering why she hadn't thought of the same thing, Integra followed suit.

As they ran, Integra noticed a man wearing a leather coat and a brimmed hat carrying a whip running alongside them. "Who in the bloody hell are you?" she shouted as a cactus thorn shot past her ear.

"Indiana Jones. You're gonna want to head towards that sea plane over there," he said, pointing to a seaplane floating out on the water.

Not bothering to ask where the plane or Indiana had come from, Reiko and Integra followed him to the plane where the pilot was busy reeling in a large fish he had caught.

Splashing through the water, needles flying past them, the boarded the plane, the pilot having dropped his pole into the sea in favor of escaping the cactus men via the air. Once airborne and sitting in the back of the plane, Reiko and Integra began picking out the errant needles that had found their way into their backsides.

"Well, that was pointless and made no sense whatsoever," Integra said.

"So can I have a job at Hellsing?" Reiko asked.

"Yes, on the condition that you get to England on your own and don't speak to me until my vacation is over."

"Deal," Reiko said, flicking a cactus needle to the floor.

"Who are you two supposed to be?" Indiana asked.

"Nobody. Just land this thing and let me off before something stupid happens," Integra said.

As the plane veered to the right, Integra could only pray that she met no more freaks while on vacation.

**To be continued…**


	35. The New Managment

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Currently Under New Management.**

Solid Snake surveyed the Hellsing compound through his binoculars. He could see four blue haired, albino Japanese schoolgirls patrolling inside the grounds while two manned the front gate. He had been there long enough to have counted others; it was the tightest security detail he had ever seen.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound in his ear. "This is Snake," he whispered.

"Snake," Came the voice of Leon Kennedy from within Snake's ear. "What's the situation?"

"It's bad," Snake said. "Those strange little Japanese girls he replaced us all with are armed to the teeth, hyper alert, and always on patrol. I-I think this might actually be an impregnable fortress…"

"Calm down, Snake. It'll be alright," Came another voice, this one belonging to Vash the Stampede. "No fortress is impregnable."

Snake sighed. Vash's optimism was getting to him; the blond headed, red trench coat wearing, twit simply had no idea how impossible sneaking into the Hellsing Manor would be. He had tried twice already. Disguising himself as a cardboard box hadn't even worked. They had lit his box on fire while he watched them have a cigarette break.

"Naruto, this is Snake. Do you copy?"

"Believe it," came Naruto's response. "I'm ready when you are, Snake."

Training his binoculars on the front gate, Snake waited. He knew Naruto wasn't likely to get past the guards at the front gate, but watching him try would make him feel better. "Go," he said, fumbling for a cigarette. He'd smoke it after Naruto made his attempt.

Out of the bushes came a poor excuse for a Rei Ayaname disguise. Naruto hadn't quite mastered the copying technique, but Snake wasn't about to tell him. He approached the gate and exchanged words with the guards. They wasted no time in shooting his legs out from beneath him. Writhing on the ground in pain, he was tied up and carried inside.

"Ah, yeah," Snake said, lighting his cigarette and taking a long drag. "Man that was good."

"S-Snake…I've been…captured…b-believe…it," Naruto said weakly over the nanomachine transmitter.

"Don't tell them anything, kid," Snake said, trying not to laugh. "Not even your ID number."

"I'll try to escape…even if they torture…"

"You're breaking up, kid. Save your strength." He couldn't take it anymore. Making sure he wasn't transmitting, he laughed uproariously and began sneaking back through the trees towards the temporary headquarters the exiled members of Hellsing had set up deep within the bowels of a Holiday Inn.

Entering the hotel room, he received dour looks from Leon and Vash, the two people who, along with him, had emerged as leaders. "We need all the people we can get, Snake," Vash said. "I know it's Naruto, but that was uncalled for."

Snake waved his concerns away. "Don't worry, I've been training him. He'll escape and maybe provide us an opportunity."

The three exchanged glances and began laughing. Holding his side, Leon shook his head and tried to sound serious. "No, for real. Try not to do stuff like that."

"Alright," Snake said. "But it's like I said, I don't think even I could infiltrate that place. Those guards are fearsome."

"Well then that's it then," Leon said. "We've ruled out everything else. Elric can't get near the place to use alchemy, Potter can't teleport, or whatever, past the AT field…whatever the heck that is…the only other option is to blast our way in."

Vash sighed and shook his head. "That would be suicide. And no, I'm not just saying that because I'm a total wuss when it comes to shooting people. I don't think we'd win. Any army of cloned, albino, Japanese schoolgirls that can capture Alucard, Walter Dornez, and Seras Victoria, isn't a force to be messed with."

There was a knock at the door. Snake looked through the peep hole and opened it, letting three British children in. One was a red haired freckled boy called Ron Weasley. The second was Agent Harry Potter, while the third was a bushy haired girl, Hermione Granger.

"What is it, Potter?" Leon asked.

Harry saluted Leon. "Naruto's failure gave me an idea," Harry said. "Hermione, my friend here, knows how to make a potion that changes a person's appearance. We could use it to sneak inside."

"Magic potion, huh?" Snake said, rubbing his chin. "You're sure it will work better than Naruto's jutsu?"

"Yes," Hermione said. "You'll just need some hair or something from the person you're trying to look like. Luckily they all look the same."

"Okay, that's a bit easier then," Vash said. "I think we can pull that off."

"It won't be easy," Snake said, still a bit awed by the security set-up around the compound. "We could try and retrieve some during an attack…"

"Lets do that then," Leon said. "We can't waste time. If Integra Hellsing gets back and finds out what we let happen, we're dead."

They split up. A frontal assault had been a last resort and as such, each already knew his or her part.

Riding in the back of a transport truck with the other members of Hellsing made Snake feel good. Sometimes sneaking got boring and a good old fashioned gunfight was needed to break the monotony.

The truck rolled to a stop in front of the gate and they all poured out with Leon shouting "Go, go, go!"

They began taking fire from the Rei guards immediately. Ranma took a bullet to the shoulder and went down, making Leon stop to pull out his famous green herbs. Rosette Christopher was able to fire off one shot before a hail of bullets stripped her of most of her clothes.

"Why does this always happen!?" she shouted, trying to cover herself. Distracted, Vash took a bullet to the leg.

Things were not going well, Snake thought, as he fired a tranquilizer dart into the throat of a Rei about to shoot him. She fell down, unconscious. Behind her came another Rei, this one with two bandoliers filled with grenades.

"Grenades!" Snake shouted, trying to warn the others.

"I've got it," Harry Potter said, pointing his wand at the grenade-Rei. "Accio grenades!"

Everyone watched in horror as the grenades obeyed Harry's spell and came flying at him, minus their pins. Snake looked away, unable to watch as Harry vainly tried to conjure pins for the grenades. The explosion was deafening and Snake was forced to duck as shrapnel came flying past his head.

Suddenly everything went black. Thinking he had been killed, Snake sighed, free at last. When he came to, he felt the top of his head. It was sticky with blood, but the skull seemed intact. "Must've been hit," he muttered.

Looking across the battlefield, he saw nearly every Hellsing soldier was wounded or worse. The Rei soldiers looked as though they were preparing for one final push outside the compound; a mop-up job if there ever was one.

A hand fell on his shoulder and Snake looked up to see a bearded man in a cowboy hat and a trench coat, carrying a shotgun. "Howdy, stranger," he said. "Looks like you're having some trouble."

Snake spit into the dirt. "Who the hell are you?"

"Walker, Texas Ranger. Hermione Granger sent me, said you folks might need some help."

Snake reloaded his gun and hoped that if there was a God, he'd bless Hermione. "Yeah. We need some hair from one of them albino Japanese schoolgirl clones…to make a potion so we can sneak into out base…"

The stupidity of it dawned on Snake all at once. "Dear, God…" he muttered.

"I know, it's zany beyond the bounds of sense," Walker said. "I think I can get you your hair…hold my shotgun."

Snake took it and watched as Walker rushed headlong into the group of Rei soldier, dodging their bullets and throwing punched and roundhouse kicks left and right. Walker was powerful indeed, but Snake suspected even he wouldn't able to overcome the Rei soldiers with brute force alone.

Eventually, he was forced to fall back. As he did so, he threw the wounded bodies of Hellsing soldiers unable to move by themselves over his shoulder. Snake didn't need to be told to jump in the truck and start the engine. Leon was unconscious, so Snake shouted the order to retreat over his nanomachine communicator. Anyone not being carried by Walker was able to crawl to the tuck and be loaded onto it in time.

Driving away as fast as he could with Walker in the passenger's seat, he turned to ask if the mission had been a success. Walker held up his hand, a clump of blue hair was jutting between his knuckles. "I'm not going to lie, those girls are tough."

Snake snarled and looked at the road. "That Gendo Ikari is going to pay for this."

**Join us next time for:**

**The rest of Integra's Vacation. **


	36. Integra's Vacation part 3

**The Hellsing Files:**

**The rest of Integra's "Vacation."**

Integra stood on a balcony overlooking a long stretch of beach. The wind blowing over the ocean caused her white dress to flutter slightly, but nearly knocked the wide sunhat she wore of her head.

She held it grumpily onto her head and wondered if she would ever be able to relax. She was supposed to be dressed casually, but in the dress, she felt as though she were dressed up for some sort of Halloween party.

There was one day left on her month-long vacation and not since the incident on the beach had it felt like time off work. She had taken to staying in the hotel room and sleeping, rather than risk idiocy by going outside.

Letting out a sigh, she supposed she aught to head on out and attempt to have something resembling fun. Perhaps, for once, she would be able to go out and not be bothered by freaks.

It was mid-afternoon and Integra had opted to risk a quiet stroll down the beach. Making sure to keep well away from the beach of the cactus people, she looked out over the water as she walked and wondered just what the hell cactus people were doing living on a beach. _Cacti belong in deserts, _she thought. _Fate must have flown them in to torment me._

Regardless of where the cactus people came from, she was beginning to feel confident of the fact that no freaks would annoy her on her walk. Her hopes dimmed somewhat when, after she took a detour off the beach and up a hill to avoid some washed-up jellyfish, she heard the sounds of a ball being knocked around.

The sound was coming from the edge of a short cliff. Against her better judgment, she went over to investigate, thinking a simple volleyball game was taking place.

She didn't see a volleyball net when she looked. It appeared as though some sort of circus had taken up residency on the beach and was doing some sort of drill using a ball. Everyone was wearing large, yellow pants. None of their outfits were symmetrical in the least; each one sporting some bizarre array of accessories that made each person resemble a Christmas tree in an orphanage.

One of the clowns, or whatever they were, instead of knocking the ball back to his partner did a back flip and kicked the ball, sending it rocketing towards Integra while her mind was busy trying to make sense of what was going on. Just before the ball struck her in the forehead, she chided herself for coming over to investigate what had obviously been yet another freak show.

When she woke up, her head ached. Blinking into the sun, she felt for her glasses. They were still on her head, unbroken. Blinking twice, she could make out the concerned features of a young, tanned looking man sporting the ugliest haircut she had ever seen.

Thinking it might be a headdress and not his actual hair, she sat up. The entire group backed up, along with the odd looking man, who seemed to be the group's leader.

"Hey, Lady, you alright? You took a hard knock there," the man said in a thick, faintly Hawaiian accent.

"I'm fi…" Integra stopped, feeling a wave of nausea come over her. She flopped backward onto the sand, ready to roll over and vomit in case she couldn't hold it back.

"Dang," the man said. "We need to get you some antidote. I'm Wakka by the way, and these are the Besaid Aurochs."

Holding her stomach and feeling more confused than anything else, she glared at Wakka. "You're what of the who? What do I need an antidote for?"

"Wakka," he said. "Captain of Besaid's blitzball team, the Aurochs. You've been poisoned and you need an antidote. Hey, get this lady what she needs!" Wakka shouted.

_Okay, that answers one question_, Integra thought. _They're not clowns, they're some kind of sports team…but what the hell is blitzball and where on God's green earth is Besaid? _"Who poisoned me?" she asked.

"Er, the ball. It was a poisoned one. We're teaching Tidus here some new moves," Wakka said, pointing clearly to a young blond man who was now looking nervous. "It's his fault. Him. Right over there, see?"

Tidus began shuffling behind another player, trying to avoid taking the blame. Integra felt for her gun, wanting to make sure none of these people ever bothered her, or anyone else, ever again. When she didn't find it, remembering she left it in the hotel room, she went limp and decided she would hunt them later, like animals, once they gave her the antidote for the poison.

Someone rushed over with a small container. She snatched it from his hand and popped open the cork. Inside was a smelly blue substance, which she drank. The look on Wakka's face made her frown. "What?"

"You drank it," Wakka said, sounding unsure. "Usually we just throw it up over our heads, but I suppose drinking it works too."

The feeling of wanting to vomit left the instant the medicine hit her stomach. She got to her feet as quickly as she could, and began walking.

"Say, you took that hit pretty good, poison aside," Wakka said, backing up and walking in front of her. "You should stay and jo…" he was stopped by Integra's fist connecting with his chin. The punch seemed to shut Wakka off like a light switch. He hit the sand flat on his back and didn't move.

_No,_ Integra thought. _I will not be coached into joining some freak's sporting event and going on some horrid little adventure where the day gets saved or…_ her thoughts were interrupted by Tidus, who got in front of her and opened his mouth to say something. Her fist silenced him before he could utter a second syllable. _No, no, no._

She made her way back to the hotel in short order, having been forced to only punch a child wanting to play something called Duel Monsters and a giant talking milk shake. She flopped onto her bed and flicked on the television.

It was the news.

The top story for that night seemed to be occurring in England. While reports were confusing and conflicting, it seemed that a gun battle had broken out at a mansion. It was currently believed to be between gang members and a nunnery.

Integra changed the channel and began watching a cooking show. She knew the gun battle had something to do with Hellsing, but resolved not to care until sometime tomorrow.

**End of Integra's Vacation: assuming it ever really began. **


	37. Hellsing v Ikari

**The Hellsing Files:**

**Hellsing v. Ikari.**

"So let me get this straight," Integra Hellsing said to those gathered in the hotel room. "My mansion, my organization, has been taken over by a megalomaniacal Japanese pedophile and his army of Japanese albino school girls?"

Leon S. Kennedy and Solid Snake both nodded gravely. Walker, Texas Ranger and Vash the Stampede stood behind them near the window trying not to look at her. They had all hoped to have the mess they had made cleared up before Integra's return, but the albino school girls in question had proved to be formidable foes.

"Where are Alucard, Seras, and Walter? You two don't have the authority to have allowed something like to happen," she said.

Snake and Leon looked at one another, wondering who would be the spokesman. Finally, Leon spoke. "They were captured and thrown in the dungeon. We're not sure how exactly. Naruto was captured as well."

"And you're also going to tell me that with all of your combined abilities, you haven't been able to fight your way in?" Integra grumpily took a cigar from a package in her pocket and lit it, blowing smoke sideways from her mouth onto the "No Smoking" sign bolted to the wall.

"They're tough," Snake said. "We nearly all died and would have too, had it not been for Walker."

Leon spoke again before Integra could go into another round of chastisement. "We've actually got one more trick up our sleeves," he said. "Hermione Granger, one of Agent Potter's school friends is brewing us a potion to change our appearances into one of the school girls. We've already got the DNA samples we need, we just have to wait on the potion."

Integra's anger seemed to cool, but she still looked annoyed. "And if that tactic fails?"

No one spoke, not having any idea what they would do if this option failed. "Figures," Integra said. "I'll let you carry out this plan, but God help you if you muck it up."

They waited for a supply truck to leave the Hellsing compound. Harry Potter threw a spell on it once it was out of sight, freezing it in place. A fierce gun battle ensued, with the Hellsing soldiers coming out the victors. After Hermione had used her magic to fix the bullets holes in the truck and clean out the blood and bites of brain from the cab, those who were to attack the compound drank the polyjuice potion and transformed into perfect copies of Rei Ayanami.

They drove back quickly, with the idea that would say they'd forgotten something. They only had one hour before the potion wore off. They were stopped when they approached the gate, and the guards, while a little suspicious, bought their story.

Once inside the gate, they all exited the vehicle and marched into the compound. Entering the main hall, they stopped. Looking down on them from the stairway above was Gendo Ikari. His yellow tinted sunglasses mysteriously glinting in the poorly lit room. "Well, if it isn't Hellsing," Gendo said.

"How'd you know it was us?" Leon shouted in Rei's voice.

"We heard the gunfire. And no supply truck has ever come back claiming that it forgot something. The idea is for it to leave and then return with things. There's nothing for it to forget. Morons."

The imposter Reis looked at one another, nodding. It had been a dumb ruse. "It doesn't matter," Snake said. "We're in, lets take him out."

"Not so fast," Gendo said. "You see, this was all foretold in the Dead Sea scrolls. When I…"

"No it wasn't," Vash, or at least the Rei clone look-alike everyone thought was Vash, said. "There's nothing about this in any scrolls anywhere and you know it. Now why don't you just come clean and tell us why you're doing this."

Gendo pushed his glasses up and frowned. "Alright, fine. My old job was commanding a bunch of good-for-nothing teenagers who piloted giant robots and fought with angels. Every mission they'd whine and complain and do nothing but bitch about the job they had been called upon to do. Either that or they went crazy trying to prove themselves to no one in particular. Rei, the only good one, kept getting mangled and killed…I got sick of it."

More Reis had rushed into the room. Knowing this was likely to happen, the Hellsings scrambled and did their best to mingle. Unable to tell who was who, the inevitable battle was further postponed.

"So why did you take over the Hellsing organization?" one of the Reis shouted before promptly moving so as not be found out and shot.

"I thought you might ask that," Gendo said, pulling out an envelope. "Inside this packet, is what the director of Hellsing makes in a year." He threw it to the ground, where one of the Reis grabbed it.

Gendo gave the signal for them not to shoot while the false Reis found out how much their boss made. Vash passed out, Leon froze stiff as a board, and Snake simply shook his head. The other Hellsings began to stagger away in various states of shock.

"Those are euros you morons," Integra said. "There are other currencies in the world besides dollars, double dollars, and…knuts or whatever the hell you wizards use. Kennedy, you should know this. You were in Spain for how long?"

Leon shrugged. "I thought they all just dressed poor for fun."

"It doesn't matter," Integra said. "A dues ex machina in the form of immigration services has deported Mr. Ikari along with all of his clones. Alucard, Seras, and Walter were found sipping tea in the basement, apparently enjoying their own little vacation."

"So this wasn't completely our fault then?" Leon said.

"No. I blame this entire stupid idea on someone else entirely," Integra said.

"Idea?"

"Never mind. The three canon characters will be punished accordingly and things will get back to normal. Dismissed."

Wondering what she meant by canon characters, those gathered in Integra's office left it quietly. "So what happens now?" Vash asked. "What direction will this all go in? Is it the end?"

"I don't know," Leon said. "I just don't know."

**The end of The Hellsing Files?**

**Maybe…**


	38. Master Chief Interview

**The Hellsing Files.**

**Master Chief Interview.**

Integra Hellsing thought she had a good candidate for Hellsing membership as she looked over the file in her hands. He had all sorts of military training and wartime experience. The only thing that she was concerned about was that he had listed Master Chief as his name, and half of the weapon he had listed as being proficient with, she had never heard of.

There was a heavy knock on her door. "Enter," she said.

In walked what looked to be a seven foot tall dirt bike racer, his face hidden behind a yellow face shield imbedded in his helmet. "Hi," he said. "Is this where the interview is?"

She grabbed a cigar and lit it, feeling the sudden urge to smoke. "Yes. Sit down."

He took a few heavy strides across the room and sat down in the wooden chair on the other side of Integra's desk. It promptly broke when he sat in it, sending a vibration through the room as he hit the floor. "Sorry," he said. "I thought the chair was reinforced."

"Why would you thi…never mind, just stand." Integra said, taking a long drag from her cigar. "My first question…Master Chief?"

"What?"

"Is that your real name?"

Master Chief shrugged. "Sometimes people just call me Chief. I get called Demon a lot, but I don't like that one so much."

"I see," Integra said, now sounding disappointed and board. "Maybe you could explain what some of these weapons are that you listed as knowing how to use. Spiker, Needler, Brute Shot…I've never heard of these weapons. Did you fight for the Swiss army?"

"Oh, those are all Covenant weapons. I wasn't going to list them because I didn't think you would have any, but my guidance counselor told me to list all the stuff I was good at on my job applications."

Puffing her cigar, taking in the relaxing smoke, she almost asked what the Covenant was, but then decided that she didn't want to know. "I suppose it's the same for these vehicles as well?"

Chief nodded. "Pretty much. I can learn to drive most anything though. Except for standards…"

"We usually have our agents jump out of helicopters or ride in APCs. They're driven by professionals, so don't worry. Let's see, it also says here you've been trained to deal with floods…vampires can't cross running water, so perhaps that could be channeled…"

"Er, no, you've got that wrong," Chief said. "I know how to fight THE Flood."

"THE flood? I think Noah took care of it…"

"No, it's like an alien parasite or something," Master Chief said. "It drops spores, little bugs come out and infect corpses…it's a real pain in the…"

"I get it," Integra said. "Vampires are somewhat similar, but…well not at all really. Never mind. Why do you want to hunt vampires anyway?"

Chief shrugged. "Truth be told, you don't really hunt them."

"What?"

"I read the brochure, I saw the tapes," Chief said. "You wait until they kill somebody, then you run out and kill them. You're more like vampire fighters, which is cool, don't get me wrong."

She sighed heavily. "So then why do you want to fight vampires? It's not like fighting aliens; the battles are less epic, they're more horror themed, there's more cleanup work to be done, it's very different."

"I need something different. It's the same damned game every time, just sometimes certain weapons don't work right, vehicles blow up wrong…you know how it is."

"I do," Integra said, having no clue what Master Chief was blabbering about. "Alright, you don't seem like you'll be a problem for this organization so I'll pass you along to the field trial. It's tomorrow at three. I'm sure you'll pass, but we just need to make sure you can handle yourself."

"Alright," Master Chief said, walking over to Integra's des to grab a piece of candy from the candy dish she kept there. She bristled when he got close to it, knowing all too well how these interviews usually ended.

Standing entirely too close to the desk, Master Chief attempted to figure how to get the candy past his helmet. "You can go now, Mr. Chief," Integra said, wanting him to get as far away from the desk.

"Alright," Master Chief said, turning to leave.

Integra almost didn't notice the glowing blue sphere stuck to the lip of her desk. "What in the hell is that?" she said, sliding her chair backward.

Master Chief turned to look and jumped with surprise. "Oh crap! Plasma grenade! Sometimes the accidentally stick to things…I didn't know I had any left…"

"Well get it off my…" The explosion was deafening. Integra found herself on the floor looking up at the ceiling. There was a slight ringing in her ears and the world seemed to have slowed down to a crawl.

There was Master Chief standing over her; she could see her reflection in his face shield. "Aaaarrrreeee yuooooo allllriiiight?" he said, holding his hand out for her to grab.

"Get out of my office," she said, the world suddenly catching up and things returning to normal.

"Do I still get to do the field trial?"

"Yes…just let me lie her for a bit, alright?"

Master Chief nodded. "I'll go out into the hall so you can re-spawn. Thanks."

She heard him leave and closed her eyes. She'd have her revenge during his field trial.

**End Master Chief interview. **


	39. Master Chief field trial

**The Hellsing Files**

**Master Chief Field Trial.**

Integra walked quickly toward the enclosure used to test new recruits shooting abilities. It was a maze-like building meant to reenact the interior of a building. New recruits would make their way through it while shooting dummies inside rooms. There was no roof, so Integra could observe from a nearby scaffold from above.

She made her way up the scaffold's steps and looked down at Master Chief as he stood next to Ranma Saotome. Normally, it would have been Seras Victoria assisting with the exercise, but she, along with Walter and Alucard, were being punished for treason.

"The goal is simple, Mr. Chief," Integra said. "Get to the heart of the enclosure while shooting all of the targets you see. Only head and heart shots count, do it as fast as you can."

"I need a weapon," Master Chief said, holding out his hand to Ranma.

Ranma looked around for a table with weapons on it, but didn't see one. Holding his hands up and tilting his head, he looked at Integra.

Scowling, she shouted for Ranma to go and retrieve something from the armory. He returned sub-machine gun. "This is the coolest one I could find," Ranma said, handing it to Master Chief.

He checked the weight of it and looked to see if it was loaded. "I need some ammunition," he said flatly.

Ranma ran back to the armory while Integra looked down at Master Chief, and wondered just what he was looking at through his helmet. It was a long, awkward silence before Ranma returned. "Here you go," he said. "I forgot they needed bullets."

Master Chief loaded the gun and walked into the maze. Integra watched him run through and shoot the targets without much difficulty, although she could hear muttered cursing as he ran.

"Something wrong, Mr. Chief?" she shouted, bored and wondering what would happen if she spoke to someone while they were taking this little test.

Master Chief stopped. "Hm? Oh, nothing…none of these targets are appearing on my radar, so they're hard to find. If you can make them move a little…"

"I'm afraid not," Integra shouted back. "They're stationary."

He wouldn't be the first agent to have built in radar, she reasoned. Maybe Master Chief and Solid Snake would have something to talk about during their off hours.

When Chief kicked down the door to the center of the maze, she watched as Vash the Stampede drew his gun and fired, hitting Master Chief. Instead of striking his armor, odd lights danced over his body, making Integra think he was covered in some sort of force field.

Mast Chief returned fire, but Vash dodged. Master Chief kept shooting as Vash evaded him in a circle around the room, jumping into the air now and again. When he ran out of bullets, he rushed forward and clubbed Vash upside the head with the sub machine gun, knocking him unconscious.

Integra shrugged, wishing she hadn't punished Alucard before scheduling this trial. Vash was a poor stand-in, not enough tenacity she thought.

She let out a gasp once she saw what Master Chief was doing to Vash's body. He was standing over it and crouching repeatedly. Almost as though he were trying to have intercourse with it, but wasn't animated to perform such a feat. "What in God's name are you doing!?" she shouted.

Master Chief stopped and looked up at her with his arms in the air. "What? He was camping, you saw it. He deserves this."

"Camping?"

"Yeah, you know. Waiting in one spot so that I would come along and get killed."

"You mean an ambush," Integra said. "What's wrong with that?"

"W-what's…wrong…that…" Master Chief began sputtering in anger. "He's a CAMPER!"

Integra scratched her head and shrugged, now wishing she had eaten breakfast before coming out. "It's a legitimate strategy, one of the oldest in the book. You simply have to…"

Master Chief threw his gun down and stomped his foot. "No, you don't get it," he said. "Camping is wrong, it's evil, it's cheap, it's…"

Integra drew her pistol and shot Master Chief in the shoulder. He went down, holding his blood wound. "My shield…"

"f yer sheld n00b," Integra said. "i m the bozz hear, i got the haxx. heer at helsing, we camp al wwant 2."

She leapt down off the scaffold and landed on Master Chief, where she began to crouch and stand back up again repeatedly.

"Quit it!" Master Chief shouted.

"lol. Stfu, n00b," she said.

An hour later, after everyone had calmed down, they sat in the Hellsing manor's sitting room sipping cups of tea. Master Chief had unlocked a Tea Sipping helmet recently, and had taken his with no sugar and some cream.

"Terribly sorry about that," Integra said, taking a sip from her own tea, pinky out. "I don't know what came over me."

"No, no," Master Chief said. "I'm afraid fault lies with me, my dear lady. Camping is an effective strategy to rend an overeager opponent down for the count. It would never presume to impinge upon your tactical know-how."

"Yes, but I was out of line when I fired upon you and used hacks to do it. I must apologize," Integra said.

"If you insist, but I was indeed rude. It shan't happen again, Sir Hellsing," Master Chief said.

Vash adjusted the ice pack on his head and drank some tea as well. He wasn't sure if his concussion had anything to do with how Master Chief and Integra were speaking or not, but he hoped Leon had some red herbs left from the weekend.

**End Master Chief Field Trial. **


	40. The Lost Interviews

**The Hellsing Files:**

**The Lost Interviews.**

There was nothing impressive about the man sitting in front of her, other that he was obviously equal parts insane and stupid. He had orange hair, a dirty red shirt covering a dirtier white t shirt, and a stupid look on his face.

"Mr. Fry, is says here that you're from the past? Could you explain?"

"I sure can," he said, smiling. "I used to work as a pizza delivery boy in New York, but I got frozen and ended up in the future."

"Really, and what year was it when you were frozen?" she asked, looking at the calendar she kept on her desk.

"It was New Year's day," he said dramatically. "It was just turning 2000. I woke up in the year 3000."

"So how did you get back here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Right now, it's the year…" something crashed outside, drowning out Integra's voice to all except for Fry.

"It is?" Fry said, trying to do math on his fingers. "But then how…"

Integra pulled out her gun. She had become tired of stupid people showing up to work at Hellsing and was doing her best to discourage useless candidates. As Fry was trying to come up with a logical explanation for his skipping about through the time stream, Integra shot him twice in the chest. "Walter," she said, pushing a button on her intercom.

Walter entered the room, bowed to Integra and threw Fry over his shoulder. "Will you be taking you tea now, my lady?"

"In another half hour," she said, lighting a cigar as Walter left.

"So your last name is Explosion?" she said, looking at a pale man with long black hair. He was flanked by four others, all dressed as though they belonged in a heavy metal band which they were.

"Yeah," he said in a gravely voice.

"And you want to hunt vampires…why?"

"Becauses its woulds bes the mosts metals things evers," one of the other band members said, annoying Integra with his grammar. She wondered what his name was, but decided she didn't care, reaching under her chair for the automatic weapon she had bought for groups.

One spray did the trick, killing all of the applicants. "Walter," she said, pushing the button. "Five this time."

She sipped her tea as Walter and Harry Potter worked to remove the bodies from her office.

The man's résumé was impressive. He could throw fire, could use turtle shells as weapons, was friends with royalty, and was a plumber to boot. He also looked reliable. He was dressed in coveralls and a red shirt with a hat emblazoned with the letter M.

"Mario Mario," Integra said. "Italian bred, Brooklyn raised. I think we might be able to use you. What do you know about hunting vampires?"

"You gotta shoot em' in the head or the heart," he said in a voice that reminded her of a rubber ducky being struck with a hammer repeatedly. The sound made her wince and wish to God he hadn't opened his mouth.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Mario," she said. "But not sounding like that you don't." She shot him in the throat and lamented such a qualified person being cursed with such a stupid voice. "Walter," she said into the intercom. "He might live. Bring a med kit."

A squid-like creature wearing a cap with the words Booty Hunter emblazoned on the front sat glaring at Integra suspiciously. He spit a wad of chewing tobacco onto the floor and used one of his tentacles to pull another hat out of some mysterious location on his body. "There's my résumé. Try not to be too impressified."

Integra picked up the hat and read what was scrawled on its surface. It started off being a list of people Early Cuyler, the squid in question, had beaten up. It then became an arrest record, but after a while became a long, racist rant against white people and robots. "That is impressive," Integra said, trying not to sigh. "Do you have your own weapons?" Integra's own gun was a little low on ammo and she didn't want to get up to reload.

"Hell yeah!" Early shouted, pulling out a battered pump action shotgun from somewhere Integra couldn't see and fired it into the air making plaster and wood rain down on them both. "I got this too." He set the shotgun down on the desk and pulled out a large knife, which he buried into Integra's new desk.

"My, my, Mr. Cuyler," she said, feigning awe as she grabbed his shotgun. "Your taste in firearms is impeccable."

"I don't eats 'em, I shoots 'em," Early said, just before Integra turned the shotgun onto him and fired, separating his head from his tentacles.

"Walter," she said into the intercom. "Do you know any good recipes for squid?"

The bulk of Hellsing's membership had assembled in an old, unused barracks for the purpose of secrecy. Leon S. Kennedy had assembled them all, and was now pacing up and down the room where his comrades stood listening.

"She's gone crazy," Leon said. "She's just killing people she calls in to be interviewed."

"How can you be sure?" Harry Potter said. "A lot of those interviews can get a little…loud."

"Tell them, Snake," Leon said.

Solid Snake stepped forward and raised his voice, something he normally didn't do. "I saw it all. I was hiding in my box, watching."

"We've already got jobs," Ranma said. "Why should we worry?"

There was a murmur of agreement, but Leon raised both arms and whistled, silencing all. "It's simple," he said. "First, she kills people who want jobs. Then she kills people who have them. It's a common practice for serial killers. Soon, she'll be calling us into her office for 'performance reports' or something. She might even start hunting us like animals."

"No way," Vash the Stampede chimed in. "We've served her well, I don't think she'd ever shoot one of us."

"Speak or yourself," Naruto said angrily. "She shoots me once a week, believe it."

"I suppose we should ask ourselves, who is she going to shoot next?" Rosette Christopher said, causing everyone to turn there head and look at her with surprise. "What?" she said, feeling self-conscious.

Leon coughed. "Uh, nothing. We just…forgot you were in this fic."

"This fic?"

"Leon," Vash said. "Stop breaking the fourth wall for cheap laughs."

"Sorry," Leon said. "But Rosette's right. Me and Snake have a theory; she's only shooting stupid characters. You know, ones that _really_ have no business being in the Hellsing universe."

"Leon! Fourth wall!" Vash shouted.

"Sorry," Leon said again. Leon had forgotten to leave off a dime bag's worth of the green herb under Vash's mattress and was certain that was why the red-coated peacenik was getting on his case. "Like I was saying, the people that don't quite fit in…you should watch yourself."

Heads began turning as each new Hellsing member examined their weirdness against the weirdness of their compatriots. Harry Potter seemed unconcerned, being both human and British. Ranma was shifting uneasily, but all eyes were on Master Chief. Whispers of "Is he a robot or a guy in a suit?" flittered about along with "Maybe he's, like, a cyborg or something."

Master Chief waved a hand dismissively. "She won't shoot me," he said. "I had it put in my contract, no team kills."

"I know who we should consult," Leon said finally. "The only one of us Integra really respected; Ham Sandwich."

Silence. All of Hellsing looked to Leon as though he had lost his mind. "I'm also hungry and this chapter is reaching the end of the usual length limit."

"Damn it, Leon," Vash said. "But yeah, is close to lunch time. Let's continue this ill-thought out and sporadic plotline later."

With that, Leon and Vash led the way to the kitchen where they intended to make a Ham Sandwich, ask it for advice on how to be a better Hellsing solider, and then eat it.

**End the Lost Interviews. **


	41. Brutananadilewski Interview

The Hellsing Files

**The Hellsing Files**

**Carl Brutananadilewski Interview**

Although she was thoroughly unimpressed by the balding, overweight man wearing a dirty white tank top and grey sweatpants sitting before her, she looked at the clock on the wall and saw that she had an hour at least to kill.

"So, Toots, how much does this gig here pay?" he said in a thick New Jersey accent.

Integra waited a moment before answering, wondering if she should bother. "You get the equivalent of sixty thousand American dollars a year, plus benefits, plus bed and board. It's quite fair."

"Yeah, I'm sure it is," he said. His name was Carl Brutananadilewski. On his job application, Integra saw that he had listed insulation factory worker as his prior experience, but nothing else. "So, eh, when do I get to shoot freaks?"

"I'm sorry," Integra said, wondering where he'd learned the term.

"I heard this here job was about shootin' freaks. Man I hate freaks…always on my lawn, in my pool…my house." His beady black eyes seemed to glaze over as his memory forced him to relive something. Integra wondered what horrors he'd faced in his lifetime.

"Yes, it is about shooting freaks essentially," Integra said. She had decided not to give the usual line about defending England from its enemies and doing the Lord's work. In the end, Hellsing was all about killing freaks anyway. "Well, after this interview, you'll have to complete a field trial to show you're suited for combat against the undead. Once that's done, you'll be sent out on missions as soon as they come up to be dealt with."

"Alright, I can't wait," Carl said. "You don't know how much I hate freaks."

"I'm curious Mr. Brutananadilewski, why do you hate them so much?"

Carl took a deep breath and began to turn red. "You have no idea. No Friggin' idea. They move in next door, they make noise, they tear up my lawn, get crap in my pool…I don't wanna count how many times they've smashed my car. And it's not enough it's just them, oh no. They gotta have other freaks come over to their house and then them freaks always end up over at my place…"

He went on for five whole minutes, sometimes repeating himself, but mostly sounding crazier and crazier. As near as Integra could tell, he thought a fast food meal had been antagonizing him for the past two years. He reminded her a little of the homeless people near the train station who wanted change but also felt the need to inform her about the speech they had to give at Oxford later that week.

"That's enough, Mr. Brutananadilewski, I get it," she said. "I'll schedule you for a field trial tomorrow. We'll supply the weapons, all you have to do is show up."

"Win-frickin'-win, baby," he said. "Oh, uh, I got another question."

"What?"

"What are you doin' later? I got a twelve pack of imported beer and a hotel room, whaddaya say?"

Integra wondered briefly about how many people would question their belief in God if she said yes. Hell, she could even marry him and produce an heir for the Hellsing line…no, she thought. As fun as it would be, he was too disgusting. "I'm afrai…"

"Hang on a second," Carl said, squinting. "You _are_ a broad, right?"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, you look a little masculine is all I'm sayin'. And your name ain't no help neither. Integra, is that some kinda shoe polish or what, eh?"

"Just get out of here before you get shot," Integra said, slumping in her chair and plucking a cigar from her pocket.

"Don't get me wrong," Carl said. "I'd still be up for…even if…"

She drew her pistol and rested it on her thigh, not yet taking the safety off. She was in an okay mood and he had a few more strikes before the carpet needed to be cleaned again.

"Alright, I'm goin'," Carl said, making a hasty exit.

That solved one problem, Integra thought. For some reason, the horrible little man's comments were still floating around in her head. Did she really look that manly? Was that a bad thing? Should she even care?

Lighting her cigar, she pondered such things in silence.

**End Carl Brutananadilewski Interview.**


	42. You know what? Forget Carl

The Hellsing Files

**The Hellsing Files**

**Winners don't do drugs.**

Carl Brutananadilewski never showed up for the field trial. Integra waited patiently for thirty seconds after the time he was scheduled to be there, but decided tea time shouldn't have to wait.

While taking her tea in a quiet section of the mansion, far away from the new staff, Walter entered carrying a letter. "This came in not long ago," he said. "Mr. Brutananadilewski was apparently arrested for attempting to strangle a giant talking milk shake."

"A milk shake?"

"A milk shake."

Integra shrugged and sipped her tea.

Later that afternoon, Integra received a phone call. It was the head of Interpol, and there was a slight matter in Japan Hellsing might be able to clear up.

"Japan has plenty of people who can assault undead targets, how are we special?" Integra asked.

"Can a vampire die of a heart attack?"

"No," Integra said. "A vampire's heart doesn't beat, so…"

"Excellent. I'll book a flight for you and one of your vampires."

The man hung up, leaving her no chance to argue or refuse. Flipping through her calendar book, she saw no pressing matters that Walter or someone else on the staff couldn't oversee with competence.

In the end, she took Alucard, although something Naruto said to her made her wonder if she shouldn't just tell everyone he was a vampire and watch what happened to him. Alucard spent the flight in a coffin while Integra enjoyed a relatively long first-class flight.

Landing in Japan, they were taken to police headquarters where a haggard looking man stood in a room next to a few other equally haggard looking detectives. Three young people were also sitting on the couch, a girl and two young men.

"Why are they handcuffed together?" Integra asked, looking at the two men and lighting a cigar.

The chief coughed and explained the situation. "Japan, and the whole world, has been terrorized lately by someone known as Kira. Kira seems to have the ability to cause people to die of a heart attack. Details are sketchy, but it seems he needs to know the name and face of the victim before he kills."

"I wonder why we hadn't heard of this," Integra said, blowing a wisp of smoke through her nose.

"I'm wondering when we learned Japanese," Alucard said.

"It's more complicated than that," one of the young men said. He was the cleaner looking of the two. He wore a school uniform of some type, his hair was brown and combed, and he seemed rather handsome.

The man he was cuffed to was the opposite. Wearing a white shirt with jeans, his black hair was a mess, there were rings beneath his eyes, and for some reason he was barefoot. "We believe there to be a second Kira. One that doesn't need the name of the victim, only the face, to kill."

"This is my son, Light Yagami," the chief said. "The man chained to him is the master detective L, and this young lady is…Misa."

"Misa is Light's girlfriend," Misa said, smiling. She was dressed after some manner of Japanese pop-fashion Integra didn't understand.

Integra puffed more, filling the room with rank cigar smoke. Some of the detectives seemed to want to cough, but held it back. "I must say inspector Yagami, this is a bit outside our jurisdiction as well as our expertise. What do you need us for?"

"Kira kills by causing heart failure. The Inspector deduced that something without a heart to fail would be best suited to solve this mystery. I disagree," L said.

Integra laughed, becoming impatient. "It's not often I speak ill of Alucard, but a detective he is not. Assuming Kira is even in Japan…"

"He's in this room," L said. "One of us three is Kira, and possibly the second. That's why Light and I are chained together so we can keep watch of one another."

Alucard began to smile. "So, out of you three, at least one of you is Kira and it's possible another is the second?"

"Correct," L said.

Alucard drew his Casull and fired thee shots before anyone could move. When the smoke from her cigar cleared, Misa, Light, and L lie on the couch with smoking entry wounds in their foreheads. Blood and brain matter had ruined the back of the couch, along with the carpet and wall.

"Mystery solved," Alucard said, holstering his pistol.

Back at the mansion, Alucard was being scolded.

"You can't just shoot people," Integra said.

"They wanted me to solve a mystery, master. A mystery. Me."

"We could have simply left," Integra said. "Now I've got Interpol calling, the Queen is angry with me, I've received death threats from that fandom…"

"That's it," Alucard said, taking out both of his pistols. Integra's face went stern and she dropped a hand to her gun. Alucard set both pistols on the desk in front of her. "You've gone too far, hired too many people, and berated me for the last time. I haven't shot anyone in weeks and when I finally get to, you give me hell. I quit."

He pulled his large red hat out from under his coat and flopped it on the desk, then removed his red coat and set that down too. Integra had raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. "You can't quit and you know it," she said.

"Watch me," he said, turning into a bat and flying to the door, where he was forced to turn back into a man in order to open it. With it open, he shifted back into a bat and flew down the hall, away.

Integra said down, looking at Alucard's things. Apparently he could quit, who knew? "He'll be back," she said to herself, alone in her office. "He'll be back."

**To be continued…**


	43. The Big Hellsing

The Hellsing Files

**The Hellsing Files**

**The Big Hellsing**

Integra had given Alucard's weapons, his hat, and his coat to the Ham Sandwich. Something in her look made Walter nod his head and bow, agreeing with her decision. Sir Integra's mental health weighed heavily on his mind as he led the visitor through the main parlor.

The man was dressed in flip flops and a bathrobe covering a white t-shirt and what looked suspiciously like boxer shorts. He wore sunglasses and had a large goatee with scraggly shoulder length hair. He appeared as though his rightful place were in his kitchen at eight in the morning, not in a mansion such as the Hellsing estate at three in the afternoon.

"As you can see, the Hellsing family dates back many years," Walter said, gesturing to some paintings on the wall. The man walked casually in front of Walter, his hands in his robe pockets, head cocked to the side. He seemed extremely interested in what Walter was saying, but Walter doubted it.

"That's a painting of Abraham van Hellsing, the family's oldest known patriarch. Here we have Arthur Hellsing, the last master who ran the order during World War Two, and here is the current master, Sir Integra Hellsing. She took over the family headship after her father passed on when she was twelve."

"That's a chic?" the man said. "Far out, man."

"Uh…yes, Sir Hellsing is a woman. It is slightly unusual for female knights to be referred to as sir, but…"

"Oh, she's a knight? Huh."

"Yes," Walter said, leading the man towards Integra's office. He wanted their meeting to be over with in a hurry. Alucard's leaving had not left Sir Integra in a good mood whatsoever. "She'll see you now," Walter said. "But please make it brief, she's very busy."

Integra was standing in front of the fireplace in her office, flicking cigar ashes into it. The door opened and closed. She turned to see a disheveled looking man standing in front of the door. "Have a seat Mr. Lebowski," Integra said.

He took a seat in front of her desk, leaving her to take her usual spot behind it. She didn't think he was here for an interview, which was somewhat refreshing. "What is this about?" she asked.

Lebowski seemed to ponder something for a moment. "Dude," he said.

"What?"

"Dude. Nobody calls me Lebowski. The Dude, Dude, His Dudness, El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing…"

"What do you want? I'm very busy," Integra said.

"Ah," he said. "It's like this: the other night some, ah, vampires, I guess you could say, came to my place and…smashed a desk I had. It really tied the room together, and they seemed to think I had something to do with you and, ah, what you do here…"

Integra clapped her hand on her desk. "Vampires…you've come to the right place, Mr. Lebowski…"

"Dude."

"Vampires are our specialty. If you'll describe the attack in full, we'll have the heathens hunted down within the week and killed."

The Dude was shaking his head. He took off his sunglasses and put them in the pocket of his robe. Integra noticed his eyes were a little red. "No, I don't want anybody killed, I just…I just thought…the desk, y'know, it really tied the room together and I noticed you've got all _this_," he gestured around the room and at her desk. "I just thought you might…give me a new desk."

"You're not getting anything until you tell us all you know about the vampires that attacked you."

"They didn't _attack_ me per say, they just wrecked my desk. I conduct business there and…"

"What's your business?" Integra asked. She thought he might be a drug dealer, but his demeanor didn't suggest it.

"Right now I'm unemployed," he said. "But it really…

"Tied the room together, yes," Integra said. "Look, Mr. Lebowski…"

"Dude."

"…we don't have any desks to spare. I suggest you get some crates and a board and make do."

Walter was standing patiently in the lobby, waiting to show Mr. Lebowski, or the Dude, as he had insisted on being called over the phone, out the door. He came strolling out, sunglasses on, smiling. At least he hadn't been shot.

"I trust your needs were met?" Walter said.

"Oh yea, she told me to just send that one she's got in her office over at the end of the day when she's done with it. We cut a little deal about those vampires, you see."

Walter nodded. It had been a little while since they had gone after any undead. It made perfect sense that Integra would trade her desk for intelligence. He would have it sent later to Mr. Lebowski's address. Now only to get him out the door.

**To be continued…**


	44. The Big Hellsing part 2

The Hellsing Files:

**The Hellsing Files:**

**The Big Hellsing part two.**

Jeffrey Lebowski, AKA, The Dude, sat in a chair across from Integra Hellsing. Between them was an empty space where her desk had once been. It now resided in The Dude's apartment, where it tied the room together.

"So you're not mad about the whole desk thing, then?" The Dude said, taking a sip of the White Russian Walter had mixed for him.

"I was," Integra said. She was smoking a rank cigar and looking past him at a spot on the wall. Integra Hellsing seemed uptight, but once he had realized she was in fact a woman, he thought she was kind of hot all the same. "But then it occurred to me that it just may have been my fault."

"Ah huh," The Dude said, wondering where she was going with this. He already had her desk. He figured they would be square, or she would be pissed.

"I think I know who destroyed your desk," Integra said, flicking ashes over where her desk used to be as though there were an ashtray there still. "Our best man, or rather, our best vampire, recently went rouge. He may have been the one to ruin your desk, as he couldn't very well ruin mine."

The Dude sipped his drink and wondered if he wasn't in some kind of trippy dream sequence. He didn't recall having been struck on the head or drugged, which was the usual cause of such things, so he guessed this must be real. "Don't vampires, like, drink blood? What's with this desk crap?"

Integra used the smoldering stub of her cigar to light another one, and let the first fall to the floor where she snuffed it out with her foot. She looked to be doing serious damage to the expensive looking rug that covered the floor, which The Dude thought was a shame, as it too tied the room together. He wished she would get to the point so he could leave. There was a lane down at the bowling alley with his name on it.

"It's complicated," Integra said. The Dude nodded sagely, not caring in the least about what she had to say. "But I think you can help us all the same."

"Help you? I, uh, I…I'm busy y'know, and…"

"I know damn well how busy you are," Integra said. "I've done some research on you, Mr. Lebowski. I think you're the perfect man to confront the vampire that ruined your desk and convince, or otherwise coerce, him into rejoining this organization."

"I think you researched the wrong Lebowski," The Dude said. "Don't feel bad, it's happened before." He stood up, ready to leave.

"One million dollars," Integra said. "A lifetime supply of White Russians, and of course free access to the bowling alley of your choice. You get the bowling alley even if you fail, but for the rest you must achieve."

"Achie…okay," The Dude said. "But what makes you think…"

"Only a man can defeat a monster," Integra said. "And out of all the people I know, you're the most exp…human."

He was aware that she had been about to say expendable, but the thought of a lifetime supply of White Russians, not to mention one million dollars, was enough for him to overlook it. "Alright, yeah, whatever, man," The Dude said. "It's a deal."

Integra took a deep pull off her cigar, her cold blue eyes falling on The Dude for the first time in the conversation. He didn't like that look. He wasn't the type of man to read too much into people, although he often had brilliant flashes of insight into the character of others at times, but he thought the distant, cold, look in the woman's eye had little to do with him. Whatever her problem was, he only hoped he didn't get too caught up in it.

**To be continued…**


	45. The Big Hellsing part 3

The Big Hellsing

**The Big Hellsing**

**Part Three.**

Walter Sobchack squinted and coughed, waving his hand in front of his face as he drove up a steep, winding road. He could barely make out the wooden sign post reading "Transylvania." He wasn't sure if was because of the mist that seemed to blanket the entire God forsaken countryside, or if it was the smoke from The Dude's joint that was impairing his vision.

"Dude, can you open a window?" he said.

"And let that creepy shit in, no way," The Dude said.

"Well then give me a hit," Walter said.

The Dude passed Walter the joint. It slipped from his thick fingers and landed between his legs, where it began to burn a hole in his fatigue pants. While swearing and smacking his crotch to put out the growing flame, the car began to veer. "Look out, man!" The Dude shouted.

The car drove off the road into a tree. A loud crash, followed by escaping steam filled Walter and The Dude's ears. The Dude looked up, squinting, and opened the door. He walked around the back of the car and over by the driver's side to survey the damage. "Aw, man," he said. "My car."

"You shoulda drove, dude," Walter said, shuffling out of the car. "Oh, hey, we're here."

Looming above them on a hill was the broken outline of a ruined stone building. The tops of the walls weren't even, and each window The Dude and Walter could see was a dark hole, reminiscent of an empty eye socket. "Creepy," The Dude said.

"Let's go back," Walter said.

"If you hadn't wrecked the car, I'd say let's do that," The Dude said, walking up the hill. His bathrobe fluttered behind him like a cape. "But we're in the red now, so let's just get this over with. You got the bag?"

Walter shuffled quickly to the car's trunk, which had come open during the crash. He pulled out a black, beaten bowling ball bag and patted it. The sound it made was one of wood striking wood, not the solid _thwack_ of a bowling ball on leather.

"Should we be doing this at night?" Walter asked.

"Probably not, but there's no way I'm getting up in the morning and my afternoons are booked."

From the woods on either side of them came the howling of wolves, prompting the two to run as fast as they could up the hill and through the ruined wooden front door of the castle. They ran across the courtyard, The Dude tripped. He regained his footing and followed Walter through an open portal into a high tower.

"Slow down, slow down," The Dude said. "It's dark in here."

Walter turned on a small flashlight attached to his keys and regained his composure. "So, uh, where are we going in here, dude?"

"I don't know, just up," The Dude said.

The Dude followed Walter up the stairs where they wound around the tower and ended at a door that seemed untouched by the ruinous affect of time like the other aspects of the castle around it.

Walter opened it and stepped in, followed quickly by The Dude who shut it behind him, eager to have something between him and the wolves outside.

"Turn out the light," a voice said. "I don't want to be seen."

Walter held the light on the figure of an old man sitting in a chair. "Hey, we're looking for a vampire named Alan Card, or something…"

"Alucard," The Dude said. "We're looking for Alucard."

"I once went by that name," the old man said. "Long ago…"

"Man, it's been two weeks," The Dude said. "Can you, uh, like, get back to work, man? They need you to go do whatever it is you do."

"Bah!" the old man said, standing up to his full height. He had a pale, narrow face with bushy eyebrows. "That woman doesn't need me. She's got her army of freaks at her beck and call, two with red coats of their own."

"Yeah, but…"

"Dude, grab him," Walter said, rushing forward. Alucard took a step back and grappled with Walter while The Dude looked on in dismay. Soon, Walter's teeth had closed over Alucard's ear, and bitten it off.

"Ah, my ear!" Alucard shouted, holding the bloody hole where his ear used to be.

Walter spit the ear through the open window and grabbed Alucard firmly by the shoulders. While holding the side of his head, Alucard was tossed through the window.

"What the hell, Walter!?" The Dude shouted. "We were supposed to get him to go back to work, not bite his ear off and throw him out a window! Jeez, everything has to be a travesty with you…"

"Dude, relax," Walter said, blood dribbling down his chin. "It's like this…." Walter's face seemed to sink and become pale. "You just gotta…not roll on Shabbos…brains…"

"Aw, man," The Dude said, seeing that his friend had become one of the ghouls Sir Integra had warned him about. "You just had to go and bite him…" The Dude kicked at Walter, nearly falling, before he ran out the door and down the stairs.

Alucard was walking up the stairs when The Dude went past him. Reaching out, The Dude grabbed Alucard and dragged him back down the stairs. "Run, man! Walter's a zombie!"

**To be continued…**


	46. Naruto Hurts

**Naruto Hurts. **

He knew it was coming as soon as he heard the footsteps on the stairs. He knew those steps well. To anyone else they signaled nothing more than someone coming up the stairs wearing boots, but he was attuned to something beneath the sound they made. Malice, hatred, evil chakra, angry, blind, determined, chakra.

Naruto sat in his room at a table, listening to the footsteps. An hour before, for reasons unknown, he'd taken out a notebook and began writing his final will and testament. Being a ninja and an agent of Hellsing, this was something he should have done, but had been putting off because it was hard work of the thinking variety.

He'd locked his door, but heard a key slide into it, and the tumblers turn. When it opened, her silhouette was there in the doorway, like the old iPod commercials. His mouth was dry, and he couldn't speak.

"How many volumes has it been?" asked Integra Hellsing.

"Volumes?" He knew what she meant, but couldn't bring himself to say it.

"The manga. How many volumes?" He heard what sounded like the button on a leather gun holster being undone. He heard the sound of metal sliding against leather.

"I don't know," he said, lying.

"Fifty? Fifty four? I'm not sure either. You can't trust Yahoo answers these days. It's a sad world we live in."

"B-believe it," he said, biting his lip until it bled. He knew how she hated that phrase, but he'd been unable to stop himself from saying it, even after she went into his brain with a hot needle. She said they hadn't the budget for anesthesia.

"I do believe," Integra said. "I'm a fanatical believer, you might say." She chuckled. He hated it when she chuckled. "I see you have a new uniform."

"Y-yeah," he said. "I got older and thought I should update my look."

"I can imagine drawing the same outfit would become boring after a while," Integra said. "Personally I think you look like a pumpkin, or a jogger on his way to a rather poor rave."

"I'm sorry, sir," Naruto said.

"Yes, yes," Integra said. "Tell me, when does the manga end?"

"Well..." and he launched into a long, tedious account of his life outside Hellsing, which Integra cut short with a smile. Inexplicably, her numerous white teeth showed up against her silhouette, despite not having a light source to reflect.

"Wrong, it ends now!"

"Wait, can't we talk about this!"

"No."

He felt the bullets rip through his legs and his hands as he threw them up to protect himself. What felt like searing punches dotted his chest, and he felt all the strength run out of him as he slumped to the floor. Integra's boots stopped in front of his face, and squished in his blood. "W-why?"

"You know why. You died during the last episode of the regular series, you just didn't have the damn decency to end it there. Now it ends here."

"Y-you're one to talk..."

"Excuse me?"

He looked up at her normally cold features and saw them contorted in disgust and anger. "Sir Integra? For one thing, it should be Dame Integra, unless you're a man. Are you a man? Are we supposed to know? And what the hell is up with the tan? You're English, you're supposed to look like you're a vampire dying of tuberculosis. Oh, and at what point did you turn into a piece of wood? Volume three, or so?"

As he spoke, he felt strength return to him, and he was able to get to his knees. Looking up at Integra, who'd taken a step back, he continued, blood foaming from his mouth. "What's really rich is you all made such a big deal about being human, but at the same time, you completely depend on X-men variety vampires to do your dirty work, which is really rich in itself, because the biggest threat to you only lives to kill your pet vampire, basically making all this mess HIS fault."

He coughed up more blood, but slowly got to his feet. "And another thing...those Vatican priests...is Crossfire canon or is it separate? That was really confusing for a while...and how long is it between volumes? A year? A YEAR? What with your one mystery, solved by a deus ex machina, and your one plot twist, which you had to explain with a separate mini-series that never got completely translated. Yeah, I can see why it would take an entire year to cram so much STORY into each carefully drawn chapter."

It cost him energy to make air quotes with his fingers around the words "carefully drawn" but he managed.

"And...and...what the hell is the deal with the bloody finger scene? Are you and the big boobed vampire gay for each other? And the end, you and the guy she was kind of hot for -After spending maybe an day total, with him- sort of look alike...with your one damn eye...and the gloves...are you Mickey Mouse? Do you even have hands..."

Integra blinked both healthy, uninjured blue eyes, and realized that while his words were filled with a passion and confidence she had never seen in the young man, she had no idea what he was now raving about. Still, something about him had changed.

"You know, DAME Integra, if I didn't know any better, I'd say maybe your manga could have used about thirty more volumes just so somebody could squeeze in some God. Damn. Sense." He punctuated the last three words with hard jabs of his bloody finger into the center of her chest.

She grabbed him by the jaw and squeezed, bringing his face closer to hers. She kissed him full on the lips, letting it linger before dropping his once-again weakened body to the floor where it lay, bleeding.

He heard her rummaging through a draw and saw a first aid kit land next to his head. It was a personalized kit, just for him, that included bullet extraction tools and a suture kit. "Clean yourself up," she said.

He heard her footsteps go back down the stairs, and wondered if this meant the weekly shootings would be put on hold for a little while.

**To be continued...**


	47. The Hellsing Files Reloaded: Uno

The Hellsing Files Reloaded

Chapter Uno: Integra shoots her eye out.

Prologue: With the Hellsing Organization, or Family, or Agency, or whatever the hell it is, back to full strength, the final battle battle between Millennium and the Vatican seemed poised to take place. And it did. Boy was it awesome. You really should have been there, man, it was something to see. You had Ranma Saotome, Master Chief, fuckin' Lobo, and Harry Potter fighting baby-eating Nazi vampires who were backed up by Lord Voldemort, Carl Johnson, and Nickelback. About halfway into it, the Vatican showed up with Father Alexander Anderson, the ghost of Jerry Falwell, the Pope, and probably that guy from Brimstone, making an ever bigger mess of things.

There was laughter, there were tears, sadness, pain, joy, death, the whole gamut of human experience, really. The event capped of The Hellsing Files series, and that's probably where it should have ended, but nope, we're doing this. Think of it like a reboot/rewrite/continuation. A cleaning of the slate, and totally not the result of the author forgetting what happened in the last 40-something chapter series and not having the energy to look.

And now for the logue:

There was a knock at the door of Integra's office. She looked up from whatever she was doing and hollered "Come in."

In came Walter, her former butler, looking like he'd fallen into a vat of Botox ('Cause that's how Botox works, right?). He stood straight and confidant, how most people imagine British folks aught to be, but his face carried humility. Under his arm, he carried a long rectangular box.

"What the hell do you want, traitor?" Integra asked.

He cleared his throat. "To apologize."

"How are you alive? Apologize by lying down in traffic."

He cleared his throat again. "I thought you might say that, so I brought you a gift."

"Unless that's the world's largest box of cigars, I'm not interested," she said, reaching for her pistol.

He showed her the label. Unless the box lied, it contained a Red Ryder BB gun. "Oh, I see some your brains have been shot out," Integra said. "Explain this nonsense."

"I remembered when you were a small child you used to enjoy shooting rats and pigeons that made their way onto the grounds. It's more of a token, really, a reminder of the good times."

"There have never been any good times," Integra said, buttoning the holster cover and getting up. "But very well, gift accepted."

"Apology accepted?"

"No, gift accepted. The apology comes now."

Walter stood looking sheepish out on the firing range. Integra had taken up a small camp by one of the shooting booths. Steam from a fresh cup of tea rose and blew towards the disgraced butler while a small crowd had gathered behind the Hellsing leader. These were the ones who'd survived the Millennium battle, and only a total jerk would ask which ones at this point. Seriously, wait and see.

Integra poured some BBs from a fancy box into the new BB gun. She cocked it, aimed, and fired, hitting Walter between the eyes. He winced as blood trickled down his nose, but made no sound as she proceeded to fill him full of tiny holes and little welts. She cocked the gun one final time and looked at Walter as he bled and seemed on the verge of tears. She remembered some of things he'd probably done for her when she was younger and he was a butler, and decided to let bygones be bygones. -With this lot behind me living here and trashing the place, I'm sure being a butler for me now is an awful, awful thing. Serves him right.-

"You're forgiven, but don't think I've forgotten anything, mister," she said. "If you want your job back, you're first task is getting yourself cleaned up. And age, damn it, you look stupid."

"Yes, ma'am," he said, bowing and beating a hasty exit.

"Nice gun," said Leon S. Kennedy. She could smell the smoke of those foul herbs he claimed could heal zombie bite wounds about him.

"It's good for shooting rats," she said. "And pigeons."

"I got a c note says you can't hit that bird over there," said Carl Johnson. Integra squinted to make sure it was him. He'd gained about one hundred pounds, or stones, or whatever the hell British people count fat in, and was dressed in a tuxedo.

-Was he even on our side,- she wondered. Not remembering and not caring, she aimed at the bird he was pointing at. It rested atop the roof of the firing range booths and looked at her before making some kind of pigeon sound. With the sun off to her left, the glare on her glasses was intolerable, so she removed them. Being an attractive woman, they were only there for show and she did not truly need them to see.

"Easy," she said, and fired.

The BB hit the lip of the roof, as Integra did in fact need her glasses to see, and ricocheted hitting her right in the eye.

Seras stood quietly in the nurse's office, or sick bay, or whatever, with a look on her face that indicated she wanted to pet Integra like an injured dog. "Eye patches are cool, aren't they?" she said.

"If you're a pirate," said Integra. "Do I look like a pirate to you, Seras?"

"No..."

"I have an eye patch. I look 'cool.' Mustn't I be a pirate?"

"N-not necessarily, sir..."

"Stop calling me sir. I'm a woman. A knighted woman is a dame. Whoever started this sir nonsense is..."

The door opened and in snuck Solid Snake. His hair had gone gray and he sported a mustache as well as an eye patch.

"Walter is young, and now you're old...are you mocking me with that thing?" Integra asked.

"No," Snake said, removing the patch. His eye was perfectly fine underneath. "I got this on my last mission and didn't give it back. Faked my own death, long story. Anyway, it's yours if you want it."

"I've got one already," she said. "It's even got my family crest on it. It's cool, right, Seras?"

She liked it when the vampire shivered.

"This one will give you night vision, thermal vision, and it works like a monocular. You can watch movies and play Angry Birds on it, too," said Snake, handing it to her.

Integra slipped it on. After a second, she looked at Snake with her good eye. "Nice. Too bad my eye has been shot out, and can't see anything this patch would show me..."

"Ah..." Snake said, wishing he'd realized that a few paragraphs ago. "Well...by then."

"Seras," said Integra. "Fetch me my sword."

"Yes, ma'am," said Seras. "May I ask what for?"

"Gyar, don't question me, or you'll walk the plank, you scurvy bilge rat!" Integra shouted, jumping off the table where she sat.

"Aye, sir! Er, dame."

**To be continued... **


End file.
